Antonio Gates arrives fashionably late to the 2015 NFL season. (Photo Credit: Ed Szczepanski - USA TODAY Sports)

One would think that NFL players would get by now that unless it makes them money, the League doesn’t give a shit about their personal tragedies. Last week they told DeAngelo Williams, that while they were sad his Mom died and ruined their Cancer Awareness commercial campaign, he certainly couldn’t continue to wear his charity cleats and cover up the League sponsored Nike logos. Silly football player.

This week another Steeler got disciplined for believing that somewhere working in the corporate offices of the NFL, were some actual human beings. Silly football player. Cam Heyward is the son of former NFL star, Craig “Iron Head” Heyward. Iron Head suffered through painful skull injuries and eventually succumbed to cancer at the age of 39.

Sorry Cam, but we have sponsors from a Black Sabbath cover band that might get angry at your message
Sorry Cam, but we have sponsors from a Black Sabbath cover band that might get angry at your message

Cam thought he could keep the spirit of his father alive and raise more awareness to help cure this cancer by writing the simple words of “Iron Head” on the small strips of eye black players wear under their eyes on game days. I mean, that seems reasonable enough, right?  Silly football player.

Yea, the League fined Cam $11K for continuing to wear “personal” messages on his eye black that didn’t coincide with them making money. The League’s reasoning is that if they allow one player to write something, they would have to let everyone do it. Which is sound reasoning one gives to a 2nd grader to not chew gum in class, not so much your millionaire employees.

Listen, I get the NFL is paid a lot of money by fat cat sponsors, and they don’t want individuals politics or logos conflicting with that. But do they really think linebackers are going to start writing “Vote for Bernie Sanders” underneath their eyes?

They can regulate it, like they do every other possible fragment of the game. Have players submit their desired saying during the week, and let one of your retired prosecutors you have on the payroll approve it or not. Is the NFL worried that these professional athletes would try to trick them with fake causes like Bart Simpson prank calls?  Fight Mike Hunt’s Disease,  or RIP Hugh Gofokkerself.  

Don’t worry though, the NFL mafia and Cam Heyward were able to reach a fair compromise.  Heyward was basically forced to write a hostage note saying everything is okay, he no longer will write his Dad’s name, and just wear regular eye black to raise awareness for sun glare.

He did get to set up a separate charity where people can order custom made eye black? I don’t know, seemed confusing. It’s probably working out the kinks until the NFL can muscle in and pocket half of the revenue…for awareness. I’m sure Cam is real happy with that compromise. He doesn’t get the platform of millions of people watching him play football, but he does get a link to a Tumblr page if you scroll down far enough.

As a matter of fact, in honor of my parents who were both lost to cancer, I’m going to order my “Bottom Line Bomb” eye strips because I’m sure they’d be real proud that it would bring zero awareness that their son writes a gambling blog… or my record.

Now on to the bombs….and as always, they are for tobacco use only…

 

Miami -4 vs. Houston:
Last week, we went over the military tactics new Dolphins coach Dan Campbell implemented before his first game. Although I was fan of him saying his style was making his players going back to “being primates again”, it was solely for comedic reasons. I did not have too much faith in what that would mean as far as an advanced game plan would go. Silly football handicapper.

The Dolphins responded to his high school motivation by slaughtering Tennessee 38-10. I grossly underestimated how far bullying can go when playing against other dumb bullies. The strategy worked perfectly, mainly because the Titan’s coach, Ken Whisenhunt, is even dumber. How bad is Whisenhunt as a coach? Try 4-29 in his last 33 games bad. That almost seems impossible, but it’s true.

Next, I'm gonna teach the guys how to ace Poetry class by using Metallica lyrics
Next, I’m gonna teach the guys how to ace Poetry class by using Metallica lyrics

Whisenhunt and coaches like him got their jobs from being previously associated with other great coaches and players. They were considered smart assistants on championship teams they had little to do with. Basically, they are the friends with the one actual cool kid in school.

Dan Campbell is the mysterious new kid in high school who transferred in from 3 towns over. He wears Doc Marten’s and a leather jacket, rumor has it that he punched a teacher at his old school and got expelled. He listens to Metallica… but only Metallica. (That last one actually wasn’t a joke, his real nickname was Dantallica.)

This week, Dantallica gets to keep his mystique after knocking out one of the fake bullies in the cafeteria, “3 o’clock High” style. His opponent on Sunday, Texan’s coach Bill O’Brien, has his spot at the cool table because he was friends with Tom Brady once. Dantallica has prepared his team for the parking lot brawl by having them practice in black jerseys and allowing them to throwing stars in their belt buckles.

Eventually, the rest of the school is going to find out that Campbell really only transferred in because his parents got divorced, and his Mom found a new job in the area. But this week, man, he’s totally the bad ass that can buy liquor without being carded.

 

MIABottom Line: Miami -4
3 Bombs!!!

 

 

 

Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: San Diego -3.5 vs. Oakland :
Antonio Gates is a living legend in San Diego. The future Hall of Fame tight end is famous for creating the trend of basketball players switching over to football. He went from being undrafted in 2003 to being the all time Chargers leader in receptions, rec. yards, and rec. touchdowns. Amazingly, last year he had possibly his greatest season yet at the age of 34. He could have had a near perfect career if he decided to walk away right then, but he had funnier plans.

It turns out that the reason why he was able to beat father time last year was because his fountain of youth was heavily spiked with steroids. Gates was suspended for the first four games of this season for getting caught using PEDs. The announcement came as a shock last July.

The entire league responded with a collective, “What? Why now? Your career is basically over.” It was like when you heard the news Hunter S. Thompson committed suicide at the age of 67. Like dude, you’re almost there, what are you doing?

I know nobody can understand the mind of a person who dies by suicide, but Hunter come on man. What, did you think you were going to make it to 90? You’re Hunter S. Fucking Thompson. You were not going to last that much longer to begin with, ride it out and see the next couple of Superbowl winners while scraping up whatever mescalin you got lying in the sock drawer.

I swear, if I ever look like Bob Dylan I'm gonna kill myself
I swear, if I ever look like Bob Dylan I’m gonna kill myself

The old person doing drugs for the first time falls into a couple of different categories. There’s the Barry Bonds kind, where you do steroids late in life not to keep up, but because you’re pissed at watching less talented players like Sosa and McGwire waste the drugs great potential. That’s a possibility for Gates, but I don’t think it’s true. I doubt he cares if that drug mule Gronkowski is tearing up the League one foam party after the next.

The second category is if that person is just flat out lying. A great time this happened was with Texas Ranger’s manager, Ron Washington in 2010. Washington was a baseball lifer got his long overdue shot at a head manager job at the age of 58.

After almost winning the World Series, Washington tested positive for cocaine. Why they test managers, I have no idea. But I’m glad they did, because it gave us the hilarious excuse from Ron that it was his first time he ever tried it. Really? At the age of 60? After being a baseball player in the 70s and 80s clean as a whistle, now you decide to see what the hubbub is about? The answer was so great, they didn’t even fire him. God bless you, Ron Washington.

Now, Gates never denied the positive results, or blame it on a prescription drug, so that reason is out. I don’t think PEDs were on his athletic “bucket list” to see if it would make him an even more amazing player like Bonds.

Come on Phillip, you know where I can score some of that good stuff. All Phillips do.
Come on Phillip, you know where I can score some of that good stuff. All Phillips do.

The only reason that Gates would take steroids at this point that makes sense, is that he just didn’t want to play the first 4 games of the season. Veterans know how meaningless the first part of the season is, and that you’re only remembered for what you do in the playoffs.

Since Gates knew a DUI would barely raise an eyebrow, and beating up a woman might get you 2 games if there’s no video, his only option to take September off was to ride the Canseco dragon. And it worked!

Antonio Gates has been tearing it up since he got off suspension, looking like the All Pro that he is. After almost beating the Packers last week, the Chargers come home to play their old rival, the Oakland Raiders. A team you can beat, that’s just a burnt out as you are, and definitely won’t judge you for what drugs you take, no matter the age. What a long, strange trip it’s been, indeed. Even if it did just start this summer.

 

SD6bombsIrish Car Bomb Detonation Game of the Week: San Diego -3.5
6 Bombs!!!!!!

 

 

 

Last Week:  0-2-1  ( – 8 Bombs )

Game of the Week:  2-2-1  (  0 Bombs )

Year to Date:  4-8-2   ( -11 Bombs )

 

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CJ Sullivan
CJ Sullivan has been a staple in the Los Angeles and Chicago comedy scene for many years. CJ has been on Comedy Central and performs in numerous comedy clubs across the country. His writing credentials include projects for A&E network, Comedy Central, Robert Smigel, and XM/Sirius radio. Sullivan, also a World Series of Poker winning professional poker player, garnered the #1 comedy album spot on iTunes for his newly released stand up comedy album “What am I Complaining About?”.

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