Tyler Perry’s NFL Playoffs Notes & Musings…

As an Eagles fan, it’s been a hellish year for me and since I’m looking for someone to blame, I’ve decided to dig through the season’s events, in reverse, as I look to find the one sole reason the 2011 campaign has taken years off my life.

January, 2012  I have to watch the stinkin’ NY Giants appear to be on a mirror image run from 2007. Not that I despise the Giants. They are not the Dallas Cowboys. The Giants are somewhat likeable actually, though I’m not sure why Justin Tuck felt the need to be an a$$hole and call the Atlanta Falcons dirt bags a few weeks back. Atlanta certainly doesn’t have the reputation of being dirty. The only thing Atlanta is guilty of is having a head coach with rocks for brains. I also have some good friends who are Giants fans so, eh…good for them. It’s still tough, though. The team plays in my home state, resides an hour and a half up the turnpike, has had a great deal more success than the Iggles and possesses that one golden piece for which I have longed and longed and longed…a franchise quarterback.

And then there are the Patriots. Satan’s favorite team. Why do I despise them? Well, while I recognize the brilliance of Bill Belichick (and NFL Network’s “A Football Life” certainly put him in a different light), I can’t get past the lack of class he has shown other coaches and franchises in the past. And then there was Spygate when both the league and Belichick acknowledged his staff illegally video recorded other teams’ practices to gain an unethical edge. IT IS WIDELY BELIEVED, THE 2004 SUPERBOWL AGAINST THE EAGLES WAS ONE OF THESE UNETHICAL VICTORIES. I’m a big man and if you ask me on the street, I’ll tell you the Pats were the better team that day. But I can promise you the thought of them cheating and taking away a Superbowl from long waiting Philly fans is sitting at the bar in the back of my brain downing shots of Jack Daniels just waiting to be provoked. If that were proven, I’d consider taking a Molotov cocktail to Belichick’s boat which bares an eerie resemblance to Dexter Morgan’s “Slice of Life.” Coincidence?

December, 2011   I’m put out of my misery. The ’11 Philly football season ends as Mark Sanchez can’t beat Cherokee High School’s freshman team (trust me, coach Dolores and I are tight), let alone the Giants. Yes, another Giant reference as they escort the Birds to the golf course. What’s worse is the Eagles were able to win the last four games against less than strong opponents giving the delusional and naïve reason to believe they will be fine next year.

November, 2011   Usually the time when Andy Reid’s teams flip the switch, the Birds went 1-3 with their only win at the stack of CDs up the turnpike. Those losses included another fourth quarter collapse at home against Chicago, an ass whooping by New England and this season’s Joe Webb game…a loss at home to John Skelton and the Cardinals which made absolutely no sense except, I have to assume, not one player had any interest in playing Arizona.

October, 2011   My birthday month started off, well, not so happy. See what I did there? With a 20 point third quarter collapse to Alex Smith and the Niners at home and a slop-fest in turnovers and penalties at Buffalo, the Eagles were reeling early. The month finished strong with their most complete win of the year at home against Dallas and on the road at Washington. No one with a brain was convinced, though. This team was too inconsistent.

September, 2011   1-0, YAY! Superbowl! That early season sarcastic euphoria was quickly followed by back to back fourth quarter collapses at Atlanta and at home against the GMen. Only Nostradamus could’ve told you that would be the story of the season. All told, the 2011 Eagles would blow FIVE fourth quarter leads. Prior to 2011, it had never been done FOUR times in the modern era. I spent more sleepless Sunday nights this year than I could take.

July / August, 2011   The Eagles’ spending spree followed by a shortened, confusing training camp. Why did Andy cut it short? There was no off-season. No mini camps, no OTAs. This team that included an inordinate amount of new faces both player and coach hadn’t even gotten a copy of the playbook until late July! Shouldn’t they be spending MORE time practicing? The other perplexing (in hindsight) moments were supplied by fantasy football GM Howie Roseman, the man who makes the decisions while having virtually no football pedigree. You might say, well neither does Joe Banner? Banner is the President, not the GM. He does not make football decisions. He’s like a Hollywood film producer. With a movie, the producer’s role is to make sure he has the right people in place and the finances balanced. He lets the storytellers tell the story. As does Banner, contrary to what some might believe. It is Roseman that signed Vince Young to a four million dollar contract. It was Roseman that gave similar money to Steve Smith, despite having a spiraled crack up his tibia. It was Roseman who was convinced the one trick pony Jason Babin was worth twenty-eight friggin’ million dollars and it was Roseman who kept all of that money away from Desean Jackson. It was also Roseman’s decision to take a shot at the undersized Casey Matthews in the fourth round and to reach on Jaiqwan Jarrett in the second to fill positions of need. During this time, there was also the “Dream Team” moniker supplied by Vince Young. Thanks for that, Vinnie.

GM Howie Roseman has, for the most part, gone unscathed as the nightmare season winded down. Why? I can’t say I have an ounce of faith that the right players will be picked come April in the most important draft of the Andy Reid era. I’m putting the blame on his little, tiny shoulders. No, I’m not ignoring the inexperience of the defensive coordinator but Juan Castillo is too easy to blame. Reid is even easier. Roseman should have been replaced and how did Jeff Lurie not even, at least, consider talking to Bill Polian after his release from Indianapolis as VP / GM?

Now that I’ve cleared that mess up, here are Tyler Perry’s NFL Playoffs Notes & Musings…

I know you’re thinking, Tyler Perry?  Well, his name is on every show I would never, ever watch yet I have no idea who he is. Why not put his name on my column?

Tom Brady and Joe Montana are tied with 16 playoff victories, most in NFL history.

Californication is back on Showtime.  Always loved this show. Some of the story lines are completely egregious but the dynamic between Hank Moody (David Duchovny) and his daughter, Becca, is what brings me back each week. Like Rob Lowe’s character said in an episode last season, “it’s about a guy just trying to keep it together and failing miserably at it.” Can’t say I haven’t spent a few years of my life rowing that boat.

Which leads me to my second Rob Lowe point!  Yes, TWO ROB LOWE NOTES! I don’t care if Rob Lowe tweets that the country should go to Def-Con One because Al Qaeda is planning an attack on the Superbowl (by the way, if they gotta do it…this, um, would be the year), no news outlet should ever under any circumstance report it as news. No exceptions. As a friendly reminder, Rob Lowe tweeted this week that Peyton Manning would retire and the news outlets took it as gospel because he is friends with Colts coo-coo bird owner, Jim Irsay. It should be noted that both Peyton and his father, Archie, have denied Lowe’s breaking story.

The Patriots are now 7-1 in AFC title games, 4-0 at home.

Allow me a moment to discuss The Book of Eli or as my friend Alex calls him, “the real touched quarterback.  Not that fraud, Tebow.” It wasn’t long ago that Eli Manning was the most frightened quarterback in the NFL. (*see the Jags’ Blaine Gabbert if you’re too young to remember Eli’s formidable years.) The key was always to blitz him and he’d fold like a cheap tent. And he did. Over and over and over and over. I almost understand Tiki Barber’s criticism of him, though you can’t speak your mind like that to the media. Never in a million years did I think the toughness would develop yet, call a spade a spade, it has. He hangs in to the last moment and past! His third down efficiency is off the charts and the man saves his best for the fourth quarter. I’m thoroughly impressed with the quarterback he has become and I’m a guy who destroyed him for years. You can’t rattle Eli’s cage anymore, though he still has the ‘aw, shucks’ look on his face except now he has that look when good things happen, too. Hats off to you, Eli. You told us you were an elite quarterback and with a win in two weeks, you will certainly be a first ballot Hall of Famer.

Superbowl 46 is, as you know, a rematch of Superbowl 42.  Next week in Superbowl 46, there will be only 23 players combined for both squads that played in Superbowl 42.

Bet you didn’t know, Reebok is no longer the manufacturer of NFL jerseys!  Nike takes over that contract in April. I’ve seen stores recently selling off all their Reebok jerseys for $9.99 because of the change so if you’re looking to plunk down $60 to $300 for a new NFL jersey, wait a few months. I’ve seen some prototypes and not only did some of them look completely different, but fairly unattractive. Nike, however, says there won’t be drastic changes in the looks.

Brady and Bill Belichick are the first coach and quarterback combo to make five Superbowl appearances.

Victor Cruz turned in another insane performance…did you happen to hear all the “CRUUUZZZ” chants coming from the stands at Candlestick Park?

Nothing infuriates me more in football than when a defense completely collapses during the final minutes.  Like they’ve completely forgotten what they’d been doing for the previous 56 minutes. The end of the Saints – Niners divisional round game, while extremely entertaining, was an abomination. No surprise that Greg Williams, New Orleans’ defensive coordinator, was quietly given his walking papers afterwards.

Drew Brees finished the season with 6,404 yards passing, including the post-season.  It is the league’s all time highest yardage total for passing, including the playoffs.

I’m drafting all tight ends in my fantasy league next year.

The Ravens are now 6-0 all time against the Texans and Baltimore’s win over Houston was it’s first home playoff victory since 2000.

Baltimore’s John Harbaugh is the first head coach in NFL history to win a playoff game in each of his first four seasons.

Everyone made a big deal that Tim Tebow threw for 316 yards in the overtime victory over Pittsburgh because his favorite bible verse is John 3:16.  But did you know this? The guy who caught the last pass (80 yard TD in OT to win the game and set Tebow’s yardage at 316), Demaryius Thomas, was born on Christmas? By the way, the Messiah completed less than 50% of his passes in what most called his best performance to date.

Drew Brees’ 466 yards passing against Detroit in the Wildcard round is the most ever in regulation of the post-season by a quarterback.  Believe it or not, the side-arm of Bernie Kosar threw for the most ever in a playoff game with 489 for Cleveland in 1986 against the Jets. Bernie had the benefit of overtime, however.

The Wildcard round marked the first time in NFL history a team finished a post-season game after scoring only 2 points as that’s all the Falcons could muster against New York.  Maybe next year Atlanta’s offense could outscore it’s defense in the playoffs.

Atlanta hasn’t won a playoff game since Michael Vick was their quarterback.

In Tony Gonzalez’s illustrious 15 year career, he has never been on the winning side of a playoff game.  Gonzo is 0-5 for his lifetime.

And finally, in the words of Ferris Bueller, “life moves pretty fast.”  The wife and I welcomed our second daughter to the world on January 11th. Now with two daughters, I can fully expect to shell out a minimum of half a million dollars in college and weddings. Aint’ that a bitch.

And don’t forget, I’m officially a douchebag as you can now follow me on Twitter!  Why not?  ESPECIALLY during all NFL games!      @Darrendegaetano