The first week of the NFL year is a lie.  Every September, the opening act of the football season dutifully performs its objective to get every fan falsely full of confidence.  If one  wins, then they immediately dismiss the rest of the season as child’s play simply getting in the way of the inevitable dominance.  If one loses, than they are equally as confident that everything you have ever believed in was a sham, and now they must run for cover and try to salvage any remaining valuables before the ship sinks.

Neither is true, but its fun to believe.  I was actually mad that I did not go 4-0 in Week 1 instead of counting my lucky Tom Cruises’ that I salvaged a 3-1 effort.  The winners were easy I thought, this year is definitely going to be different, the one where the city of Las Vegas simply couldn’t keep up with my insights.

Then week 2 told me to shut the fuck up.  My Irish Car Bomb of the week actually pushed (Buffalo-3), and it was the greatest tie in the history of my life.  At least until this weekend.

I love games like this, being part of a historic comeback where Buffalo, down 21-3 at half, scored touchdowns on 5 consecutive drives to win the game.  I told the story to a non football fan friend, drive by drive  concluding with the impossible 4th down conversion touchdown with only seconds remaining like I was recalling my conquering of Moby Dick.

He seemed politely excited for me and then said, “So you won right?”   “We’ll no, I tied, but it was amazing, I should of lost”   “I thought you said they came back and won?”     ” I did, yea they did..the Bills won, but I pushed”   “So nothing happened then? ”   “Yea.” On to more nothing bombs.

 

"Mike Vick is the Louis Farrakhan of the NFL"

NY Giants +9 @ Philadelphia
Moms hate Michael Vick.  Dads love to bet on the Eagles.  This is the risk Andy Reid took two years ago.  When Reid signed Vick, he knew what was coming:  public outcry, fur staining protesters, letters from parents demanding answers on how to parent.

Ultimately though, the reward was  the greatest free agent signing of all time.  Yes, Michael Vick blossomed into one of the best QBs in the league after learning how to  ‘drop back’ in  two and a half years in Leavenworth, but that is not his best asset.  What Vick provided was the opening of the floodgates to every best available free agent who simply want to be around him. He is the Louis Farrakhan  of the NFL.  Pro Bowlers would take jobs on the bench just to be near the most hated man of white America, next to Floyd Mayweather.

The end result is the “dream team” that was assembled, leading them to be the most publicly backed betting team in the League. This also leads to unrealistic expectations and massive egos, and it starts with their coach.   Michael Vick’s excellence has swelled Reid’s ego so much that he thinks he can do anything, including appointing a new defensive coordinator who has never once even coached a position on the defensive side.  Seriously.

Castillo was the Offensive line coach for the Eagles for 13 years, and then one day Reid said fuck it, I bet I can make him the defensive coordinator.   His reasoning to the completely shocked football world was that as an O line coach he knows exactly how to fool them.  And fool them he has.

Castillo has installed a new defensive formation called the “wide 9”, which is spreading out the defensive line so wide that they are practically 9 yards away from any offensive lineman in hopes of creating penetration.  I am not lying, their defensive ends are sometimes lined up in front of wide receivers.  Now, while this does the job of confusing offensive lineman, it certainly does not make their job harder.

If Steven Jackson didn’t get hurt on his first carry from scrimmage in the opener, which was a 50 yard off tackle dive for an untouched touchdown by the way, he would have rushed for at least 650 yards.  Castillo was in no way prepared to make an adjustment, he simply hoped the running backs would go into shock by seeing holes they have not seen since Pop Warner and pull a quad muscle out of excitement.  Somehow it worked.

The Giants have an excellent running game, and I think  they will be able to withstand the complete audacity of this formation to grind out a tough divisional game.  I’m not sure who wins, but I know 9 points is way too much for this huge rival of asshole cities.

Bottom Line: Giants +9
3 bombs!!!

 

 

Atlanta +1.5 @ Tampa Bay
I am fully aware about Matt Ryan and the Falcon’s struggles on the road and especially on grass surfaces.  At the same time, I am also aware  that the country wants Tampa Bay to be good.  They are not.  They might be in the future, but they are not good now.

I know they snuck up last year and had an incredibly surprising season with a roster of blue chip  juveniles.  Much like the Ca$h Money Millionaire rappers, this team just is not ready for the spotlight.  Sunday, Manny fresh runs into Jermaine Dupri.

Tampa Bay is like our fuck up son who never really had potential, but our own selfish pride blindly kept encouraging them to chase our dreams.  Tampa Bay does not want to have a good football team, let alone be a football town, and frankly I can not blame them.  Tampa Bay was happy being a cheesy neon lit bar town that hosted skanks and cut off jean shorts, then Peter King had to stick his snout into one of their draft classes and anoint Josh Freeman as the second coming.

Peter King's new poster boy for the NFL's young QB class.

Peter King, the top NFL writer for SI.com, has a massively popular weekly football column where he basically plays the role as the dad of the NFL and its fans.  He gives advice, he tells players to keep their heads up, then he talks about how he hates to fly.  I have nothing against Josh Freeman, I think he is a solid quarterback, but dear God does King and the rest of the media want him to be great.   This is from King’s latest column from Si.com.
“There’s something about this kid that’s impossible not to like. It won’t surprise me at all if, in 10 years, we look at the careers of the two quarterbacks in this game and say Freeman’s been a better pro than  Matt  Ryan. And believe me, that’s not meant to be a knock on Ryan. It’s how  strongly I feel about Freeman.”

I don’t know where to begin with that quote.  Something about this kid??? Ryan is 2 years older than Freeman by the way.  Also, the fact that we will all be sitting around 10 years from now on our rocking chairs discussing these quarterbacks is so diluted and  pretentious its obscene.  Both quarterbacks might have long great careers, but its definitely a long shot.

Here is a list of some of the great young Quarterbacks that started in the NFL ten years ago: Tim Couch, Aaron Brooks, Rob Johnson,  Brian Griese, Elvis Grbac, Jay Fiedler, Trent Green, Tony Banks,  Chris Weinke & Ryan Leaf.
Bottom Line is, Tampa Bay will be lucky to win 6 games this year, and now is the best time to find fade value…

Bottom line: Atlanta +1.5
3 bombs!!!

 

 

Cutler Face.

Green Bay @ Chicago +3.5
If this rivalry did not have enough on the line, between misguided Midwestern purists (GB) and delusional Midwestern faux cosmopolitans (CHI) fans, it is a revenge match of the NFC title game.

This was the game which put Jay Cutler forever in my heart.  He famously did not finish the most important game of his career that Sunday in late January, and the entire country hated him for it.  Why?  Not because they didn’t believe he wasn’t hurt (he was, he had zero throwing power off his bum knee).   Not because they authentically questioned his toughness ( he was sacked a record 52 times in 15 games).

It was because of his face.  His fucking Cutler face.  His mopey wind burnt cheeks moping around on the sidelines pedaling on a LifeCycle. It was infuriating.  So much so, it led to star NFL players tweeting on raw emotion that he was soft, which led to the media reporting these tweets as actual quotes and stories, which predictably culminated  2 weeks ago with FOX putting up graphics of fake newspaper headlines denouncing Cutler.

“Cutler Leaves With Injury,” “Cutler Lacks Courage” and “Cutler’s No Leader” -Cutler is a cuckold” The headlines were hilarious, one because they were obviously made up, and two for some reason Moose Johnston claimed they were “actual real headlines”. I love trying to add validity to a statement like “hey, this is what the city thought of Cutler because it was in the papers”  Like a newspaper headline’s objective is to sum up the communal statement on an issue and not sell their fucking dying newspaper.

For some reason, we as a society instantly believe things if they are in large bold print on the front page of a newspaper. It does not matter if it is a novelty paper issued to every player once they win the Super Bowl.  I did not believe the Packers won the Super Bowl until Clay Mathews held up a copy of the “Deluxe Edition” of the Milwaukee Cheese Sentinel that stated, “Packers World Champs!!”  Its Official, it’s in the Papers!!

Personally, I think revenge will be a minor factor in this game, mainly because I believe both teams were looking ahead last week to this match up.  Side note, I hate that term “looking ahead” when it comes to the NFL. Yes, fans might be looking ahead to this game, but the players never over look a situation where if they don’t show up mentally or physically to the task at hand they have the high possibility of dying.
I do however, believe in the home field advantage of the Bears. Chicago is the only team in the league that has zero control of their stadium and how its kept. Soldier field is ran by the Chicago Park district, which is a great company on its own as it is responsible for 20 acres of general city dwelling, but its main priority is not some field used 12 times a year (8 bears games and 4 Dave Matthews concerts).  The result of this negligence is the choppiest divot raising field this side of Medinah.  It is impossible for a team with skill to get traction and create a good rhythm to watchable football.  And that is exactly how the Bears like it.

Bottom Line: Bears +3.5
2 bombs!!

 

 

IRISH CAR BOMB DETONATION OF THE WEEK:

 

Denver +7 @ Tennessee
I know last week that I said Denver is unraveling and I still agree with that sentiment.  They got a win at home versus Cinncy last week (but not a cover thankfully). However, this is the first time the Broncos are away from their moron fans who are pleading for Tim Tebow of Aquinas services’, and get to go on the road to one of the only places where the fans are dumb as theirs, Tennessee.

Nashville might be the most made up American sports town in America.  They received  all of their teams within the decade or so and have always sold out every possible home game.  Something just does not seem right there.  Their enthusiasm seems forced and possibly a bit racist.  If people can blame Dallas for killing JFK then I can certainly blame Nashville’s moral laws on the slaying of Steve McNair by a hostess from the Golden Coral.

CJ was making 1/3 the salary of kicker Rob Bironas... we can't blame him for holding out either

I always feel like at every commercial break, there is an instructional video playing teaching the rules of the game to the new fans and when to appropriately cheer.  It’s like the stadium is a movie set for some new Adam Sandler pic and the crowd are just a bunch of mindless extras being paid $75 per diam and Blimpie sandwich. They showed their true colors last week when they booed the only player that ever mattered to their franchise besides the late great #9,   Chris Johnson.  CJ has had a slow opening start to the year after holding  out for a new contract.

For some reason the NFL ‘s 2 time reigning rushing champion thought he did not deserve to be paid 3 times less than their kicker.  (true story by the way; CJ 800K, Bironas 2.4 mil). Booing a star athlete for wanting more money is so 15 years ago, even the dopiest of meat heads now realize that these specialized athletes are actually being underpaid for their skill set, especially since they usually die before the age of 55. The Titans are not that good of a team where they should be laying a full touchdown to anybody, especially a viable opponent in Denver.  The line is inflated from their home opener surprise winner over Baltimore.

Bottom Line: Denver +7
5 Irish Car Bomb Detonations!!!!!

 

 

Last Week: 1-2-1
Year to Date: 4-3-1
Irish Car Bombs: 1-0-1
Bombage:  +3 Bombs

 

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CJ Sullivan
CJ Sullivan has been a staple in the Los Angeles and Chicago comedy scene for many years. CJ has been on Comedy Central and performs in numerous comedy clubs across the country. His writing credentials include projects for A&E network, Comedy Central, Robert Smigel, and XM/Sirius radio. Sullivan, also a World Series of Poker winning professional poker player, garnered the #1 comedy album spot on iTunes for his newly released stand up comedy album “What am I Complaining About?”.

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