Some of the NFL backlash has died down recently, because that’s how things work. We scream louder now, but then wear ourselves out and watch a video of a bear on a swingset. The outrage machine usually finds something else to devour and completely forgets about last week’s meal.

Recently, ESPN offered themselves up to the people to take their own switch beating from the people. The hated sports monopoly suspended Bill Simmons for making disparaging remarks about Roger Goodell on his podcast. At least, that’s what everyone wanted the story to be. It made things easy. It has a hatable villian, ESPN, who silences their own for speaking out against another corporation they are buisness partners with. And it came with a gutsy hero, Bill Simmons, who gets vaulted into martyr status for yelling what everyone is thinking.

Except, none of it was really true, besides the suspension part. At the end of Simmons rant against Goodell, he went off daring ESPN to suspend him. Simmons was hardly the first ESPN personality to go after Goodell, but he was the first one to double dog dare his bosses to punish him.

When the clip went viral, all ESPN cared about was being called out by an employee in a power challenge. I hate ESPN just as much as the next person who constantly watches it, but how many companies do you know of would allow you to publicly challenge them? It’s what companies do to individuals that pose as threats. They crush them.

Simmons probably thought that ESPN wouldn’t suspend him, in fear of the PR hit they would take. What he forgot was that ESPN could care less how they look, as far as journalistic integrity goes. They’ve looked much worse than this before. They have Ray Lewis talking about the morality problem in the NFL for God’s sake! Although to be fair, his point of , “There are some things you can cover up, and there are some you can’t.”, is an honest insider view of the millionare criminal.

This suspension story will die down too, and Bill Simmons will come back stronger than ever because of it. Then, we can focus on something else, like how the NFL’s breast cancer awareness program is a sham…..much like my bombs, they generate no money.

 

Indianapolis -3.5 vs. Baltimore:

Steve Smith, Sr. is kind of crazy. Actually, he’s really crazy, but it has always worked for him. The kind of crazy that adds Sr. to his name for some reason when he changes teams. He’s also the kind of crazy that plays with spite, making up imaginary wrongs that have been done to him. A guy you do not want to be in a fender bender with at all. You’ll ask for his insurance, and he’ll be deciding what size crowbar he wants to pull out.

A younger and less crazy Steve Smith
A younger and less crazy Steve Smith

The Baltimore WR played in one of those classic revenge games last week versus his old team Carolina. It’s normal for players to want to show up their old teams and prove to them that they made a mistake for letting them go. Completely understandable. Senior Smith did just that, when he tore up the Panthers in a blowout win…but he couldn’t just let his crazy go.

The Senior went off this week about how the Panthers GM told him he couldn’t play anymore (no he didn’t) and it was nothing about his high salary (yes it was). He also said another reason the GM told him was that he was jealous of Cam Newton and had to go. Mind you, that has never been a reason why a team cut an adult player ever.

Senior crazy also came up with the classic lie of, “I don’t mind being released, just be man enough to do it to my face. I found out through my agent on a text!” Uh yea, Steve, nobody is going to fire you to your face…you are a crazy man. You once beat the living tar out of your teammate in practice for holding your pinny. That kind of behavior is gonna get you an invoice from a scared white guy in a suit every time.

For the record, I love Steve Smith Sr. He is a 5 foot 9 maniac that somehow scares fellow NFL players. Unfortunately, he has no revenge on his mind this week. Even though, the Colts are the team that was taken away from Baltimore by Jim Irsay Sr. I bring that up, not because the players give a shit about that story. Or even the fans frankly, since Baltimore has moved on to win 2 Super Bowls since then.

The pre game shows are bound to mention it, however, and hopefully it leads to them showing a clip of another hilarious man who went by Sr. That would be Colts old owner Jim Irsay Sr. When he was shopping the Colts to other cities in secrecy, the press met him at the airport upon him arriving back from Phoenix. Hammered. Politician red faced drunk.

He stumbled through words trying to deny that he was gonna move the Colts, until he finally said fuck it and yelled at the press, “This is my team! Not Baltimore’s! I bought them!” It was amazing. I bet Steve Smith Sr. would’ve loved to play for that crazy man.

INDBottom Line: Indianapolis -3.5
3 Bombs!!!

 

Kansas City +6 @ San Francisco:

Speaking of revenge games, the Niners and the Chiefs have a classic one this Sunday. Kansas City’s QB, Alex Smith, spent several years in the Bay before being discarded for Colin Kaepernick. Some people thought Smith got a bad deal, because he ledt them to the NFC title gamme the year before he was released. Those people are wrong. Even if Smith is better than Kaepernick (he’s not), he still is hell on earth to watch.

Alex Smith is so hard to root for, because he does everything so painfully mediocre. At least terrible QBs, like Mark Sanchez or Tebow, fail in fun ways. Alex Smith doesn’t even allow us that. It’s impossible to cheer emphatically, “Pass Efficiency!!” He simply throws short passes and runs at a medium trot for the occasional 6 yard gain, never allowing fans to hate or love him either way.

"I'm learnin' to throwwwww..."
“I’m learnin’ to throwwwww…”

He’s like the Tom Petty of quarterbacks. Nobody loves Petty, but you can’t hate him either, because I guess his songs are okay. I won’t jump to switch off a Petty song on the radio, but I won’t try to turn it up either. I’ll just let it remain. That’s what Alex Smith does in the NFL, he remains places. Tom Petty, by the way, scored his first ever #1 album this summer in his 38 year career. It wasn’t any better than his others, but now his fans are some of the only ones left that still buy actual CDs.

The 49ers have an interesting situation going on that might throw a loop into this revenge angle. Apparently, the extremely talented Niners hate their screaming coach, Jim Harbaugh. For a while now too. They want him to go, but he can’t be fired because the 49ers keep being a great team every year. It’s a tough one.

This year, the Niners players kind of seemed ready to fix that. They allowed Jay Cutler embarass them on the night they opened their new stadium. Last week, they tried everything possible to lose to Philly…punt blocks, punt returns, you name it, but Chip Kelley refused to bite.

It seems like this years 49er team is set on trying to embarrass Harbaugh into quitting, so he could go scream at college kids in Michigan. That’s why this week, the perfect play for this championship defense, is to allow Alex Smith to look like an actual exciting QB and beat his old team.

Make Tom Petty turn into Neil Young, just for one night at The Filmore.

KCBottom Line: Kansas City +6
3 Bombs!!!

 

 

Tennessee -1 @ Cleveland:

The Titans will be playing their first home game since the tragic passing Rob Bironas, their beloved long time kicker. Bironas got into a bizarre car crash, where he apparently tried to run several people off of the road before fatally ending his ride.

Usually, when an ex-NFL player goes off on some unexpected and out of character tirade, everyone blames head injuries, or CTE. Since Bironas was a kicker, however, people just shrugged their shoulders, and chalked it up to ‘country livin’.

The collected items strewn about the road leading to his SUV, looked like a Toby Kieth yard sale. Shooting range ear plugs, scratched country CDs, elk jerky, BW3 handi wipes were all that remained. Man just had enough one night, that’s all. Hell, we’ve all been there. Crank that tune, put in some chew, and just go and see where the road will take ya.

If country does one thing great, it’s tragedy. And nobody does country, like Nashville. Dogs dying, women cheating on ya, tractor break down,that’s just all part of a Tuesday there.

That town has seen plenty of young stars go tragically into the night, and they know how to handle it. They crack a can, put on their sleeves, then roll them up. The big ball keeps a turnin, and it don’t stop for no man. Hell, not even the oblong ball does either. So, a somber, yet celebratory play in Nashville on Sunday. RIP ROBBIE B

TEN2bombsBottom Line: Tennessee -1
2 Bombs!!

 

 

IRISH CAR BOMB DETONATION GAME OF THE WEEK: Denver -7.5 vs. Arizona

The month of October brings in certain traditions. The leaves on the trees change to pink raise awareness for breast cancer, radio DJs deem the month ‘Rocktober’, and the Arizona Cardinals are no longer allowed to be undefeated.

Quarterbacks like Arizona’s, Drew Stanton, seem to pop up out of nowhere every year around this time in the NFL. Some faceless back up gets thrown into a game and plays decently enough for everyone to forget why he was backup to begin with. It’s like the other October tradition, of putting pumpkin flavor into every damn drink or food possible.

Ladies & Gentlemen... Drew Stanton
Ladies & Gentlemen… Drew Stanton

When pumpkin spiced lattes or pumpkin beers pop up, at first you kind of like the novelty of it. Man, why don’t we use this stuff all year? It’s great. I love pumpkin, it just never gets a fare shake, that’s all. Then after a couple of weeks, you remember it’s actually disgusting and not meant for digesting. Pumpkins are meant for carving, fucking, or smashing. Drew Stanton is a fucking pumpkin.

As Rocktober transitions into Shocktober, all of the abandoned Blockbuster Videos become Halloween Costume stores. It is the modern day urban carnival. How do these costume stores stay afloat working one month out of the year? And who owns these things? Trolling city blocks for desolated buildings so that they can throw up their creep tent for 3 weeks, and sell jumbo rats to the masses.

These stores come and go without making a sound, it seems. One day, the old Barnes & Noble has witches and $40 cobwebs in the window, and then suddenly it’s all packed up and sent to some ghoulish warehouse in Nebraska.

Drew Stanton came out of nowhere, and this Sunday it’s gonna be time for him to take his slutty costumes with him back on the road.

DENIrish Car Bomb Detonation of the Week: Denver -7.5
5 Bombs!!!!!

 

 

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CJ Sullivan
CJ Sullivan has been a staple in the Los Angeles and Chicago comedy scene for many years. CJ has been on Comedy Central and performs in numerous comedy clubs across the country. His writing credentials include projects for A&E network, Comedy Central, Robert Smigel, and XM/Sirius radio. Sullivan, also a World Series of Poker winning professional poker player, garnered the #1 comedy album spot on iTunes for his newly released stand up comedy album “What am I Complaining About?”.

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