What does Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, Ryan Tannehill, Matthew Stafford, and Tony Romo all have in common? If you say that they are quarterbacks for their respective teams you are only partially correct. These gentleman who throw a leather ball around to some really fast guys have some SERIOUS pieces of arm candy they get to crawl over or under after every game. We could throw an Aaron Rodgers “in front of” joke in there, but we won’t. Do yourself a favor and “Google” each of these guys’ better halves and tell yourself that the quarterback for an NFL team isn’t the best profession on the planet. Now some of them are more productive when it counts than others but at the end of the day, they are rolling around with a super model postgame while you’re rolling around with the remote control watching postgame analysis.
Football season consumes the average fan. All things get put on hold three to four days a week. Whether it is completely neglecting your DVR and shows that you were religious fans of or basically toning out the outside world on game day, life changes during football season. Would I rather see Claire Danes go all Britney Spears on Homeland or Tom Brady go all Tom Brady on opposing defenses on a weekly basis? Do I want to see Carl grow into a bigger teenage punk than he already is on the Walking Dead or watch Phillip Rivers remain the punk he has been since he came into the league? Or maybe, just maybe, I want to see Aaron Rodgers try and kiss one of his wide receivers and see Olivia Munn break up with him in the middle of his postgame. Remember guys and girls, he really, really likes women. Just like we all really, really like the NFL.
* THESE RANKINGS ARE BASED NOT JUST ON RECORD, BUT OVERALL PERFORMANCE AND STRENGTH OF TEAM.
1) Arizona Cardinals (9-1) – The Cardinals are here because they beat the number two team in the conference and held them to under a touchdown. I can’t knock them off the top of the totem pole just yet. Bruce Ariens needs to quit the hat game. You are in your sixties bro.
2) New England Patriots (8-2) – Fifty Shades of Jonas Gray. However, I doubt he has one of those rooms of pain like that dude in the books does.
3) Green Bay Packers (7-3) – I had no idea Aaron Rodgers was jamming Olivia Munn until this week. Do you still believe he REALLY REALLY likes women?
4) Denver Broncos (7-3) – Remember that kid in school who was always tough when his friends were around? I compare that to Peyton Manning when his arsenal of weapons aren’t at his disposal.
5) Kansas City Chiefs (7-3) – It wouldn’t surprise me if the Chiefs beat a slipping Denver team in primetime in two weeks.
6) Philadelphia Eagles (7-3) – We saw the Eagles defense circa de 2010 and Mark Sanchez circa de 2012 in New York.
7) Dallas Cowboys (7-3) – Things tend to work out well for divisional contenders on the bye week.
8) Seattle Seahawks (6-4) – Russell Wilson needs to learn how to pass from the pocket. Any defense with edge rushers that are as fast as Kenyans will eat him alive.
9) Detroit Lions (7-3) –I’m sure Fat Face and Megatron are looking forward to a trip to Gillette and facing a Belichick defense.
10) San Francisco 49ers (6-4) – Ebola Head is another guy who needs to learn to pass from the pocket.
11) Indianapolis Colts (6-4) – I won’t call them frauds, but I will say their defense resembled Cersei Lansister’s legs from Game of Thrones. Wide Open.
12) Pittsburgh Steelers (7-4) – Pittsburgh should have won that game by three touchdowns. I still don’t believe in them.
13) Baltimore Ravens (6-4) – Baltimore gets blown out down in New Orleans on Monday Night. Remember this.
14) Miami Dolphins (6-4) – OK Miami, you have my attention again. You may be good for something other than Wet Willies and Prime 112 Steakhouse.
15) San Diego Chargers (6-4) – An ailing Phillip Rivers is not what Chargers fans want to see in the middle of November.
16) Cincinnati Bengals (6-3-1) – The Bengals did something I didn’t think they were possible of on Sunday. They showed some balls and resilience.
17) Cleveland Browns (6-4) – I said Cleveland would be an eight win team. Anyone want to take even money on that bet?
18) New Orleans Saints (4-6) – I wish I knew what was going on with the Saints.
19) Buffalo Bills (5-5) – The Bills finding a quarterback is like one of those Where’s Waldo books from when I was a kid.
20) Atlanta Falcons (4-6) – Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your first place Atlanta Falcons.
21) Chicago Bears (4-6) – Welcome back Jay Cutler.
22) Houston Texans (5-5) – Is there anything that JJ Watt can’t do?
23) St Louis Rams (4-6) – Shaun Hill beat the Denver Broncos on Sunday. No that is not a typo.
24) Minnesota Vikings (4-6) – Roger Goodell just gave AP a few whacks with a switch straight to the nuts. AP = Aint Playin
25) Washington Redskins (3-7) – Washington has major problems on both sides of the ball. Gruden may have bitten off more than he could chew in Washington.
26) Carolina Panthers (3-7-1) – Cam Newton is bad. He is not good. He should be awarded no points, and may God have mercy on his soul.
27) New Jersey Giants (3-7) – The Giants don’t deserve to play on SNF this week. Eli Manning is a disgrace to the quarterback position as well. I could care less that he won two titles. He is a stiff. Plain and simple.
28) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-8) – Two games out of first place at 2-8. Welcome to the NFC South.
29) New Jersey Jets (2-8) – Jets can’t lose on a bye week.
30) Tennessee Titans (2-8) – We knew on Tennessee’s first offensive play how this night was going to go.
31) Jacksonville Jaguars (1-9) – Jacksonville has had something like nine top-ten picks in recent years and still can’t field a respectable team.
32) Oakland Raiders (0-10) – 0-16 watch is officially on.
Feedback is always good, so feel free to comment here or email me directly.
Follow my Twitter handle at @mikeprocopio.
Or just email me at email@example.com