I do not acknowledge the Thursday night concert series that the NFL has conjured up the last couple of years to “kickoff” the football season. The NFL is good at a lot of things, like replacing my deity on the Sabbath, but throwing a party is not one of them. I don’t want Lady Annabellum being introduced by Chris Collinsworth before I decide who to throw money down on. The game never seems real, because drinking and gambling on a Thursday night seems like an appropriate thing to do, and nothing tilts me more than doing the right thing. Gambling on NFL Sunday is the only correct measure, because everything we have been taught tells us it is wrong. And I want fighter jets in the background of my demise.
The first bloody Sunday is upon us as the NFL season opens on September 11th, allowing us to remember all of the fallen heroes who bravely gave their lives so we can scream violently at over sized plasma screens. The military overtones will be in full force this Sunday forcing us to put things in to perspective. Just when you are done plotting the murder of Braylon Edwards for laughing off another dropped touchdown, the team coyly deploys a war hero out of the corner of the end zone reuniting with his unsuspecting wife. It is a stroke of genius that allows for a quick exit strategy of the real reasons why you are crying. No longer are you a degenerate who lost half your bankroll on a lock teaser, but now you are one of the million proud patriots who acknowledge the real fight that is going on. With a clear conscience, I bring you the the first 3 bombs of the NFL season and 1 fully detonated Irish Car bomb explosion of the week.
Dallas +5.5 vs NY Jets
This game will be the ultimate in military references and Patriotism as the game is played in NYC on the 10th anniversary of 9/11. If the rumors are true and terrorists plan an attack on the anniversary this game could be an obvious target, with the stadium holding Fireman Ed and Jerry Jones. If the stadium is tragically destroyed, only Jones’ 2nd facelift would remain as our blackbox for information. Plaxico Burress had a very timely interview released this week ripping fans and Tom Coughlin for shooting himself. Plax said, “I’m like, forget support — how about some concern? I did just have a bullet in my leg. And then I sat in his office, and he pushed back his chair and goes, ‘I’m glad you didn’t kill anybody!” Plaxidental is hilarious. You do have to love him. You didn’t get shot in Afghanistan Plax, it was at the Latin Quarter nightclub. People forget how hilarious this story was, after shooting himself in the leg, he went to the hospital under an assumed name while his teammate Antonio Pierce was hiding the gun back at his place, and then they played at Washington. I like any plan that is banking on the doctor not being a football fan. “I think it will work Plex, as long as no one at this hospital saw the Super Bowl last year!”
Jets have vowed to win for New York as a tribute to them. That kind of talk was just the dumb thing I needed to hear when I was a square losing bettor. Now, I am an educated, sharp losing bettor. Five and a half is a lot of points with an anemic offense versus a Dallas Terrorist team looking to build off last year’s late season surge. I’m not saying the Terrorists will win, but they will cover.
Pick: Terrorists +5.5
Minnesota +8.5 @ San Diego
This isn’t as much a fade on San Diego’s notorious slow starts as it is on Norv Turner’s pockmarks not holding up in the early Southern California sun. The Vikings are a vastly overlooked team coming into this year as they are only a season removed away from the NFC title game. Picking up this many points should be reserved for the teams that truly deserve them. I am not sure that Vegas has learned that Donovan Mcnabb – while yes, is black – is not Tarvaris Jackson.
Pick: Minn +8.5
Cleveland -6 vs. Cincinnati
Marvin Lewis will realize at halftime that he is still the coach of the Bengals, a team where Carson Palmer literally said you could not pay him to play in anymore. A rookie QB starting his first game is one thing, but then you add that Andy Dalton is also a red head then you get a no brainer fade. No one has it worse then red headed men. They are the last form of acceptably bashed people. Outdated sayings like, “beat him like a red headed step child” are still permissable that only brings half empathy for the step child part. Red headed men conjure up thoughts of creepy Amish style children of the corn, while their female counterparts are universally accepted as the ultimate sexual desire. Much like Asians. Pick: Cle -6
IRISH CAR BOMB DETONATION OF THE WEEK:
SF Niners -5.5 vs Seattle
I’m pretty sure that Pete Caroll lobbied for the signing of Tarvaris Jackson so they would be so bad that they would win the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. He tried last year by throwing Charlie Whitehurst out there but dumb luck have it they wound up winning the division with 7 wins. Luckily for him the Stanford QB had no need for $50 million this year, and Carroll has a second chance. He’s not going to let this one slip away as he has his team prepared to be embarassed on Sunday; and to rub in to Jim Harbaugh that he will never get Luck and have to start Alex Smith for the next 3 years. He is a genius!
Pick: SF -5.5
5 car bombs!!!!