Colin Kaepernick at SB XLVII
Kaepernick has waited for this day for almost 3 years. (USA TODAY Sports Images)

By now, most people know that the NFL’s annual Breast Cancer Awareness campaign is a money scam they run every October. What makes them so amazing is that they must know that we know, yet they keep doubling down in their evilness.

Steelers RB DeAngelo Williams recently found out how amazingly cold the NFL can be when it comes to the topic. Williams lost his mother and several aunts to breast cancer. He has been very outspoken about how much the awareness of this disease means to him, and exactly how personal it is.

We hope you bought that shirt off of the official Cancer Licensed NFL Store, DeAngelo! (Photo: Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports)
We hope you bought that shirt off of the official Cancer Licensed NFL Store, DeAngelo! (Photo: Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports)

The NFL, never letting a free PR move get away from them, pimped out Williams on several national TV commercials detailing his mother’s struggle and showing all the great things the NFL did for her and all women. Because the NFL is totes pro ladies.

After she eventually passed, Williams has personally paid for 53 different mammograms to honor his mother. Williams asked the League if he could continue to wear pink cleats the whole year to possibly save more lives and keep the spirit of his mother alive. The NFL, of course, said “Fuck you.”

The NFL claimed it would violate uniform codes, where they don’t make a ton of money off of it. And besides, DeAngelo, your Mom’s dead now, get back out on the field and keep that smart brain of yours in tact. The NFL is simply amazing. It’s beyond them not caring how they look at this point, they really want to see how far they can take this evil thing.

Pretty far, it seems, because we’re back for another round of Bottom Line Bombs. As always, they are for tobacco use only….

 

 

Detroit -3 vs. Chicago:

Jay Cutler never stops coming up with different ways for people to hate him. He embraced this talent early on and has parlayed it into what seems like an endless career of quarterback trolling. I’m well documented on my love of Cutler’s indifference of his erratic play. That is why this season, I believe, is Cutler’s finest work.

For years, people could not comprehend that someone with such great physical skills could also be a mediocre quarterback. Cutler did. He knows he isn’t great and never will be, so if the Bears want to keep giving him contracts and pinning their dreams on his slumped shoulders… hey that ain’t his fault.

This year was finally going to be different. Everyone was finally on board with the belief that Jay Cutler sucks. Cutler would do his usual complaining to refs after getting hit late, demanding a flag that is usually automatic for NFL quarterbacks. Referees would just reply with a simple, “Fuck You Jay. Nobody likes you. Nobody.” Jay knew that this year he was going to have his work cut out for him if he wanted to continue his hilarious mediocre apathy.

Some people just want to shrug and watch the world burn
Some people just want to shrug and watch the world burn

In September, the Bears looked like the worst team in the League, and destined for the #1 overall draft pick. It was actually a hopeful time in Chicago. Finally, they can put the terrible Cutler era behind them and start a new with that tall glass of sunshine, Jared Goff. The Cal Berkeley QB will be the #1 draft pick next year and even has Aaron Rodgers’ seal of approval as the next greatest thing in football. You didn’t think Cutler was going to let that shit happen, did you?

Jay Cutler would be damned if, after all these years of hard non-work, that Bears fans would finally be happy with losing without him. So two weeks ago, Jay began his ultimate troll job. Cutler came back from injury to lead the Bears to a come from behind win over Oakland. Sure, they had to come from behind because of his earlier vintage interceptions.  But this new false hero thing was going to take some work.

Beating the Raiders was still only received with minor indifference from the fan base, since they are only the Raiders. Jay was going have to crank it up a notch. He followed it with another come from behind improbable win in Kansas City. Now he’s got them. The NFL and Bears fans are right back to believing that maybe Cutler is good, and this season can be saved after all, by spunky Jay!

This Sunday is when Cutler will make his big Banksy of a reveal and pull off his ultimate troll by losing to the winless Lions. It’s going to be great. The Bears biggest villain leaves town with one last shot to their morale, and leave the team with another go nowhere 5 win season and no real future.  Ask him if he cares.

 

DETBottom Line: Detroit -3
3 Bombs!!!

 

Tennessee -1.5 vs. Miami: 

On the opposite side of not caring is the new coaching staff for the Miami Dolphins. One of my favorite things is when a team underperforms, and a frustrated rich owner fires the entire coaching staff because the team doesn’t show enough “fire in their belly”.

The Dolphins hired ex-player Dan Campbell to toughen up the team and give them some real meativation. At his first press conference, Campbell looked like the best man at an MMA wedding, with his neck veins actually wrapping around his tie. Coach Dan freely admitted that he really knows nothing about play calling, but he will install “attitude”. Great Dan.

One would think he’d try to surround himself with a bunch of veteran assistants that could help him with the whole ‘learning to coach a professional football game thing’. So his first hire was a new defensive coordinator, Lou Anarumo. What’s his experience you ask, media?

 Oh, he only was the defensive coordinator for the U.S. Merchant Marine Academy in 1994, you pen pushing pansies! Last I checked, the Marines had the best God damned defense on this here marble called Earth! They don’t even have a damn football team, but this son of a bitch spit enough chewed up iron in their faces that they had to hire him to run their defense!

Okay Dan, we’re sorry. So, uh, what’s practice going to be like? Glad you pussies asked.

First thing I'm doing as Coach, is shrinking all the helmets so the players can think harder
First thing I’m doing as Coach, is shrinking all the helmets so the players can think harder

Campbell spent the entire bye week making his players do extremely violent and flat out dangerous practice drills. The kind of exercises that have nicknames like “Oklahoma Drills”, “The Gauntlet”, and “The Kidney Killer”. These drills aren’t exactly ideal in 2015 when each player is basically a walking personal corporation. But Coach Dan is going to shake things up.

After Campbell ran out of ways to make professional gladiators speed up the death process, he applied some motivation techniques he learned from a Bill Parcells TED talk video. This included switching everyone’s lockers so they are grouped by position and can work up a good hatred towards each other, and eating lunch in full pads probably.

Unfortunately for the Dolphins, their problem isn’t Ndamukong Suh not being violent enough, it’s that their QB is a former WR named Ryan Tannehill. As much as I want this archaic coaching technique to work, especially after Campbell admitted that “thinking of Sunday, makes him want to throw up”,  he might be slightly in over his meathead on this job.

 

TENBottom Line: Tennessee -1
3  Bombs!!!

 

 

Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: Baltimore -2 @ San Francisco:

Sticking with the motivation theme, one of the most overused forms of it in football is the “revenge game”.   This is a story line during the week to hype up a game when one a player is going up against its old team for the first time. They are going to get revenge on them and prove that they should’ve never let them go. The other games, they are just phoning it in I guess, and stealing money from their new team.

People think the Patriots are going to run up the score against the Colts to get revenge for “deflategate”. That might be true, but it won’t be because of revenge. The Patriots will run up the score because they are assholes. It’s what they do to everyone.

Baltimore and San Francisco are two terrible teams that badly need any kind of win right now. But this week will be sweeter, because vengeance is on the line! There’s the basic revenge angle of ex Raven WRs, Anquan Boldin and Torrey Smith, who now play for the Niners. Even the absurd revenge take of payback for the Super Bowl a couple years ago, when the power went out. Electrician revenge!!

Both of those revenge angles won’t be taken seriously, because the parties involved are not dumb. Boldin and Smith know the business of the NFL, and are probably happy that they got an even bigger contract from a new team. No, the people that take revenge as motivation are usually petty assholes, like the Harbaughs.

Isn't anyone going to interview us? They know we're brothers, right?
Isn’t anyone going to interview us? They know we’re brothers, right?

Jim Harbaugh was the highly successful coach of the 49ers for the last four years, until he was unceremoniously fired because he was such an unreasonable prick. Niner ownership decided they would rather not sniff a Super Bowl than have to put up Harbaugh’s shirt-tucked-in cokehead intensity around the office for another year. Enter his brother, John Harbaugh.

John Harbaugh is the coach of the Ravens, and comes to town vowing revenge to restore honor in the most unbearable family in football. We are actually lucky that SF decided to foolishly fire Jim, otherwise we’d have to suffer through a week of Cain vs. Abel asshole coaching stories. The intensity, the rivalry, the love… football!!! It was the worst.

Like most great football coaches, the brothers Harbaugh are completely humorless. John will insist that this is another “business trip” and he won’t even call his brother in Michigan to get an inside edge. Although, I’m not sure what Jim could even tell him about his old team,

“Yea, you know their Quarterback, Kaepernick? #7 I think? Make him throw a forward pass. That’s his weakness. I think the rest of their players all got arrested, so you should be fine.”

Ultimately, it will be the players from both teams that get the revenge, by continuing to play terrible football and get paid handsomely for it. But fine, if it makes Thanksgiving dinner more tolerable in your joyless house, John, we’ll avenge the Ravens to their 2nd win of the year!

 

BALIrish Car Bomb Game of the Week: Baltimore -2
5 Revenge Bombs!!!!!

 

 

Last Week :  0-1-1  ( -3 Bombs )

Game of the Week:  2-1-1  ( +5 Bombs )

Year to Date:   4-6-1  ( -3 Bombs )

 

 

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CJ Sullivan
CJ Sullivan has been a staple in the Los Angeles and Chicago comedy scene for many years. CJ has been on Comedy Central and performs in numerous comedy clubs across the country. His writing credentials include projects for A&E network, Comedy Central, Robert Smigel, and XM/Sirius radio. Sullivan, also a World Series of Poker winning professional poker player, garnered the #1 comedy album spot on iTunes for his newly released stand up comedy album “What am I Complaining About?”.

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