Opening the NFL season with an ass kicking from a team that plays in the dump they call Miami Lakes is never a good thing. My Patriots started out as if they spent the night drinking and whoring over at Mango’s on Ocean Drive. It is safe to say TB12 and Belichick weren’t working on their “two-step” salsa moves Saturday Night on South Beach, but you never would know the difference. We have a habit here in New England and tend to make mediocre players look like Hall of Famers. Whether it is some slapdick quarterback or a running back with a bad wheel, Belichick’s defenses tend to let them produce record setting performances. Seeing these puds like Joe Vellano and Patrick Chung whom couldn’t cut it on a CHIP KELLY DEFENSE, playing meaningful snaps is maddening. And why on earth can’t we find a fast guy to return kicks? I mean grab one off the BC track team if you have to. Darren sent me a text last night with; all good things come to an end. I told him to pump the brakes on that one, Tommy isn’t done yet. He may come out and hang fifty on the Vikings next Sunday. Regardless it is one game, we are in last place, and I hate life. However, there are thirty-one other teams I have to rank and will do so over the next five months.
On a side-note. Maybe we should send Richie Incognito and Aaron Hernandez over to Ray Rice’s house.
* THESE RANKINGS ARE BASED NOT JUST ON RECORD, BUT OVERALL PERFORMANCE AND STRENGTH OF TEAM.
1) Seattle Seahawks (1-0) – These guys are a bunch of Ray Donovan’s running around on defense. You DON’T mess with them.
2) Denver Broncos (1-0) – That wasn’t the second half Peyton and company were hoping for, but a win against one of the best teams in the AFC to start the season isn’t a bad thing. Also the lazy eye of Orlando Franklin makes me laugh out loud.
3) San Francisco 49ers (1-0) – I didn’t know Niners fans traveled like gypsies? Impressive showing by the SF fan base on Sunday; and it was even more impressive showing by the Niners in Jerry’s House.
4) Cincinnati Bengals (1-0) – AJ Green is the best receiver in the league not named Megatron. The Red Rifle didn’t play too bad either.
5) Carolina Panthers (1-0) – The Kimmy Gibler of the NFL won a game yesterday for Carolina. Cam Newton may also be the most unlikable player in the NFL. Who comes into a huddle from the bench in street clothes? That idiot does.
6) New England Patriots (0-1) – Gaping Holes. No; not the Sasha Gray kind, the offensive and defensive line kind.
7) Green Bay Packers (0-1) – Aaron Rodgers avoided Richard Sherman like he avoids questions about liking women.
8) Detroit Lions (1-0) – Matthew Stafford looked like an NFL quarterback in primetime. The Lions continue to play like the Little Giants when it comes to discipline.
9) New Orleans Saints (0-1) – Rob Ryan’s pass defense got lit up in the Georgia Dome by the Dirty Birds. Matt Ryan is good, but not that good.
10) Philadelphia Eagles (1-0) – Napoleon needs to be more decisive throwing the ball. The Eagles can’t be Judge Judy if they expect to make it deep into the playoffs. Put these guys away and early, no questions asked.
11) Indianapolis Colts (0-1) – Indianapolis came out on the short end of the stick in the PED Bowl in Denver. To make matters worse, their Viagra/Adderall/something on the PED list taking defensive end tore his Achilles training while suspended.
12) Miami Dolphins (1-0) – Queue the Patriots conspiracy theorists with “Miami set the fire alarms off in the team hotel” quotes. The Phins looked solid.
13) Tennessee Titans (1-0) – The Titans manhandled the Chiefs at the line of scrimmage in their own house. They have Big D coming to town this weekend.
14) Kansas City Chiefs (0-1) – Losing to Jake Locker is one thing. Losing to Jake Locker at home is another thing.
15) Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0) – Antonio Brown did his best Daniel Larusso impression on Sunday. He’ll be getting a letter from FedEx on Wednesday, and it isn’t for winning the FedEx Air Player of the Week.
16) Arizona Cardinals (1-0) – Arizona winnings games in September is a big deal. Larry Fitzgerald’s dad complaining his son isn’t getting the ball is as Arizona as you can get though.
17) Baltimore Ravens (0-1) – The Ravens are the most hated team in professional sports right now and rightfully so.
18) San Diego Chargers (0-1) – The Bolts are going to have to do much more than that on offense to be competitive this season. San Diego reminded me of Henry Hill on the first date he had with Karen. Uninterested.
19) Atlanta Falcons (1-0) – We saw the Falcons of 2012 this weekend, what will we see going forward?
20) Dallas Cowboys (0-1) – Somewhere Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood were laughing their asses off on Sunday.
21) New Jersey Jets (1-0) – Chris Johnson is a bigger addition than people are giving them credit for. The Jets have a big test this weekend against a quarterback who is adamant about his love for women.
22) Buffalo Bills (1-0) – Buffalo has more talent than people are giving them credit for. EJ Manuel doesn’t have to be Superman; he just can’t be a knucklehead.
23) Chicago Bears (0-1) – Throwing the ball on third and one when you have Matt Forte as your running back is not going to win football games.
24) New Jersey Giants (0-1) – New Jersey fans are going to be calling for the new OC’s head any day. Eli looked lost, Cruz looked pissed, and I’m convinced when it gets cold enough that a piece of Tom Coughlin’s face is going to fall off.
25) Houston Texans (1-0) – JJ Watt is an absolute monster. I’m happy for Bill O’Brien as well. Much deserved for a guy who has real fire for the game.
26) Minnesota Vikings (1-0) – Mr. Patterson may be the fastest guy in the NFL. Minnesota has finally found a replacement for Percy Harvin.
27) Cleveland Browns (0-1) – Too little, too late for the Brownies. Queue the Johnny Football madness this week.
28) Washington Redskins (0-1) – RG3 and company was outmatched and outclassed by a tough Texans front seven.
29) St Louis Rams (0-1) – The Rams need to get their quarterback situation figured out. One Tree Hill is not the answer.
30) Oakland Raiders (0-1) – Derek Carr flashed early, and then became a rookie late.
31) Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1) – Blake Bortles should be starting. Maybe “The Mustache” will flex his muscles and demand he starts.
32) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1) – You lost to Derek Anderson, Logan Mankins got hurt, and so did Doug Martin. Great start for Lovie Smith.
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