The horrible state the NFL is currently in was inevitable. This is what they wanted when they decided to become an extended arm of the law. They told their fans to look to them to right the wrongs that our judicial system allowed. They wanted to be Batman. Some millionaire gets no jail time for vehicular manslaughter? The NFL will step in and make sure he doesn’t get to play in a few football games as well.

I mean, how hard can criminal justice be? It’s not like some people dedicate most of their adult lives trying to learn everything about the complicated criminal laws and the appropriate sentencing for violating them or anything.

The recent public blowback to all of the violent crimes committed by NFL stars has boiled over to the League itself and its handling of the punishment. Before, Goodell would just plunk a ping pong ball out of his punishment bucket and assign a random number of game suspensions for whatever crime happened to be placed in front of him. No rules or anything, just his arbitrary judgement of whatever was in his gut.

$44 Million to make up Laws
$44 Million to make up Laws

Everything exploded, of course, when the TMZ video of Ray Rice’s domestic assault went viral and everybody became rightfully outraged. Rice’s initial 2 game suspension became basically a lifetime ban after the original 4 seconds of video completed the easiest puzzle to the original final piece.

People can’t believe that it took the second video for the NFL to know that what happened was really bad, and maybe 2 games seemed a little light. I actually believe the NFL a little here, because they are woefully under-qualified in determining criminal justice. They are no better than a dumb jury one can find in any one of today’s court cases. Lawyers complain all of the time that juries literally need to see video of the crime being committed to prosecute someone for a parking ticket.

Shows like “CSI” have us demanding multiple DNA matches straight from the lab if we are even gonna consider that there isn’t a shadow of a doubt. We need video, because we have zero imaginations anymore and are incapable of filling in a story on our own. The NFL is a just a dumb jury. If we wake up tomorrow with snow on the ground, one can assume that overnight… it probably snowed. Not anymore. Not unless you can produce a drone camera from inside the cloud showing me that it snowed, then we’re just not convinced.

Unfortunately, they decided to place themselves as judge, jury and executioner without any knowledge of how to do so. The NFL is getting what they deserve, but of course, it ultimately won’t be much.

The NFL is deservedly getting terrible public attention, but the machine won’t suffer one bit. Sure, there will be wonderful “must read now and have your life changed” blog entries about people swearing they will refuse to watch any NFL games after all of this. Those grandstanders either never really watched the NFL to begin with, or were completely unaware that the League was already being played by several monsters with serious criminal records. There were 15 domestic abuse arrests in the last 2 seasons alone, and over 50 since Goodell has been commissioner. Like any form of entertainment, one doesn’t have to support the participant personally in order to enjoy the product.

Sponsors pulling out is also not going to happen. Yes, Radisson wisely decided that maybe their name shouldn’t be a backdrop to a Viking strength coach explaining to a national media that he thinks child abuse is just some ol’ fashioned Southern parenting, but that is not gonna hurt the League. When Anheuser Busch laughably puts out a statement that they are “disappointed” in the NFL, that means nothing. Budweiser spends $1 billion in advertising with the NFL alone. They will never, ever, ever drop out as a sponsor to the NFL. Never. Budweiser’s statement was one rich guy fucking around with his buddy while he was getting yelled at by his wife for hanging out too late.

If you are concerned about the awful feeling you have while watching an NFL game in today’s environment, then just tail or fade my first bombs of the season…because there is nothing more pure and honest about the NFL than betting on its games. And rest assured, you have already been watching awful people play football long before they went viral.

 

Baltimore -1.5 @ Cleveland:

When the Ravens smoked the Steelers last Thursday, the announcers were impressed how the team was able to perform despite all of the “distractions” they faced during the week. They underestimated a meathead’s ability to turn losing a sociopath for a teammate into motivation against the evil media.

They played in front of their home fans and brain dead Rice supporters. Fans were shamed by the media for wearing #27 purple jerseys, and surprisingly, their explanations didn’t help them much. Whenever one hears, “Look, I don’t condone what Ray Rice did, but…” you are about to hear a terrible sentence.

We're making a point..that we're idiots.
We’re making a point..that we’re idiots.

The awful justifications of domestic abuse are only slightly worse than the people who make an effort to really say profound statements against it. “I am completely against domestic violence under any circumstances!” No shit. Really? You are?? Because I haven’t decided what side of that equal debate I am on yet.

This week the Ravens are on the road and will have to change up their fake motivation, and Cleveland is the perfect place for it. The parking lot of this hated rival is guaranteed to be filled with Browns fans making terribly inappropriate jokes with “Knocked out Rice cold” posters and makeshift Rice jerseys taped on to wifebeaters. Meme humor.

Nothing better than when one group of sports fans gets an opportunity to look down on another’s. It’s like when a fat person can not wait to look down on someone who is slightly bigger than them. It’s easier to tear someone else down, than to confront who we are.

This is the Browns week to finally feel superior to their hated bully. And one shot of a 400lb man in a Hoyer jersey chewing on a novelty dog bone will perfectly illustrate that they are not.

BALBottom Line: Baltimore -1.5
3 Bombs!!!

 

San Francisco -3 @ Arizona:

The 49ers situation sums up the stubborn hypocrisy that is the NFL. Their head coach, Jim Harbaugh, sounded off after the Rice video that he will have zero tolerance for any of his players in that situation. I’m sure he pounded his fist too, because boy did he mean it. Of course, it took about a couple of days for one of his players, Ray McDonald, to call his bluff.

McDonald was arrested on a domestic violence charge against his pregnant wife. So obviously, in today’s NFL environment coupled with Harbaugh’s no tolerance policy, McDonald hasn’t been allowed to play, right? Well, not exactly.

Harbaugh has let him play under the hilarious fake nobility of “Not flinching to public speculation” and not listening to all of the idle chatter. Never mind that the voice was his from a week ago. Harbaugh is not dumb enough to listen to a guy like Jim Harbaugh when it comes to decisions like this.image

The 49ers did, however, show how serious and clueless they are at the same time when they suspended their radio broadcaster, Ted Robinson, for his stupid victim blaming comments concerning Janay Rice. Robinson made two huge mistakes. 1) not being a defensive end for the Niners, and 2) saying something stupid instead of doing it. At least the Niners are aware of today’s rules that words are much more important than actions.

Robinson gave a very sincere apology stating that his remarks were actually the opposite of what he believes. Makes sense. Speak your mind. Realize your mind is speaking ignorance when people get upset. Don’t acknowledge learning a new way, but simply say you meant that the whole time. We forgive, as long as you and your publicist have thought really hard on your final draft.

Speaking of word crimes, last Sunday, QB Colin Kaepernick became the first player to be penalized for on field profanity. Otherwise known as the new “n word” rule. Kap claims he doesn’t know what he said to get the flag, and the referee has only stated, “He knows what he said.” Hilarious parent response.

The field is filled with sociopathic gladiators giving each other brain injuries that the NFL also tries to cover up, but keep your slang to yourself son. The Niners will keep their rhetoric and words in SF, and pack all of their controversial actions to Arizona.

SFBottom Line: San Francisco -3
3 Bombs!!!

 

 

Buffalo -2.5 vs. San Diego:

The Buffalo Bills are the biggest early season surprise at 2-0. A lot of the excitement for Bills fans stems from the the sale of the team to new owner, Terry Pegula, who has vowed to keep the team in Buffalo.

The Bills leaving town was a possibility, when 80s rocker Jon Bon Jovi was bidding to buy the team. He said he wasn’t going to move them, but he’s just a cowboy from Jersey and on a steel horse he rides.

Bills fans created a big anti Bon Jovi backlash during the last month in fear of him buying the team. That is slightly ironic, because I’m sure Buffalo is one of the few American cities where a Bon Jovi concert would have no problem selling out 80K seats in under an hour.

Buffalo is Bon Jovi. The late 80s Bills are known for going to 4 straight Super Bowls, and of course getting crushed in the big game. As time goes on, revisionist history places the Jim Kelly led Bills higher and higher among the great teams. When in fact, they were simply the best AFC team in that era of horrendous AFC teams. They were the 8th best team every year that happened to get to play their final game in Pasadena and lose by 45.

Shot through my heart, and Buf's to blame
Shot through my heart, and Buf’s to blame

The same goes for Bon Jovi. They were the best hair band in an era of awful hair bands. They reflect now and act like, “Yea, we had our run, then it was time for the next fad, grunge to roll in.” No Jon. No… I will give them that they created grunge – by being so awful, actual music had to be born. But the fact that you survived by not being junkies and getting haircuts for soccer moms doesn’t mean you meant anything. Now put a damn “h” in your name already.

I’m still working on my Andre Reed was the Richie Sambora of WR theory, so that will have to wait until the Bills win their 8th game… which will be late December. As for now, all of the signs point to Buffalo this Sunday. And I’ve seen a million trends, and I’ve jocked them all!

BAL2bombsBottom Line: Buffalo -2.5
2 Bombs!!

 

 

IRISH CAR BOMB DETONATION GAME OF THE WEEK: New Orleans -9.5 vs. Minnesota

The Vikings had themselves a pretty hilarious couple of days as far as management goes. Stunned by their own awful scandal, the Vikings seemed to learn from the Carolina fallout and immediately deactivated star RB Adrian Peterson after child abuse allegations arose. Then, they got blown out on Sunday, and decided one game was enough of a lesson. The public won’t notice right?

The Minnesota owner bravely sent out his General Manager and coach to calmly educate the media about the cultural differences in parenting… and by the way, Peterson’s playing again. After looking over some polls, it turns out that a lot of kids get spanked, they just do things bigger in Texas.

Apparently, a football GM is not as much of an expert in child abuse as say, the doctor who discovered these awful wounds..and the people were stilll a tad upset. Okay, okay, just feeling you guys out, we’ll come back Tuesday.

The Vikings and Radisson Hotels agree in firm parenting
The Vikings and Radisson Hotels agree in firm parenting

The Vikings owner came out this time and read a statement saying they would de activate Peterson again, 24 hours after they decided he learned his lesson. He then dashed into his limo and guided all questions to his coaching staff. At least he learned that..

Now the Vikings go down to New Orleans where they will have no interest in playing a football game. They probably traveled down there right after their last press conference debacle to find a fun bar to hide in. New Orleans is a great city to go hiding in for a week. No judgements, no stares or cares. Just voodoo and booze.

Unfortunately, it’s not the best way to prepare for a game, which the 0-2 Saints will definitely be doing. The Vikings won’t mind, they know their season is over already, they just hope nobody notices.

STLIrish Car Bomb Detonation of the Week: Saints -9.5
5 Bombs!!!!!

 

 

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CJ Sullivan
CJ Sullivan has been a staple in the Los Angeles and Chicago comedy scene for many years. CJ has been on Comedy Central and performs in numerous comedy clubs across the country. His writing credentials include projects for A&E network, Comedy Central, Robert Smigel, and XM/Sirius radio. Sullivan, also a World Series of Poker winning professional poker player, garnered the #1 comedy album spot on iTunes for his newly released stand up comedy album “What am I Complaining About?”.

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