Photo Credit: Paul J. Bereswill

The new season of everyone’s beloved Bottom Line Bombs starts off a week late.  I do apologize to the readers, but I was occupied at a funeral for a great person and comic, Steve O. Harvey*.  It was not all sad news, however, as all of his services were sponsored by Draft Kings.  Ironically, although he was very ill, it was the bombardment of their ads that finally did him in, and I must admit that I’m kind of jealous.

Draft Kings, and its bro in arms, Draft Duel, are the new sensation in legalized gambling.  They pawn themselves off as a more exciting version of fantasy sports, but it is not.  It is a wolf dressed in Gronk’s clothing.  It is a lottery that you have no chance of winning.  If you want to know specifically why, you can read this great article about it.  Basically, it is because the few that do win are professionals, and math geniuses that compose data programs that are built to destroy us.

The unrelenting commercials for these sites are kind of hilarious.  It combines the cheesy late night ad scripts of ‘easy money’ testimonials with relatable activities like drinking and watching football at a PJ McRoofie’s Yell & Pub.  Hey, I play fantasy football. I get drunk in a backwards ball cap and scream casual racism when Dez Bryant drops a pass. Let me put on my jersey, log in, and make a quick Mil against some nerds.

We just quit out jobs to ship millions against some nerds!!
We just quit out jobs to ship millions against some nerds!!

Honestly, if their goal is to con money out of the bros who order their 3am burritos in Spanish in attempt to relate to the cook, then I’m all for it.  So let ESPN partner up with them, I say. Keep the ads coming, have them sponsor the next hilarious GOP debate. Wipe out all of their accounts and force them to ‘slum it’ and take UberX for a year.

Now on to this year’s first edition of my BLB’s. I don’t promise these bombs will make you money or get rewarded with giant sized novelty checks, because as always, they are for tobacco use only….

 

 

New England -1 @ Buffalo:
America spent the entire off season partaking in our new favorite pastime of accusing the Patriots of cheating. Even though deep down we all know how absurd it is to have a federal court case to determine if Tom Brady deflated a ball, we act like we care, because it’s fun. It’s fun to discredit the Patriots numerous titles, and anger their obnoxious fawhkin fans as much as possible.

Bill Belichick and the Patriots are cheaters, not because they filmed opponents signals, or pumped ZLX classic rock into the Steelers’ headsets. Or even had a 44 year old ball boy put a needle into some footballs in the pissah before the AFC title game. They probably did do all of that.. a lot.

You'd be amazed how easy it is to guess other coach's passwords
You’d be amazed how easy it is to guess other coach’s passwords

The Patriots are cheaters, because they are smarter than everyone else, mainly their coach Bill Belichick. Everyone in the NFL tries to cheat and get an advantage, but what holds them back is usually their dumb coaching staff of ex players. The Patriots figured out if they hired a guy who never really played the game, is smart, and an asshole… well, now we got something. Belichick, technically played football at Wesleyan University, but he was also the captain of the lacrosse team (HUGE ASSHOLE ALERT).

Bill Belichick was the first coach to understand modern technology and how it can be beneficial as far as digital recording and play files. It’s not his fault the rest of the league has meathead coaches with active AOL email accounts. So, while the rest of the league tried to cheat with caveman tactics like cash bounties to injure Hall of Famers, the Patriots did actual useful cheating.   Grrrrr!! Dey cheat bettah than we do!! Hate them so much!!

The other thing that makes Belichick successful is his understanding of game theory. In football, that basically boils down to saving your timeouts and occasionally going for it on 4th down. The best part of this, is that now everyone else is trying to emulate him, but they have no idea what it means, and they wind up having epic meltdowns. This will be explained in the next two bombs below.

Now I want you to put "Let's Make the Bills Great " Then if there's room, a tiger
Now I want you to put “Let’s Make the Bills Great Again” Then if there’s room, a tiger

 

The Buffalo Bills are coached by Rex Ryan, who is the opposite of a cerebral mastermind. The long time rival of Belichick, has kept a career because a decade ago he “coached” an actual living monster named Ray Lewis and occasionally has some funny quotes. He says a lot of stupid things too, but they are kind of entertaining, so teams keep hiring him to see what he’ll say next. He’s basically the Donald Trump of the NFL.

The reason why this line is only 1 point, is because Rex Trump had a surprisingly good debut last Sunday. At the post game presser, Ryan seemed to be shocked himself, so he immediately started talking trash against New England. Now he has everyone believing that the Bills are good, just because he say so. Kind of a genius move.

The Bills are not allowed to be good, that’s just common knowledge. Much like how Donald Trump can not actually become our President. The speeches and quotes are fun and all, but eventually we need to stop the shenanigans, and find a candidate who knows how to operate the new Windows system.

 

NEBottom Line: New England -1
3  Bombs!!!

 

Green Bay -3.5  vs.  Seattle:
When a team loses a big game due to a costly blunder at the end, one usually hears the tired lines, “No one play cost us the game. We wouldn’t have been in that position if it wasn’t for him.” This is usually said by the coach to protect their player who just fumbled or threw a terrible interception right at the end of the game.

That’s what made Seattle’s disastrous loss of last year’s Super Bowl so great. It was because of one play, and it was 100% the coach’s fault. Everyone in the world agreed, including his own players. Pete Carroll lost the Super Bowl, because he did not hand it off to Marshawn Lynch.

There was something so pure about it. No, multiple goats, or heroes on the other side. Sure, some rookie Patriot made a great play for the interception, but who cares? I’m not even going to open up a new tab to find out his name. I don’t care, that just distracts us from the fact that Pete Carroll lost the Superbowl.

The question everyone asked, which was never really quite answered, was WHY?? Why didn’t you just hand the ball to Lynch? It was obvious he was going to walk into the end zone. He was the damn story all week, he just drug 4 defenders 8 yards. It was perfect. Hand it off. Win the Superbowl.

One theory is that Belichick got in his head with a Jedi mind trick, and forced him to pass with some game theory thinking that he could have a timeout or whatever. That is something to trump up Belichick to be more of a “genius” than he really is. We’ve already established that the rest of the League is just dumb. But I’ll bite.

Carroll is not your ordinary dumb meathead coach. He’s smarmy, sure, but not your standard football dumb. Carroll is the rare, Hermosa Beach-stoner-conspiracy theory kind of crazy. He is a 9/11 truther.  Seriously.  He’s a 60 something year old man who has the same beliefs of a stoned teenage goth kid.

Jet fuel can't burn a Steelers defense maaaan, Don't you see?
Jet fuel can’t burn a Steelers defense maaaan, Don’t you see?

His career was going along great, until about one minute to go in last year’s Super Bowl. Belichick inserted a defensive back, didn’t call a timeout… then all of a sudden, Carroll’s acid kicked in. He melted down, called a pass, and blew the Super Bowl. He still hasn’t recovered, as he called last week’s game like Syd Barrett hiding on his roof. Just the sight of a 4th and 1 made him freak out and give the ball to Lynch, even though it was the wrong call.

There are conspiracies that Carroll handed it off to Lynch to prove that he made the right call in the Superbowl. If that is true, that’s even more hilarious, since the two situations were no where near identical, and his mind might truly be fried.

This Sunday night, they rematch the Packers, the team they barely beat to get to the Super Bowl. It’s also the last time Seattle won a game. I’m hoping every time Carroll sees Seattle kicking the ball off, he has a flashback and tries to onside it. Not knowing that Green Bay swiftly released their goat who fumbled the one away the week after that game.

Packers should avenge the loss and send Carroll spiraling back down to Venice where he can talk to his fellow Moonies (2nd current 60s reference!) about the one time he won a Super Bowl in New York City!  Or did he….

 

GBBottom Line: Green Bay -3.5
3  Bombs!!!

Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: NY Giants -2.5 vs Atlanta:
It is rare to find a team that is on the verge of completely falling apart just one week into the season, but these are the Giants. While Deflategate dominated the headlines, the funniest off season drama went to New York’s Jason Pierre Paul. The young defensive star was about to sign an enormous contract before he blew off half of his hand in a firework mishap.

There is nothing more American than being young and dumb, and no better way to do display that than to drunkenly light off some M-80s in your hand on 4th of July. Of course, it hasn’t been reported if he was drinking, but if he wasn’t… shame on him. This is America damn it! You get drunk and ruin your life like a true Patriot…or a Giant, if you will.

The story got more American, as JPP hid from team officials in a Florida hospital, not allowing them a look at the damage. Paul believed his medical records were a personal matter and should not be shared with outsiders. The Giants were under more of the thought process that if we are going to pay an athlete $100 million, maybe we should have a lil’ look see at how many working digits he has.

 

It's all good coach, I just gotta hold my bad hand in place with my one good hand
It’s all good coach, I just gotta hold my bad hand in place with my one good hand

Paul ensured management that its fine, just a little flesh wound, go ahead and draw up that contract, and he’ll sign it with his feet. The Giants, somehow didn’t take his word and went back to New York. Paul released an Instagram video of him pulling a sled and wearing an oven mitt. So everything’s good, right?

Well, this week, the NY tabloids released this great pic. Take a look at that thing. It’s awesome. It looks like Carl Weathers’ character in “Happy Gilmore”. Always the optimist (and a guy who still thinks he’s getting $100 million), Paul said “Hey, I’ve never sacked a QB with my finger anyway. Besides, I’m always in a 3 point stance now. I would just keep sawing off the other fingers and make the hand as horrifying as possible, just to frighten your opponent into submission.

On the field, things were even worse for the Giants. Last week, Eli Manning and coach Tom Coughlin did a seldomly seen combined choke job. With 3 chances to score from the one, Eli stopped the first two by inexplicably telling his running back NOT to score. So on third down, Coughlin decided to join the meltdown and called a pass play to give Dallas just enough time for their inevitable, nauseating comeback victory. Eli also could have prevented that also, if he didn’t all of a sudden forget how to get sacked. Belichick ruins another team, by forcing them to think.

You got me, I don't know what it takes to get fired from this job either
You got me, I don’t know what it takes to get fired from this job either

Fortunately for the Giants, this is exactly the spot they revel in.  Coughlin, an ex Marine, loves nothing more than a “bunker mentality” and overcoming improbable odds. Especially when the poor situation is self made. Every Giant season seems like its 4 years long. They go from the worst to the painfully mediocre, to the best, then back down to garbage, and finally arrive safely at 9-7.

Coughlin will rally the troops this week, and have his soldiers ready to fight and get in some hand to dismembered hand contact.

 

NYGIRISH CAR BOMB GAME OF THE WEEK: NY Giants -2.5
5 BOMBS!!!!!

 

 

Last Week: 0-0

Year to Date: 0-0

 

 

* If you think it was wrong to joke about Steve O Harvey’s funeral, know that he would have laughed at it.  He had to be talked out of pre recording a roast of the audience for his own funeral (We still read the transcript, it killed! Well, ya know, did well).

He left behind a wife, Andrea, and a very sick 2 year old daughter, Lila Blue.  If you would like to read their story and donate to their piling medical bills, you can here.   Thank you.

 

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CJ Sullivan
CJ Sullivan has been a staple in the Los Angeles and Chicago comedy scene for many years. CJ has been on Comedy Central and performs in numerous comedy clubs across the country. His writing credentials include projects for A&E network, Comedy Central, Robert Smigel, and XM/Sirius radio. Sullivan, also a World Series of Poker winning professional poker player, garnered the #1 comedy album spot on iTunes for his newly released stand up comedy album “What am I Complaining About?”.

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