Nate Craig is owner and operator of “ROSCOE PICO TRAIN” inc. One time, ten team “It’s The Only Thing” fantasy league champion & 4 time University of Wisconsin intramural hockey champion. Nate is a professional comedian and has never played competitive football at any level which qualifies him to run half of the teams in the NFL. These picks are guaranteed, rock solid speculation and meant only to help Fan Duel and Draft Kings pay for more television ads.
Fantasy picks of the week: $60,000 Budget.
QB – TYROD TAYLOR $7,600
Here at “Nate’s awful picks for your unhealthy gambling addiction”, we have been firmly on board with Tyrod Taylor since day one. The Giants have their backs against a wall and that is where it will stay. They wont get dismantled, but the Bills D (also a start this week) will be an easy home start all season. You know what was really in the box at the end of “Seven”? Face paint. Bills fans have the upper hand, and the Bills offense will be getting unlimited possessions.
RB – ADRIAN PETERSON $9,000
Adrian Peterson knows how to handle altitude. An “altitude problem” is what his son used to have. And Adrian Peterson don’t take no sass. The Vikings can’t sustain drives, but either can the Broncos. Minnesota’s defense should be able to keep their offense on the field and the Broncos sputtering run-game simply cannot chew clock. Roll with superman.
RB – JAMAAL CHARLES $8,700
Andy Reid does not have a “Glock in his ‘rrari”. He definitely has a Ferrari, and it’s named Jamaal. Alas, their awful passing game leaves Andy ‘glockless’. As a feminist, I feel for the Chiefs passing game. Its trapped under a glass ceiling. Alex Smith just can’t seem to throw a ball more than 8 feet off the ground. Sometimes I wonder if his arm makes $.76 on the dollar. Jamaal Charles doesn’t have to worry about that ceiling. Because he’s 5’5” and runs a 4 second 40.
WR – MIKE EVANS $7,500
The most impressive thing about Odell Beckham Jr’s “Rookie of the Year” award, was not that he did it in 12 games, but that he beat Mike Evans for it. Evans is a monster that runs crisp routes and put up incredible numbers with Ichabod Crane chucking footballs downfield like they were his date’s purse and opposing Defenses were on horse back with flaming pumpkins. I don’t care who is throwing the football, if they can hit the half of the field Mike Evans is standing on, he will catch the ball and probably score a touchdown.
WR – AMARI COOPER $7,200
Holy shit have I not put him in here yet? This fucking guy. Cooper is Drake lyrics on a football field. His highlights are braggadocious. And Chicago is dumping players like a plane that doesn’t have enough fuel to make it to the off-season. Expect Amari Cooper to push a few more out the cargo door with one straight arm while the other one empties the drink cart.
WR – TY MONTGOMERY $4,700
Look I understand that Aaron Rodgers loves his life partner James Jones. And that the whole offense runs through Randall Cobb. But Davante Adams is out, and Rodgers wants serious payback for 4 inexplicable losses to Colin Kaeapernic. Side note: I went to the Packers Niners game at the Candlestick before they closed it, and every single member of the 49er fanbase looks exactly like Colin Kaeperknick, man or woman. I’m convinced it’s the reason he hasn’t been run out of town. It’s definitely why he ever sold a single jersey. That and the fact that the Packers let him ride on their shoulders for two years. Rodgers (Cal) and Montgomery (Stanford) return to the bay to embarrass cousin Kaepernik and whatever 4th cornerback they put on a receiver that has looked terrific so far wherever they’ve used him in the offense. And he returns kicks. At this price he’s a STEAL!
TE – CHARLES CLAY $5,200
Charles Clay is so smooth he shaves his legs. Last week he started to realize what a huge mistake he made moving to Buffalo. The deciduous trees are starting to turn and all he can do to feel better is score touchdowns. As stated before, he and the offense will be on the field plenty.
D – BUFFALO $4,800
Maybe we see 2 time World Champion Eli Manning. But if we dont, COUNT THAT MONEY!!!!
K – ADAM VINATIERI $4,900
“The Jacksonville Jaguars” @ “The Indianapolis Colts”