Nate Craig is owner and operator of “ROSCOE PICO TRAIN” inc. One time, ten team “It’s The Only Thing” fantasy league champion & 4 time University of Wisconsin intramural hockey champion. Nate is a professional comedian and has never played competitive football at any level which qualifies him to run half of the teams in the NFL. These picks are guaranteed, rock solid speculation and meant only to help Fan Duel and Draft Kings pay for more television ads.
Fantasy picks of the week: $60,000 Budget.
QB – RUSSEL WILSON $8,400
“Russ-el. Last name Wil-son”. The Bears will put up more of a fight than people think being that they get a chance to prove how worthless Jay Cutler is. But the Seahawks need a win and their dipshit fans will act like their team actually needs them. Most importantly the Bear D will not be able to get off the field in the 2nd half. If Marshawn Lynch really does have a gimpy calf, look for Wilson to run for 90 and pass for 300. 8 TDs, 4 two point conversions and a Paul A-llen in a velcro-baseball-cap.
RB – ADRIAN PETERSON $8,900
I don’t know anything about either of these teams, but Teddy Bridgewater makes Christian Ponder look like a pro. He wears gloves on both hands. That’s something old white quarterbacks do in December. Not a cool young buck on Minnesota’s only nice day of the year. The only reason Teddy Bridge-to-Nowhere does it, is so he doesn’t slice his finger on AP’s pads while handing him the ball 50 times.
RB – JAMAAL CHARLES $8,700
When the schedule came out and the Chiefs found out they had field passes for an Aaron Rodgers home game Andy Reid got everyone together and announced that he was getting a plane. Jamaal Charles will draw the short straw and carry the footballs for half the game. Count on him to score as quickly as possible so the boys can get back to watching Rodgers do his thang. That thang being hating Alex Smith and anyone that ever wronged him or was perceived to be better than him.
WR – TY HILTON $7,600
There are only a few players in the league that can make the worst team the best. Those players are Tom Brady, Andrew Luck and Brandon Marshall. The Colts look terrible and Luck has played the worst football of his career. Chuck Pagano pretty much called him a pussy and Andrew is such a sweet boy that the only way he knows how to respond is to be a better man and football player. TY is the only Colt that deserves him. They will survive. Together.
WR – JAMES JONES $5,700
James Jones and Aaron Rodgers are classic buddy cops. Jones has never been able to run. His legs don’t match his torso and Rodgers loves it. He just likes to watch him run. If the Packers cross half field, Rodgers and Jones take their shirts off and play beach volleyball in slow motion. Dog tags swinging, shoulder holsters, texting each others girlfriends. Sometimes Rodgers calls a time out so they can play keep away with the Offensive coordinators headset. They love each other and they could not be happier.
WR – TRAVIS BENJAMIN $5,600
Who is he? He’s the guy that gets past everyone, every time, and could catch touchdowns from a punter. At this price he’s a STEAL!
TE – JIMMY GRAHAM $6,300
Didn’t you hear? He’s unhappy in the offense. He thought he was going to the 85’ Dolphins. He doesn’t understand why his quarterback doesn’t have a mole on his face. What he does understand is how to catch 2 touchdowns in a blowout.
D – TAMPA BAY $4,100
Saving money here. Texans blow and their only offensive threat might not play.
K – CHANDLER CATANZARO $4,700
The legend of Zaro? If this guy makes me look good once I’ll claim him for eternity. Also the Cards are great and should move all over the niners.