It’s Halloween weekend, so there’s no need to start this article off by pointing out how awful the NFL is by fining players for honoring their deceased parents. Even though they did it again.
No, now is a time where everyone comes together to shame people’s racist and slutty costumes at parties we were never invited to in the first place. It’s a time of the year in my article where I deviate from the plot. Like the movie “Halloween 3”. The best horror movie of all time.
“Halloween 3” was great, because of the audacity of the studio for making it. They took a trusted franchise, and removed everything from it that audiences enjoyed. No Michael Myers, no Dr. Loomis, not even the creepy high pitched piano theme music.
It was just a rogue script about actual masks, and how they were evil. Hilarious. There’s nothing wrong with making a mediocre horror movie with an absurd plot, but to slap the “Halloween” title on it to trick audiences to see it is amazing.
Audiences were obviously furious. So much so, that the fourth film was literally called, “Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, relax everybody… Seriously he’s back, they are all back, it will be nothing but murders from Myers, exactly what you like… listen we had a script and we ran with it, don’t worry we got 25 more fucking movies coming your way with this zero personality mass murderer… Okay? He will never die and never leave you” ( Rated R )
So, grab your eggs, and put all of your UNICEF milk box pennies on this week’s Bottom Line Bombs….for tobacco use only
Pittsburgh PK vs. Cincinnati:
QB Ben Roethlisberger returns to the Steelers this week just in time to face the undefeated Bengals. Everything about Big Ben is creepy, and not just his ‘oh by the way’ two separate rape charges he avoided a few years ago.
Big Ben is the single guy on the block during Halloween, you’re just not too sure about. You have to let the kids Trick or Treat there, because they like him, and he’s got the full size candy bars. But there better be a parent there to keep an eye on the situation.
Ben’s costume consists of a half worn mask the that he never pulls down, an open bathrobe and athletic shorts. He opens the door and makes the kids come inside to get their Snickers. Forcing them to tell the origin of their costumes and the reason why every kid chose to be a stupid Minion.
Nothing inappropriate is technically going on, it’s just an uneasy feeling. Ben is just weird. There’s an unnecessary amount of security cameras on his property, random people are coming in and out of the house during the week. Just odd.
The best thing to do, is to smile from the sidewalk, watch the kids get interrogated for candy, and keep your phone dialed on *9-1- in your pocket the whole time.
Seattle – 5 @ Dallas:
The Dallas Cowboys host the high school Halloween party every year. It’s the one you hear about all through Junior High, when you are too old to trick or treat and too young to do anything cool. You’ve heard stories about how great it’s going to be, that the fun Dad, Jerry Jones, lets all of the cool kids drink alcohol.
Jones’ boys have been spoiled trouble makers at the school for decades now. It started with the troubled oldest son, Michael Irvin, and it continues to the newest hell raiser, Greg Hardy. The Jones boys continue to fight, drink and get arrested, only for ‘Ol Jerry to bail them out and get a favor from the judge. There’s never any punishment, as it’s just Jerry’s boys being Jerry’s boys.
Every once in a while, however, word gets out about these kind of parties, and real trouble shows up from 2 towns over. Seattle is that trouble. Some girl is dating a Seahawk and lets him and his asshole friends in to the party.
Seattle are the ones barely dressed in a costume, and it almost seems like 5 of them are sharing one outfit. One dude has a cape on for no reason, the other some shoddy red makeup that’s supposed to be blood. The other guys just drew some devil signs on their tee shirt with a Sharpie. They are here to drink.
Some time in between cool Dad Jerry, inappropriately flirting with high school girls and older burnout brother Michael Irvin making a beer run for everybody, the Seahawk crew starts some shit. Next thing you know, whiskey is spilled on the pool table, fake blood turns into real blood, and jewelry is missing from the locked off bedroom.
Jerry’s party is not to be missed, or ever attended again.
Irish Car Bomb Detonation Spooktacular Selection of the Week: Denver +3 vs. Green Bay:
The Manning Halloween party is the one you graduate to once your firmly in your adulthood. It is very much in control, festive, and extremely dull. All of the neighborhood parents go to the Mannings every year, because they know they will be judged harshly if they don’t.
Peyton and his wife start looking forward to this right around April. He half jokes with the other Dads during summer BBQ’s “Hey, you know what you’re gonna be for Halloween yet?” Well, to be honest, I haven’t quite thou— “Because me and Ashley got something planned, that’s gonna be HUGE!” Oh, yeah? That sounds great Peyton, yea it will be fun I’m sure.
So, we all do our neighborly duty and show up to the Mannings for fun rounds of apple bobbing and discussing Mutual funds while in a Dracula costume. Mr. and Mrs. Manning, of course, are fully decked out in some Game of Thrones attire just so they can remind you what big fans of the books they already were.
This year, though, there’s a hint of excitement to the dull Manning party, and it’s the Rodgers. Aaron and Olivia Rodgers are the hot new young couple on the block, and they showed up looking for fun. They just moved here from the city, because Aaron had a huge job opportunity. Olivia is not happy about it, but they’re going to give it a go. Luckily, she remembered to bring her real Valium with her fake nurse’s outfit.
A lot of people think Peyton’s career is over because “father time remains undefeated”. That might be true, but so is the fact that nobody can overcome the initial fear and terror of first settling into suburban life. Peyton’s been in this backyard for a while now, he’s comfortable here. He’s got plenty of room in his 3 car garage for another trophy. Rodgers is going to find out the scariest thing of all this Halloween night… Dull Suburban Dads
Last Week : 1-1 (-3 bombs )
Game of the Week: 2-3-1 (-5 Bombs )
Year to Date: 5-9-2 ( -14 Bombs )