How can you sum up the last few days if you are a Patriots fan? The typical pun on words would be deflated, like the air got taken out of me, or flat. Forget being a fan of the NFL, if you have been anywhere but sleeping under a bridge like Frank Gallagher in Shameless, you’ve been made well aware of “Deflategate”. I’m not going to bore you with the specifics or details on this one. NBC, CBS, ABC, and BBC have all become scientists and football gurus overnight and are trained in the PSI of pig intestines. It is a shame because this year’s game has the makings to be one of the greats, especially with the multiple story lines that don’t have to do with deflated balls. This whole thing is turning into one big NFL clustafuck, that makes Roger Goodell look no smarter than Mickey Mouse.
I can’t possibly handle all of this content on my own this time around, so I got a little bit of help. It isn’t every day you have female sports fans whom are both knowledgeable and have a following of their own. A fellow Bostonian blogger, has been kind enough to lend her sports and pop culture expertise in breaking down this year’s game. Want to know what Giselle is rocking post game when she gets Tommy back into the room? Or if Katy Perry really is banging J.J. Watt all week before her performance at halftime? We’ll break it all down for you in our Super Bowl 49 Preview.
First thing’s first, with the Patriots under the microscope of everyone in America right now, what is the best and worst possible outcome of Super Bowl 49?
MP: The Patriots are in damned if they do, and damned if they don’t situation here. If the Patriots somehow come out on top Sunday, they’ll be looked at as cheaters for the “Deflategate” scandal. All eyes will be pointed back to the AFC Championship game, where in my opinion, it wouldn’t have mattered if Screech Powers was playing quarterback. The worst possible outcome would be if they lost to Seattle, and the critics credit all of their previous successes to cheating. Life would get even worse if they eventually are found guilty of deflating footballs. Then I would crawl under a rock until training camp started in July. But let’s be honest, TB12 still wins at everything. He has impregnated two super models and continues to crush life on a daily basis.
HoH: The Patriots absolutely dominating the game is the best possible outcome, obviously! A Patriots victory is fundamental to my happiness and well being at this point. Right now, there’s nothing that I want more. I can’t even think about the worst outcome because I can’t allow myself to go to that place unnecessarily.
Who is the X-Factor in this one? Guys like Brady and Beast Mode are both givens, but who is the one player who can really swing the balance in their team’s favor?
MP: A few weeks ago, Danny Amendola had his J.D Drew moment. He completely crushed it in Divisional Round and really made that contract worth every penny. This guy used to play Seattle twice a year in St. Louis. Sure he is as brittle as a plate of Ritz Crackers, but he is familiar with them. Watching what some of the Packers players did out of the slot, Amendola may be primed to make some big plays in big spots. The question is will Tommy look his way, and have the trust in him that he does in his other binkies.
HoH: Obvious answers would be Revis, McCourty, Gronkowski and Edelman, but the Patriots have embodied the Belichick mantra of “do your job” this season more than ever, and that’s why I truly think that ANY player has that X-Factor potential. On the defensive side of the ball, keep your eyes on Dont’a Hightower, he seems to step up when it really matters. On the offensive side of the ball, I’m going with LeGarrette Blount. He’s GIGANTIC, absolute powerhouse running back, always finds the holes to run through and fights for that extra yard or two by falling forward on first and seconds downs, which is an obvious benefit when facing a third down. Not to mention, he’s going to do whatever he can to succeed because he truly loves playing for Belichick (the coach that took him from Tampa and then again picked him up when the Steelers released him, because he sees Blount’s power.) For Seattle, the obvious answers are Sherman, Beast Mode and Russell Wilson. On the defensive side of the ball, watch Kam Chancellor. That guy is HUNGRY for football. He attacks each play and goes after the other team, in whatever way that he can. I mean, he hurdled Carolina, not once, but TWICE to block a field goal. It was downright impressive. On the offensive side, watch Luke Wilson. He’s underrated and isn’t talked about as much because the legion of boom definitely steals the thunder from him, but I bet he’ll perform well for Seattle.
Katy Perry is doing the halftime show this year, along with Lenny Kravitz. What are your expectations on that? She has also been pictured with J.J. Watt on Instagram and a few magazines as well, what is the probability he is “saluting” her during Super Bowl week?
MP: I am not a Katy Perry fan. I just can’t bring myself to like her and her playing the “blonde” card with hair that changes colors like the weather. As far as J.J. Watt, he can slay anyone he wants. He can do much better than Katy Perry. Maybe she is jamming Lenny Kravitz. It is a huge step down from Halle Berry. My money is on that theory, over the one of her laying there listlessly for #99. I don’t expect much out of her, maybe some strobe lights and her butchering American Woman. And for anyone keeping score at home, Halle Berry >>>>>> Katy Perry.
HoH: I can’t wait to see Katy Perry sashay out in some crazy costume-wig combo and sing a compilation of basic jams. An absolute plot twist would be if she had Taylor Swift come out as an unannounced special guest – and throwing their “feud” back at everyone. That’s EXACTLY how girl world works. As far J.J. Watt goes, he’s probably going to be front row jamming to “California Girls” with everyone else in America. (Don’t lie, you’re know you’re going to.)
Whether you call your local bookie, buy a few super bowl squares at a party with clueless friends and family , or dabble into placing wagers at the nearest casino, the Super Bowl has some of the most unique proposition bets you’ll ever see. We have some of our own here on Voodoo Brown as well as our annual score prediction.
Number of times “Deflategate” gets asked about or mentioned in the Patriots portion of Media Day?
MP: How many miles is it from Boston to Glendale? Multiply that by 12.5 PSI and divide it by the number of blank stares Bill gives a media member for asking a bonehead question.
HoH: Rule #1 of the SB49 Week Drinking Game – drink every time Deflategate is said aloud. Sure fire way to get your personal party of one going.
Which is greater, number of times Brady gets sacked or number of times Giselle sacks Brady post-game if the Patriots win?
MP: I just hope I don’t have to hear, “My husband cannot catch the fucking ball and throw the fucking ball” come out of her mouth. I don’t want to have to relive what I heard in 2011 after the second loss to the Giants. Having said that, I’m going with Brady GETTING sacked by the Seahawks here. Our offensive line is still a bit dodgy. If Brady wins, Giselle is breaking out the wings to prance around in up in the Presidential Suite. She only wears them for an hour though. Super G needs he rest on the bed of organic kale and quinoa she brought with her to Glendale.
HoH: I certainly hope it’s the latter, for all of our sakes.
Will we “Psycho Tom Brady” midway through the second quarter of the Super Bowl?
MP: I’m taking the under here. I think we see Psycho Tom Brady the first time the Patriots punch it in the end zone. There hasn’t been a bigger game for this guy with more to prove than Sunday. He also has an army of men behind him who believe him and believe in him.
HoH: Psycho Tom Brady is the best Tom Brady. I think he’s going to come out the gate one thousand percent psycho. He has something to prove here. The chip on his shoulder is more prominent than ever before.
Rob Gronkowski will be photographed grinding with some smoke-show reporter at the Super Bowl post-game party?
MP: He already has them lined up and most likely throwing a party on the Gronk Party Bus. It is pretty ironic that it is a converted church bus. Let’s also not forget Gronk went to the University of Arizona, which isn’t exactly known to produce rocket scientists. If I was a betting man, I would say someone like Michelle Beadle or Ines Sainz would be on his post-game to-do list.
HoH: I’m team-whatever-Gronk-wants-Gronk-gets. He’s arguably one of the most lovable characters in the NFL today. Dominant player, clutch performer. Personality and spunk for days. He’s just a boy that loves, and was put on this Earth, to play football. Fan bases across America would love Gronk on their team, and hate that he’s not. Odds are Gronk will do whatever, or whoever, he wants post-game.
According to Vegas, a prop bet on Tim Wright’s receiving yards is 0.5. Yes, that is 1/2 a yard receiving for anyone who can’t read decimals. Do you take that bet?
MP: So that is one and a half feet we are talking here? Let’s think about that. We have Ron Jeremy and Peter North break out their hoses and combine them and that is what Tim Wright needs to gain in receiving yards on Sunday. Throw any unborn children, the deed to my house, and my soul to Satan himself on this.
HoH: I’ll take the over. He’ll get at least a single yard and that yard will most likely be a touchdown on play-action down by the end-zone.
Finally, what the hell is going to be the outcome and will I have to hide under a rock until mid-summer?
MP: If “Deflategate” hadn’t happened, I would be going with Seattle. I think they are the more complete team in all three phases of the game. However, adversity tends to bring teams together and no team has faced more of it in the past week than the Patriots. 12 is as primed as ever to take home his fourth Lombardi, even if 99% of the public think it is tainted. I love this team, I love everything about them and will turn into an absolute monster during game time. My Patriots bring the Lombardi Trophy back to New England, and 12 cements himself as the G.O.A.T. Patriots 24 – Seattle 23
HoH: The Patriots do the best when the world is against them. All of the media pronounced them dead after the loss at Kansas City, and, well, you know what happened next. The Patriots came roaring back in that Cincinnati game. Nothing fires this team up more than when people write them off, and it’s truly something that filters into the organization from the top down. Belichick came out on Saturday, to give a big old fashioned “fuck off” to the world, became a professor and expert in physics, dropped My Cousin Vinny references and threw Spygate shade like a Ray Ban truck that left the back open while going 85 on the highway. Kraft called for the NFL to apologize to Brady and Belichick if they find nothing. Let’s pause for a second, THE NFL – the National Football League, moneymaker extraordinaire of the United States, APOLIGIZE?! That takes balls. And I LOVE it. So, if it’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s to never count out the Patriots, so long as Kraft, Belichick and Brady are at the helm. That being said, this is going to be one hell of a game. The two best teams, in my opinion, are set to battle, and I, for one, can’t wait to see it.
Here is a little bit about our guest contributor this week.
Name: Hell On Heels Girl
Favorite Athletes: Tom Brady, Julian Edelman, Brad Marchand, & Paul Pierce
College: Second year evening law student
Hobbies: Cheering for Boston sports teams, dominating fantasy football, dancing in heels with a vodka soda in hand & shopping
Here is a few more things you can psychoanalyze in preparation for Sunday’s War….
– There is no gray area when it comes to this team. You are either with us or against us. Kill or be killed. I’m sick and tired of these washed up has been NFL players, who got their asses handed to them by Brady and Belichick during their playing days, now coming out questioning the ass beatings they received. If you got your ass kicked, chances are it is because you just weren’t good enough. Save the Spygate, Deflategate, and Impregnate scandals for another time. This is our time and someone may end up dead come Super Bowl Sunday. I am talking legit murdered.
– Can the Patriots offensive line contain the Seahawks pass rush? Avril and Bennett are both formidable foes whom are looking to detach Tom Brady’s head from his body. If Brady remains upright, the Patriots chances of winning are drastically improved. If not, Super G may be forced find another lover in Glendale on Sunday evening.
– Will Bill Belichick be able to slow down Marshawn Lynch? If there is one area where the Patriots have shown some vulnerability it is in the run defense. Seattle runs a zone blocking scheme, which typically gives the Patriots fits. Guys like Chandler Jones and Rob Ninkovich NEED to show up. If not, the chains will continue to move, and the Brady will be kept on the sidelines while the clock gets milked. Remember when Moreno looked like Barry Sanders the last few times he played the Patriots?
– Can guys like Edelman and Amendola get separation from Seahawks defenders? Sherman, Maxwell, Lane, Wilson, and Big Kam are all monsters. Will the minions be able to handle press coverage and get into their routes in time for Brady to hit them in stride? If not, it will be a long day for #12 and the rest of the Patriots offense.
– Seattle has a group of average receivers and other skill players, that should be an advantage for the Patriots right? Wrong! The Patriots tend to make ham and egger players look like they are ready to be enshrined in Canton. We’ve seen it time and time again. Revis, Browner, and my X-Factor on defense, Jamie Collins, are instrumental in the Patriots chances in success.
– If Brady and Belichick win this, will they both cement their legacies as the best of all time? I believe so. This is their sixth Super Bowl together and if they win it, it will be their fourth Lombardi trophy. In a generation with the salary cap and free agency, this type of success is unprecedented. You can hate the Patriots and everything they stand for all you want to, but you can’t argue with the results that they produce year in and year out. If you are still talking about Spygate or any other “gates” that have been put to rest already, see below.