The NFL’s lackadaisical approach to their off season domestic abuse cases have led to many well deserved vocal criticisms. One, being that they simply don’t care about their female fans.  I think it’s a bit of an overstatement and an understatement at the same time.  The NFL doesn’t care about any of their fans, they care about money. They care about looking good publicly, because it leads to money.

October is when the NFL puts on their pink parade for breast cancer awareness, and doesn’t give any of the actual, you know, money to any of the research.  With women making up 45% of the NFL’s fan base, and being their most important demographic, one would think they would do a better job of paying attention to their needs.  Because we all know how much attention these damn ladies constantly need, right fellas?  *High Five * Fist Pound * Quick ball rub * Don’t fight it* *Man Up * *Man In Man* *We like Sports*

Speaking of awful, dated sexist stereotypes, Men’s Health magazine published a hilarious article last week that must have been intended for their 1954 issue. The article was titled, “How to Talk to Women about Sports”, and it took roughly 30 seconds for the entire Twitter world to shame it to shreds. It does sound scary though, like talking to your kids about sex or drugs. Approach these female creatures softly, and don’t make any sudden movements, then toss some tapas nearby to distract her as you explain the 2 point conversion.

I’d like to say it was just an unfortunate title, but the article followed suit with such advanced takes like ‘Women need a storyline, not stats’ and ‘they see things differently, and won’t wear the foam finger’.  That part is extra hilarious, because any guy who wears a #1 foam finger to a game won’t have a woman he needs to explain sports to.

Unfortunately, the magazine took down the article immediately and tweeted out apologies.  I hate that people can’t own their dumbness anymore and bow down to viral outrage.  Men’s Health should’ve told everyone to calm down, and enjoy it for all of its glorious awfulness. It’s a magazine that dedicates 90 monthly pages to the Ultimate AB Workout. What do you think is gonna happen when one of their CrossFit trainers suddenly gets a think piece assignment on the social gender gaps?

So, in the spirit of that amazing article, I present my female friendly bombs that are bound to upset my readers like they are on their period.  Or, on their bye week, as I like to call it.  Guuurrlll, don’t get me started.

 

 

Atlanta -3 vs. Chicago:
Ladies, have you ever tried to date a guy that seemed great with tons of potential, but you just had to change him a little?  You swore once he dated you, that you could straighten him out and mold him into perfect husband material.  He’ll stop hanging out late with his damn buddies, maybe take a yoga class with you, and even come to love your cat, Mittens.  Jay Cutler is that man.

Hi Jake!
Hi Jake!

Girls, we all know that you just can’t change a man, you just have to adapt. AMIRITE? Jay Cutler has all the tools to be the perfect elite husband/QB, but something just never clicks. He totes has the arm, the legs, the mop hair, he’s divine! But he just doesn’t seem to ever give a shit. He keeps treating his coaches and fans like garbage, and that just makes us keep coming back for more.  Just when we think we had him groomed to meet our parents, he shows up drunk and throws two inexplicable 4th quarter interceptions.  Why do good fans like such bad QBS?

The Bears continue to think they can change Jay Cutler into being one of the best QBs in the League, and let him control a highly complicated passing offense.  He can do it for a little while, and make the effort for a couple of weeks, but eventually Jay is gonna freak out and snap at your sister just to prove a point.  He’s an average quarterback, which is fine, as long as we all recognize that and not try to make him into something he isn’t.  Average QBs can win, they do all the time.  We just have to learn to live with settling for mediocrity while we fantasize about our backup husbands.

The problem isn’t with Jay ladies, it’s with us.  We are smarter than this. It’s time to realize we can’t mold some jerk into what we want, because that isn’t fair to either of us.  So let’s allow Jay to be himself for some other unfortunate woman, because it’s not going to be us this time, girlfriend!  Now Matt Ryan, that’s a different story…he’s bound to get in line.

ATL
Bottom Line: Atlanta -3  
3 Melon Ball Bombs!!!

 
 

New England -2.5 @ Buffalo:
Tom Brady is that hot boyfriend of our bitch friend we all hate.  She usually has a name like Marissa or Tiff.  She’s always bragging about him, and showing him off when we go out, dropping passive aggressive lines like “I’m sure you’ll be able to find a guy like Tom too, not here though. JK!”  Whatever bitch, we all know you stole Tom from his last actress girlfriend while she was pregnant.  What makes you think you’re not going to be next?  Gawd I hate her!

Taummy is so dreamy...
Taummy is so dreamy…

This is the friend that always tags pictures on Facebook of your night out where she looks amazing and the rest of us look like we finished a Vodka pie eating contest.  Nothing compounds a hangover more than seeing 8 Notifications “Bitchy McSlut has tagged you in 7 Photos”.  You can’t bring it up to her, because you know what she’ll say.  “What?? I thought you looked cute. Last night was so muuuch fuun! I barely remember that pic!”  Right. You were in the fucking bathroom for a half an hour with a Hollywood make up team right before hand.

The thing is, we could totally get Tom Brady to go for us. Maybe not date, but at least a quick bang in the coat closet. And you know, he would be down, he’s a dog. Just enough to get our good bitch friend to cry and hate us for a month.  Hell, maybe Tom can use it to break up with her, we’d be doing him a favor too.

We know, we have a good thing going with Buffalo.  They try hard and are really working to improve themselves and make a go of this, but they are sooo boring. Honestly, how many times can Kyle Orton bring us to the Olive Garden only to fall asleep to Netflix later?  We need excitement, something scandalous and naughty.  We need to fuck Tom Brady!

It’s not right on so many levels, and that’s what is going to make it feel so good. Just for this one night, of course. We’ll repair things later, and even be friends with that bitch Marissa again.  She’s going to need one after she goes into depression and gains weight because of her breakup with Tom.  We’ll even let her borrow one of our dresses, if she can fit in it.

NE
Bottom Line: New England -2.5   
3  Appletinis!!!

 
 

Tampa Bay +3.5 vs. Baltimore:
Sometimes, there’s nothing better to us gals than a relaxed night in our sweats with a bottle of wine and scouring through Reddit threads.  All of a sudden, that goofy guy texts us to meet us out and we decide, why not?  Since we could care less if we impress him or his dork friends, we just put our hair in a bun and some comfortable jeans.

The Tampa Bay Bucs are that guy.  They won’t judge our appearance or our jokes, because they are just happy we showed up.  And you know what? Sometimes, that’s all a girl needs.  Tampa Bay is real, they get it.  They don’t try to be glamorous or something they are not, they just appreciate the few wins they get.

Can we at least be friends?
Can we at least be friends?

Tampa Bay is a lot more “Girls” and less “Sex in the City”.  I’ll take the characters from “Girls” any day of the week over those “Sex in the City” divas.  At least Lena Dunham and her friends don’t walk 4 wide down a New York sidewalk.  They are respectful to their surroundings, which allows them to appreciate the beauty in the ugly truths of life.

Those ugly truths for Tampa Bay, is losing….a lot.  They lose every year it seems, but you never hear them hyping up their own expectations like they are going to win a Super Bowl out of nowhere because they bought new shoes.  Tampa Bay knows they’ll win a few games eventually if they keep showing up — just play the law of averages.

That is why Tampa Bay sent you a text, and you gave him a whirl.  See what happens, maybe you’ll have a fun night of laughs and drinks and that’s it.  That’s fine, Tampa Bay doesn’t need to actually win the game, they just have to put an effort in and not lose by more than 3.

TB2bombs
Bottom Line: Tampa Bay +3.5    
2  Stoli O Bombs!!!

 
 

THE IRRATIONAL, EMOTIONAL DRIVEN COSMOPOLITAN GAME OF THE WEEK:

Miami +3  vs. Green Bay:
We all know that if there’s one thing us ladies are known for besides being perfectionists, it’s SHOPPING!!  We don’t care if there are 1000 “perfectly good” outfits in our closet, none of them are wearable, and just the sight of them makes us sick.  It’s time to go out and spend our man’s money on something new.  Hello Miami!

That shirt is FAAAAAAAABulous!
That shirt is FAAAAAAAABulous!

Sure, Green Bay is good and all, and we like the Aaron Rodgers thing we wore out last week, but everyone has already seen us in that.  We can’t be caught dead toting around our Packers after everyone saw how great they were on national TV last week.  We need to make a new splash, and the Dolphins are even on sale!

Miami is the hot new number this week that would even make those anorexic skanks on the cover of magazines that teach blow job techniques jealous.  There isn’t too many logical reasons to buy Miami, since we actually think our Green Bay dress is better.  But since when do we girls care about logic or rationality? Right girl! Ha! Yea! *sobs* Yea, you know it!

Besides, Green Bay is becoming complacent with us, and it’s time we get his attention back by going on an AMEX shopping spree.  It doesn’t matter if it makes sense or not, it’ll make us feel better.  Ryan Tannehill? Never heard of him, but why not? Swipe the card and put him in the checkout folder.   It doesn’t matter what they are charging, because this game isn’t about accountability.  It’s about us, and giving ourselves some well deserved Me time.

Our astrologer told us it would be a good idea.

MIA
IRRATIONAL, EMOTIONALLY DRIVEN COSMOPOLITAN GAME OF THE WEEK: MIAMI + 3   
5   FUZZY NAVEL BOMBS!!!!!

 
 

LAST WEEK:  3-1   ( + 9 BOMBS )

YEAR TO DATE:   5-3  ( + 12 BOMBS )

GAME OF WEEK:  2-0 

SHARE
Previous articleThe Week 6 Playbook
Next articleVoodoo’s New Hits & Rankings: Week 6
CJ Sullivan
CJ Sullivan has been a staple in the Los Angeles and Chicago comedy scene for many years. CJ has been on Comedy Central and performs in numerous comedy clubs across the country. His writing credentials include projects for A&E network, Comedy Central, Robert Smigel, and XM/Sirius radio. Sullivan, also a World Series of Poker winning professional poker player, garnered the #1 comedy album spot on iTunes for his newly released stand up comedy album “What am I Complaining About?”.

LEAVE A REPLY