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These picks are guaranteed, rock solid speculation and are sure to help Fan Duel and Draft Kings pay for more television ads.

PICKS OF THE WEEK: $60,000 Budget

Rivers is great and the Lions don’t have Kong Sue anymore. Every SD running back can catch the ball and Stevie Johnson is a great new toy for Rivers. Most importantly the Lions can score and both of these offenses have been in place for a while. SD is -3 and although the o/u has moved down a point and a half from 46.5 I’m still taking the over which probably means I’m dead wrong about this game but thats ok because I don’t bet football. Go nuts, Phil!

RB FORTE $8800
Jay Cutler pouts around Chicago like a Packer fan in the 80s. Clearly he’s a Packer fan in 2015. He hates Bear fans and there is not an easier way to hurt them than throwing the ball over his head like flowers at a wedding every time they make him responsible. Especially against the Packers. Expect Jon Fox to do something about Jay Cutler. The only answer is Matt Forte.

Peyton Manning can’t feel his fingers? That explains why he hasn’t thrown a spiral since he was a Tennessee Volunteer. He was rough down the stretch last year and losing Halodi Ngata is a difference maker in Baltimore’s run D.

WR DEZ B. $8700
Dez Bryant hasn’t slept since the end of last season.

Full disclosure I’m a Packer fan and said before Jordy Nelson got injured that Davante could be the go to guy by the end of the year. He was fantastic in the playoffs and runs away from entire secondaries at 3/4 speed. Star. Get on board.

He should hit the ground running in SD after a year of watching side arm middle relief pitcher Colin Kaepernacks eyes get closer together. Also Tonio Gates is suspended for 4 games and Stevie J will mop up. Get on him.

Greggy Greg. “7th floor crew”. Youtube that shit.

Ravens offensive line will move the ball all day but their receivers will stall them out in the red zone? I don’t know anything about football.

D DOLPHIN $4700 (VIKES $4400 – GB $4500)
Its an ALL YEAR DOLPHIN PARTY. Never do not have these maniacs in one of your line-ups. Also the vikings will have fun with the niners and the Packers against the Bears is automatic.

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Nate Craig
Nate Craig is owner and operator of “ROSCOE PICO TRAIN” inc. One time, ten team “It’s The Only Thing” fantasy league champion & 4 time University of Wisconsin intramural hockey champion. Nate is a professional comedian and has never played competitive football at any level which qualifies him to run half of the teams in the NFL. These picks are guaranteed, rock solid speculation and are meant only to help Fan Duel and Draft Kings pay for more television ads.