Fire it up, Cincy!!!!!

It didn’t take too long for the demise of the bro-friendly legalized gambling sites “Draft Kings” and “Fan Duel”. This week, among reports of insider trading, it was reported that employees at these sites made $6 million playing on their rival’s pages.   Who would’ve seen that coming?

I’m certainly not the first one to point out that people have no chance of winning on these scam sites, but I find it hilarious how deep companies like ESPN and Fox are with them. They are scrambling and trying to deflect as best as possible. The next couple of weeks will be pretty great to watch.

Just set your lineup, and collect your cash!
Just set your lineup, and collect your cash!

The only thing I fear out of all of this is the inevitable biopic that’s going to be made 2 years from now about these companies. It’ll be as if “Boiler Room” sprayed “The Wolf of Wall Street” with Axe body spray and injected it with 10 gallons of Monster Energy Drink. I already despise the cast of this unmade movie.

Anyway, just two bombs this week, so let’s Keep Calm and Class Action Law Suit on Bro! As always, all picks are for tobacco use only:

 

Dallas +9 vs. New England:
The fifth week of the season is always huge for the Dallas Cowboys, because it’s when their real players get back from League suspension. The lawless Cowboys have always been a welcome halfway house for the ‘roided up social deviants of the gridiron. They are kept locked away in Jerry’s bungalow until week 5, ready to be unleashed.

Besides Rolando McClain, Dallas gets to show off their new parolee, Greg Hardy, on Sunday. Hardy’s horrific past that led to this suspension involved him being found guilty of assaulting a female and communicating threats. In short: he beat the hell out of a woman, threw her on a pile of guns, and told her he was going to kill her… and she definitely believed him.

Note to self: Don't fall directly asleep on the prison bars
Note to self: Don’t fall directly asleep on the prison bars

This week, Hardy made amazingly tone deaf comments about how he’s going to come out “guns blazing” on Sunday. Just so no one confused his quip as being an unfortunate common phrase, he parlayed that into an odd rambling about why he is excited to play against Tom Brady:

“I love seeing Tom Brady. You seen his wife? I hope she comes to the game,” Hardy said. “I hope her sister comes to the game …”

Dear Lord.

Now, while there’s nothing funny or surprising about a terrible sociopath being completely unaware of his reputation, how Jerry Jones reacted kind of was. Last week I talked about how the Cowboys owner likes to play doctor and car salesman on lemon QBs. With Hardy, he knows he’s going to have his oily hands full. When Jones was first told about Hardy’s unfortunate “guns blazing” line, he hilariously reacted, “Oh my goodness”. That’s when Jones gathered himself, stopped being a human being with normal human being reactions and went into his new role of PR spin man.

“Well, you’re not allowed to have guns on the football field. We all know that’s just a way of expressing yourself. I hope his guns are ablazin’,” Jones said.

Wait, what?  I actually give Jones a pass on that insane response, because I honestly didn’t know if it was legal or not to have guns on a football field in Texas. That’s probably a question that comes up a lot down there. As a matter of fact, I bet you can have guns on a field in Texas. Why is that more dangerous than the nuts who shop at Walmart with AK-47s strapped to their beer guts?

Now you say your daddy's a lawyer, right?
Now you say your daddy’s a lawyer, right?

Alright, so let’s move on to the second part of Hardy’s inappropriateness. You know, the part where he told the media he wants to have sex with the family and friends of Tom Brady’s wife. What say you there Jerr?

“When I saw him marry her [Gisele], Tom went up in my eyes 100%. She’s very very attractive and it shows what an outstanding individual Tom is,” Jones told SI.com.

One would think this was said in a room filled of cigar smoke and followed by 4000 back slaps to all of the evil CEO’s from the last 300 years. But no, it was in 2015, to a room full of people with live recorders and press credentials. Jones is simply amazing. Outstanding individual, Jerry is.

The Cowboys might be down a few star players due to injury, but getting near double digit points at home is too good to pass up. Better take them while we can, before their new players are rounded back up by the law.

DALBottom Line: Dallas +9
3 Bombs!!!

 

Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: Cincinnati -3 vs. Seattle: 
As Russell Wilson gets more famous, his image as a squeaky clean religious zealot becomes more annoying to people. He is basically Tim Tebow, if Tebow was good at the sport of football. He claims God wants the Seahawks to win and to be abstinent with his famous girlfriend, Ciara.  Sounds like a real jerk, that God.

When Seattle lost to Green Bay two weeks ago, Aaron Rodgers trolled Wilson when he said, “I guess God was a Packer fan tonight.” It was funny. Rodgers is funny. We all laughed, because holier than thou people are annoying and wince-inducing.

My God, is an Awesome God, He is! But Carroll still shoulda ran the ball
My God, is an Awesome God, He is! But Carroll still shoulda ran the ball

The common retort we say is “God doesn’t care who wins a stupid football game! Especially with all of the other things going on in the world!” I don’t believe in this theory. How do you know God wasn’t watching the Seahawk game? Maybe he had money Pack that night with some of the other rebel rousing angels. God is crazy. You ever read the Old Testament? Neither did I, but I hear there’s some crazy shit in there. That’s a lie, I did read it — years ago in Catholic school, and it’s horrifying.

As far as the argument, that he has bigger problems, you think God can’t multitask? He can have his eyes on refuges fleeing a war torn Syria and make the Steelers miss a field goal at the same time. Come on, he’s friggin God ovah here.

That’s an argument people use on cops when they get pissed over receiving a speeding ticket: “There’s murderers and drug dealers out here and you stop to give me this??” Yes, they both can co-exist.

Now, to complete the logic of acknowledging a God, then there has to be a devil. Who does the devil root for on Sundays? That answer of course, is redheads. People with red hair are the last group of people that we all agree is acceptable to ridicule.

Any time they rightfully complain about our treatment towards them we reply, “Whatever ginger, you’re not a minority, you’re a fetish category on PornHub.” We call them “gingers” just because we need to keep hold of at least one derogatory term we can say in therapeutic anger.

Maybe it was the movie “Children of the Corn”, but red headed guys are perceived as untrustworthy disciples of sorcery. Which brings us to Bengals QB, Andy Dalton. Nobody trusts or like Andy Dalton, and it is mainly because he has red hair (and a bad playoff record). Even nicknames like “The Red Rifle” seem mean and said in jest.

I will throw for 666 yards!
I will throw for 666 yards!

Dalton is having a great year, and has been successful every season he has been in the League. We still don’t trust him… because, freckles. While we laugh at the fire tops, God fearing men (like Wilson) are terrified of them. They are the devil. Dalton will bring all the fury of his fire powers in the land of sin, where they put cinnamon in their chili, and make sure God is watching.

 

CIN6bombsBottom Line Game of the Week: Cincinnati -3
6 Fire Bombs !!!

 

 

 

Last Week: 1-2 (-1 Bombs)

Game of the Week:  2-1 ( +5 Bombs)

Year to Date:  4-5  ( 0 bombs )

 

 

 

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CJ Sullivan
CJ Sullivan has been a staple in the Los Angeles and Chicago comedy scene for many years. CJ has been on Comedy Central and performs in numerous comedy clubs across the country. His writing credentials include projects for A&E network, Comedy Central, Robert Smigel, and XM/Sirius radio. Sullivan, also a World Series of Poker winning professional poker player, garnered the #1 comedy album spot on iTunes for his newly released stand up comedy album “What am I Complaining About?”.

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