Steve Smith
(January 10, 2009 - Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images North America)

 

The midpoint of the NFL season is where teams seem to disappear for a couple of weeks. It comes in the form of uninspired play leading up to their anticipated bye week. For as much as it affects our lives, the bye week is never given the advertisement it deserves. It seems like I never find out the Eagles are not playing until I am already at the bar and have finished my weekly severing of meaningful relationships. “What? They are on bye today? So I could have gone to the pumpkin patch with the lady while keeping the belittling laughter on the inside?”

I don’t need the constant scores trailing underneath the game I am watching, but I would like a non stop reminder scrolling, “Attention: The Patriots don’t play next Sunday, interact with loved ones!!!”

It is too big of news not to be fully prepared for. This is why I never supported Daylight Savings, not that I am against maximizing the sunlight’s hours for our nations farmers, but the lack of warning is mind boggling. It’s almost like a rumor that goes around twice a year, no one is ever sure when it is, it just happens.

We are out one Saturday night with friends and the one guy in the group who always refuses for the night to end pulls out, “Hey C’mon one more bar we get an extra hour tonight!” I’m always amazed when he is right, as much as I am baffled by people who actually know this fact and prepare responsibly by setting their clocks back ahead of time. I mean, how is the top news story every day of that week not simply warning everyone: “This Saturday night, we manually change time as we all know it!!”

The one thing I do enjoy about the unexpected time change is when people use it as an excuse for being late way into the following week. “Sorry I’m late man, my body is still trying to adjust to Daylight Savings.” We all didn’t just get off a flight from Japan, it was one hour that we all slept through.

Back to bombs.

 

Atlanta +3.5 @ Detroit:
The sports media has really been enjoying themselves the last couple of weeks telling us how much the Tigers and Lions winning championships will mean to Detroit. It is their Hallmark way of trying to make sports something that it is not. Sports can draw up fleeting feelings of joy or despair, but Calvin Johnson’s touchdowns will not save a city in ruins. Justin Verlander could make fans forget their problems for a couple of hours, much like America has forgotten about Detroit for twenty years.

Harbaugh = Dick

Things were getting too good for the city of Detroit, and it took a Grade “A” prick, Jim Harbaugh, to make us all aware of the this. After the his Niners beat the undefeated Lions, Harbaugh committed the ultimate middle aged white man cock move of giving a disrespectful handshake to Lions coach Jim Schwartz.

There is no bigger insult to the older asshole white man than not looking another man in his eyes and accepting a proper handshake. It is a kin to the black atlhlete getting spit in the face, they hate it. Schwartz ran after Harbaugh to confront him after the San Francisco coach slapped his back and tauntingly shook his hand around like a dead sparrow. Never mind that during the duration of the game, Schwartz mocked Harbaugh and called him dumb for not knowing the replay rules. That gives no right to not give a proper face to face hand shake.

With all the Detroit love going on recently, we needed to call upon our new favorite jerk to calm things down for them. Harbaugh is that special jerk. He comes from a long line of rat bastard football coaches who are very “competitive” (my favorite asshole excuse adjective). He was bred for this moment. He was a prick at Stanford, where he ran up scores and somehow fielded a top 5 team that was 90% white. I still don’t know how he got away with that.

Now that the tigers are eliminated, and the Lions do not look as promising as they did when they were beating the bad teams earlier in the year, maybe Detroit won’t be saved after all.
Bottom Line: Atlanta +3.5
3 bombs!!!

 

Green Bay-9 @ Minnesota:
Usually when pressures rise for players, it comes from unfair treatment from the local media and its fans. Donovan McNabb is the only quarterback that the media supports and actually believes he gets a raw deal from his coaches. It is amazing how much they are pained when McNabb gets benched year after year.

I know we've written a lot about McNabb... but hey, he's a media magnet

McNabb got benched for his third team in three years last week. The national sports media, who has not watched a Viking game all year, refuses to believe it is the quarterbacks fault. On no other losing team does the quarterback get a pass. He threw for 39 yards in the opener versus San Diego and still almost won.

The media will lambaste any malcontent who speaks up when they are wronged and label him a “troublemaker”. McNabb has taken an unusual amount of public shots through his career and has always responded in a mature professional way. The media hates it. They stick up for him like he is a bully victim, pleading for him to fight back and call Andy Reid a fat dope, or Shanahan an out of touch fool living in the past.

The media are proud parents of Donovan and want him to be what he always dreamed for him. “Whatever you do Donovan, don’t give up it will ruin us.” Maybe McNabb knows he is not good anymore and his once great skills are eroding. He just doesn’t have the heart to tell his media parents that he is going to have to settle for being known as a perennial all star Quarterback who made over $100 million during his great career.

I usually like to support teams that were publicly humiliated the week before and come back getting a ton of points at home (Tampa last week), but this is different because of the QB change. While rookie Christian Ponder certainly will not be worse than McNabb, he won’t be prepared for a Dom Capers defense that is hitting its stride.
Bottom Line: Green Bay -9
3 bombs!!!

 

Miami -1 vs. Denver:
Miami is a team that got embarrassed on national TV last week and they return home as slight favorites. Not even God could explain this one, but maybe his son can. Yes, the Broncos have done the inevitable and given in to the Denverites and elected to start 3rd stringer Saint H-back Tim Tebow this week.

Miami is having Tebow Day when Tebow's Broncos come to town

None of the pharisees in Denver’s organization want Tebow to succeed. Coach John Fox continues to tell the followers to no avail that he is a false idol incapable of throwing NFL passes. General Manager John Elway does not believe that being a good person has any business on a football field. They want him to lose, and then make a billboard laughing about it.

Why else would Denver trade away their best wide receiver, Brandon Lloyd, 4 days before Tebow was going to make his debut? NFL teams do not make trades to make their teams better, they do them to simply get rid of somebody. Either the player is causing a problem in the locker room, or in this rare instance might help the fans chosen one win a game and make them look bad.

Tebow commands us to love our enemies, and will actually reward these evil Mountain sinners by granting them their desires and lose to the lowly Dolphins. If this story seems a bit far fetched, try reading the Bible:
“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Wow.  And while were at it, lets lay the points.

Bottom Line: Miami -1
2 Vengeful Bombs!!

 

IRISH CAR BOMB DETONATION OF THE WEEK:

Carolina -2.5 vs. Washington:
Another team is benching their quarterback mid season this week. Unlike Minnesota and Denver though, the Redskins are not putting in some young first round pick that might be their future.

John Beck, a name & face you'll surely forget.

Washington is simply putting in a guy. A guy named John Beck. John is 30 years old. John has not started an NFL game in 4 years. John is not Rex Grossman.

That is what Rex can do a team. Even after his disastrous game last week, where he threw 4 interceptions in the loss to the Eagles, coach Mike Shanahan gave the cliched quote that nobody deserves to lose their job because of one bad day. Nobody that isn’t Rex Grossman that is. Rex was playing pretty solid football for 6 weeks, but one could tell it was kind of boring him. He wanted to be “Bad Rex”, and once he makes that decision, lock up your daughters.

Its not just that Rex throws a lot of interceptions, it’s how he does it. He hits defensive backs in complete stride with the most perfect spiral. It is like he saves his best passes for the defense. All of his regular completions are knuckled through traffic and hitting receivers on the wrong shoulder. Oh but those interceptions, they are a thing of beauty. He drops back with full confidence and a bounce to his step, licks that gunslinger hand, tapes a $100 bill on the football and lets it fly perfectly to a wide open safety.

It is also when he decides to do this, that makes him uniquely team crushing. On two occasions last week, he threw picks one play immediately after the Redskins got a turnover themselves. The defense comes jogging back on the field in disbelief giving Rex a look that says, “Really? Already? You gave them the ball back again? Can’t you at least take a sack first and give us a minute?”

No, no he can not.

So Shanahan is going to try out a theory that every idiot sports fan has that they could get any guy off the street and be better than Rex Grossman. John Beck is that guy.

Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: Carolina -2.5 
5 bombs!!!!!

 

Last Week :   2-1-1  (+4 bombs)

Year to Date:  14-8-2  (+24 bombs)

Irish Car Bomb of the Week:   5-0-1  

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CJ Sullivan
CJ Sullivan has been a staple in the Los Angeles and Chicago comedy scene for many years. CJ has been on Comedy Central and performs in numerous comedy clubs across the country. His writing credentials include projects for A&E network, Comedy Central, Robert Smigel, and XM/Sirius radio. Sullivan, also a World Series of Poker winning professional poker player, garnered the #1 comedy album spot on iTunes for his newly released stand up comedy album “What am I Complaining About?”.

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