Mark Ingram (Tom Fox/The Dallas Morning News)

Everyone knows that the NFL is an evil mega corporation that takes themselves way too seriously.  Besides believing they are their own separate judicial branch of the law, they lie to their players about concussion studies, charge the military money for their forced PR moments of soldiers family reunions, and keep most of the proceeds they raise for Breast Cancer awareness.

There are plenty of legitimate reasons to not like the NFL, and it is a good thing that they have recently been highlighted in the news. Unfortunately, it has also created a brand new type of annoying person to hate — the suddenly socially conscious football fan. They are hilarious.

These previous football fans suddenly realize that the players they are watching get physically injured during their dangerous jobs, and now they just can’t support it anymore. They announce it on social media like they are breaking up with a spouse.

It is with a heavy heart, that I announce my parting ways with the NFL.  I can no longer in good faith, watch these men knowingly that they are killing themselves playing this game. And all for what? Our entertainment? Can’t we move on as a civilized society? I just don’t have the same joy watching it as I used to.

Yea, no shit. It’s because you’re no longer a child. You have become an adult, nothing gives us the same joy anymore. We only seek distractions from reality now. Being an adult is terrible, it has responsibilities. Congratulations on recognizing that.

Yes, the players are probably killing themselves on the field,  but so are we just watching the game.  I don’t need to hear from a guy at a bar drinking shots and eating wings that you’re suddenly worried about J.J. Watt’s health.  He’s doing fine.  It’s us that are dead inside, so let me watch the game.  There’s a lot of dangerous jobs in this world, at least they look like they’re having fun.

These millionaires will never know how to live a full life
These millionaires will never know how to live a full life

So here are this weeks bombs, for us to enjoy during our fruitful lives between all of the wonderful jobs we have and thoroughly enjoy.  Of course, they are for tobacco use only…

 

Miami +1.5  vs NY Jets (London):
Once again, the NFL is forcing England to endure one of their excruciating games this Sunday. Nobody looks forward to this punishment that Goodell hands down every October. Not the players, the coaches, and most importantly, the people of England. They don’t give a shite about American football. Why should they? It looks dumb to them, because it is dumb if you didn’t grow up on it.

Why do they keep running into each other?
Why do they keep running into each other?

Roger Goodell desperately wants his league to have the same international appeal as the NBA does.  The problem is, (besides no other country plays the sport) that he only wants to expand to Europe because they have money. He has no interest in pushing it to lands that might embrace a new form of entertainment to scream at. So every year, England is bestowed to host the Ugly Americans week of awful football and tours of Parliament.

The game itself, is always bad in every way. The teams are mediocre, everything looks damp, and there’s just an uneasy feeling the players have from using a week of English toilet paper.  It starts at 6 in the morning and nothing seems to make sense in this game.

The Jets have already announced they aren’t doing any sight seeing and not leaving until Thursday. That’s because they have a surprisingly good team and coach, Todd Bowles, wants to treat this as a “business trip”.  I love when coaches say they are going on a “business trip” for every road game.  We get it, you take your job of ball play very seriously.

The Dolphins, on the other hand, are a disaster right now, and a lot of that has to do with their coach, Joe Philbin. Miami already wants him fired after their 1-2 start, and he looks like he has zero control over his team. He can’t wait to leave America for this one.

Philbin will embrace the absurdity of this game. He’s going to wear a football club scarf, enter a dart contest after some pints, and not give a shit what his players do all week. English fans have a sense of humor about themselves and realize the triviality of sports. This nonsense is exactly the environment the Dolphins need right now.

MIABottom Line: Miami +1.5
3 British Bombs!!!

 

 

San Diego -7  vs.  Cleveland:
Keeping with the theme of ugly looking nonsensical football, is the Cleveland Browns. There is nothing exciting about the Browns. Ever. The franchise is known for terrible looking uniforms and losing. In their defense, they are great at it. They have a long history of ugly losses, and they stick to their traditions.

Even the Browns greatest legend, Jim Brown, is also known for being the best lacrosse player of all time. No shit he was. He was Jim fucking Brown. It’s because he decided to play it.  I’m sure Bo Jackson would have been a hell of a lacrosse player too if he wanted to be, and the sport wasn’t played by rich bros with mop tops. What prick from Princeton was going to be able to stand in front of that truck coming at him?

The Browns don’t even lose in exciting ways anymore like they did in the 80s. Back then, their losses had nicknames, like “The Drive” and “The Fumble”. At least those losses allowed Cleveland fans to have a story, and pretend like they wouldn’t have been slaughtered by Joe Montana in those Super Bowls like the Broncos were.

Now, the Browns just bore themselves to death. Any glimmer of an exciting player they acquire, immediately loses their mind in a world of dullness. Josh Gordon was a legitimate star WR for them and an exciting player, but after 2 seasons on the Browns, he literally had to smoke so much weed that the NFL kicked him out. You know how much marijuana one has to get caught doing for the NFL to say you can’t play for them?

No, I haven't checked out the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame yet, sounds fun!
No, I haven’t checked out the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame yet, sounds fun!

They literally tell the players when they are going to get drug tested, and Gordon didn’t care. He basically Instagrammed a photo of him smoking on a plane leaving Cleveland to Vegas, the second the season was over. That’s how badly he wanted out of Cleveland.

This all brings us to the party boy, Heisman winning QB, Johnny Football. The Browns drafted Johnny Manziel and immediately told him that he is a terrible QB and should go to rehab. Good strategy. After one year in Cleveland, his drinking changed from young, life of the party type to the life hating Teamster inside of a morning bar.

Now, whether he actually does have the skill set to play quarterback in the NFL remains to be seen. He scrambles around, and breaks all the conventional rules of throwing across the field.  Basically, he is exciting to watch, and the Browns hate excitement.

Manziel got his first start in Week 2 after dullard Josh McCown got injured. Johnny Football won the game and had fun highlights that gave the fan base actual feelings of joy. So, the Browns naturally benched Manziel immediately for the next game and they lost to the Raiders. The coaches believe that McCown gives their team the best chance to win a game in a professional setting. Great. Tell you what Browns, nobody gives a shit if Josh McCown wins games. Nobody. Not even McCown cares if he plays.

It’s not going to matter. The Browns are going to lose most games anyway, how about you let their fans watch something for 3 hours on Sunday, that’s not their miserable lives passing them by. It’s amazing, even the Browns hate the Browns.

SDBottom Line: San Diego -7
3 Bombs!!!

 

 

Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: New Orleans -3.5 vs. Dallas
The Dallas Cowboys are in a lot of trouble right now. They lost their two best players, Dez Bryant and Tony Romo, to severe injuries. Of course, if you listen to their obnoxious owner, Jerry Jones, one would think everything is going according to plan. After every game, he gives hilarious interviews to the press with his own made up medical updates, and people believe him.

After Dez broke a bone in his foot on opening night, Jones told reporters that he would be out for a couple of weeks. Doctors immediately said, “Yea, that doesn’t sound right. He’s going to need surgery and extensive time to heal, it’s more like 3 months.”  The media couldn’t decide who to believe more, the trained doctors that have dedicated their lives to the world of medicine, or a scotch swilling oil man billionaire. Turns out, the expert surgeons were correct, and Dez won’t be back for a while. Oh well, could have went either way I guess.

The next game got even worse, when Tony Romo broke his collarbone. This time, Jones decided not to play doctor, and elected to go the route of old timey snake oil salesman. He acted like the injury was a blessing, because now they can play their incredible journeyman backup QB, Brandon Weeden. Jones told reporters that when he watches Weeden throw a ball it is a “thing of beauty” and purer than Troy Aikman’s passes. Jones is the best. He is so rich and arrogant, he is just used to everyone agreeing with him, so he doesn’t even know when he is bullshitting anymore.

Can't believe they are buying this shit
Can’t believe they are buying this shit

A quick recap of Weeden’s short NFL career so far. He was drafted out of college as a rookie at the age of 28. This was because he tried his hand in baseball for 6 years or so, then went to college after that didn’t work out. At Oklahoma State, he had two good seasons as a full grown adult with a family playing against teenagers. Of course it was a thing of beauty. You ever dunk on your 6 year old nephew in nerf hoops? It’s exhilarating. Unfortunately, they eventually grow up and destroy you… but it was fun while it lasted.

The Saints are not playing good football right now, and Drew Brees is a little hurt himself. No matter how bad they are though, the TV networks always schedule a night game in New Orleans once a year. This is because the city of New Orleans is one hell of a time, and Al Michaels wants to get crunked, so schedule the damn game. The Saints never lose at home at night, because the opponents don’t stand a chance against their voodoo night life. Even if Jones claims he invented the perfect potion to cure the hangover.

NOBottom Line Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: New Orleans -3.5
5 Bombs!!!!!

 

 
Last Week: 1-2 ( -1 Bomb )

Game of the Week: 1-1

Year to Date: 3-3 ( 0 Bombs )
 

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CJ Sullivan
CJ Sullivan has been a staple in the Los Angeles and Chicago comedy scene for many years. CJ has been on Comedy Central and performs in numerous comedy clubs across the country. His writing credentials include projects for A&E network, Comedy Central, Robert Smigel, and XM/Sirius radio. Sullivan, also a World Series of Poker winning professional poker player, garnered the #1 comedy album spot on iTunes for his newly released stand up comedy album “What am I Complaining About?”.

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