Tim Tebow is punishing all Americans for not being in Church on Sunday by overtaking the evil League that we have been giving our devotion.
We have mocked the Sabbath for too long now, and Tebow has come for the reckoning. No longer can we blissfully enjoy a full slate of NFL football on the holiest day of the week and not expect repercussions.
Tebow has perfected the love/hate dichotomy in which every football game is about him yet is nothing at all. He can play in the most meaningless game giving such a bad performance and make it an exciting victory forcing an entire nation to speak of Him.
Lost in last week’s miracle comeback win was how comically bad Yahweh Tittle was for the majority of the game. It was not just His statistics ( 1 completion through 3 quarters) but the way He interpreted the quarterback position that was so hilarious.
Tebow attempted passes with His non throwing hand, His never throwing elbow, and even tried the little used volleyball punch serve. Tebow made countless hysterical 360° spin moves while in the pocket to ensure that every fan got a good view of the performance. He truly is the funniest thing on CBS right now. When the network has to replace Ashton Kutcher in “2 & 1/2 Men” next year because he continually thinks 22 year old co-eds aren’t going to brag about having sex with him, they should look no further than Tebow.
This week is a classic battle between the Christian and the Lions. I swore after last week’s game, that I would never go against Him again. I lied, and Tebow has made a sinner out of all us.
Bottom Line: Detroit -2
Washington +5.5 @ Buffalo: American Football is a sport that other countries do not wish to understand. If one was to watch an NFL game without any knowledge of the rules it would seem very boring and confusing. I get why other countries don’t like football, it is a stupid sport, but its our stupid sport. We love it because we grew up on it, like the rest of the world grew up on soccer. That is why we hate their stupid game.
Other countries wouldn’t loathe our style of football so much if we didn’t try to force it upon them every year. Even after Europe didn’t go to games when we gave them an entire League filled with their neighbors playing, we still won’t give up. Last week the NFL allowed our friends in London to view the display of Jay Cutler throwing a 15 yard in route to Roy Williams. Glorious!
This week the NFL is keeping our invasion on our own continent, and bringing a bad game to Canada. While Canada does have their own football league, they bastardized it by opening the game up and making it a lot more fun. Wider fields, field goal returns, receivers in full forward motion, that is not what we do with football Canada. We play it in the most military rigid style possible with no flamboyance. To drive the point home, we will give you John Beck versus Buffalo.
The best thing about the Bills has always been their extremely loyal and rabid fan base that makes playing a game in their stadium very difficult. They reside in a miserable city and live for their Bills. This year, the Bills have actually been playing an exciting brand of football. So the NFL has decided to take away one of the 8 times in a year that city is happy and move their home game to Toronto. It is half a reminder to them that their lives should not be a happy one, and punishment for Vincent Gallo.
Bottom Line: Washington +5.5
Philadelphia -3 vs. Dallas : This rivalry between two historically talented and emotionally unstable teams will be on full display Sunday night. The therapy session begins on Monday with players being overly critiqued or acting out themselves.
Eagle defensive back, Assante Samuel, lashed out at his own bosses claiming they are playing “fantasy football” and even used the cliched line that “they never played football”. He was upset that they were seeking out to trade him. Management was upset that they paid Samuel $45 million to be their third best corner back. It would be fun if all NFL teams were forced to run their business day to day operations by ex players only. “Hey, did Ricky Watters pay for the entire cast of ‘Scarface’ to come in and re-enact the movie before next week’s game?”
Tony Romo has been slammed by the media all year for playing either too recklessly (Jets, Lions) or too conservatively (Patriots). People love to say that Tony Romo is mentally weak and not focused because he wears his hat backwards and once dated Jessica Simpson. “If he wasn’t so concerned with fucking Carrie Underwood, maybe he wouldn’t of dropped that extra point hold!” Or maybe, a man just dropped the oblong shaped ball.
Owner Jerry Jones scolded their coach for his play calling , then lied and said he was sorry. Jones is not the apology type, he is the prick alcoholic father that you can never impress, wipe out a nature park to set up condominiums, type. I wish he drank scotch more publicly, and really embraced that Texas oil tycoon son of a bitch image.
This game of fragile mentality will end up in an “A&E Intervention”, Jeff Van Vonderen style.
Van Vonderen gets the job done. He moseys in to town , watches the tape, rifles through the bullshit and puts that addict in the van.
It will come down to who is willing to break down and save their season by getting in the fucking van. Jerry Jones won’t budge.
Irish Car Bomb Detonation of the Week
New England-3 @ Pittsburgh: The New England Patriots were on a bye last week, meaning they had 5 days to take a break from the grind of playing NFL football. Patriots tight end, Rob Gronkowski, spent his week off in his hometown in Arizona frolicking with a porn star. We know this because, he tweeted a picture showing the two of them in an obvious pre or post coitus session.
The picture got a lot of publicity which led to him having to come out and make an apology to the fans and his owner. I realize that America is a sexually repressed country, but why does a professional single football player have to apologize for being with a porn star? I don’t expect my football players to be wearing UGG boots, but I do expect them to have Jager fueled sex with Silicone Valley Starlets on their down time.
One reason that has been used is that he should be focused on his playbook, not romping around with some floozy. That is the standard line from angry married men who are furious when better lives are rubbed into their faces. He knows the plays, if he didn’t he wouldn’t be able to start for the Patriots and score touchdowns which enables him to have wall to wall sex with an expert in her field.
The second stand by reason is the classic, it’s not a good example to show for our kids. What will I tell my son, who views Gronkowski as a hero? Well Dad, you tell him exactly what it is and why he is your hero. You tell him that if he works very hard and becomes dedicated, then one day you too can win a Super Bowl and cash in with the real trophy.
I am actually more surprised when more professional football players are not on the injury report with more venereal diseases than hamstring injuries. Actually the more I think about it, I bet half of these muscle strains that players acquire are more from trying to keep up with all of their groupies than playing a game they have been doing their entire lives.
Gronkowski and the Patriots are totally refreshed and ready to play.
Last Week: 2-2 (+3 bombs)
Year to Date: 16-10-2 (+27 bombs)
Irish Car Bomb of the Week: 6-0-1