Welcome back, Raiders (Photo Credit: Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

I am writing the Bombs this week. I hate me writing the Bombs, I like me reading the Bombs. I’ll do it so I never get asked again. The opening part is a dead on take on something or someone awful in NFL related at the moment. Like the Fan Duels one, that was great. We won’t be doing that. Nothing current at all, thank you very much. I’ll edit this later, the main thing is to get words down first. Have there been a lot of injuries this year? Yes I think so. How does it compare to anything before it? We don’t know exactly. Just seems like a lot. Right? Injuries might be a good topic, but I’ll have to polish those sentences up later. Maybe a take on how the NFL is evil, because of the frequency and severity of these injuries. Yes.

I love the Raiders. They have always been my favorite team. The Raiders at Pittsburgh at noon is all that matters this weekend. I read someone’s blog (a pro-Raider, humor blog) that ripped Pittsburgh to bits. Their rapist QB and dog fighting QB, the shittiness of their city, except for a line or two it was hilarious. I should definitely make that game a bomb this week. I will.

By the way, I love CJ’s Bombs, and usually, especially the intro. That hooks you and it’s often times weaved through the actual bombs, but in an organic, not callback-ish way. Maybe I should text CJ, just to get a relevant current subject, then start over with that idea. I could go on about the murder conviction of former Raider DE Anthony Smith (he also possessed the book “Kill Without Joy”). That’s a good story. Maybe next time, this is enough work. Yer getting’ a Shemp regardless.

Anyone, these are for tobacco use. Like how they say about obvious marijuana paraphernalia, lol.

Bottom Line Bomb of the Week: Raiders +5.5 at Steelers.
The Raiders have played very well these last 2 weeks. They are a top 10 NFL offense statistically and the defense has improved. It is now #2 vs the run. The biggest factor I see here isn’t Bell being out, because his backup is as good minus the pass blocking. The biggest factor with Pittsburgh is always playing at home. On the same side of the coin, Derek Carr has played much worse on the road, going back to Fresno.

This kind of horseshit is why the Raiders are getting 5.5 points. The Raiders are better, way better, and this is their final obstacle (playing good team on the road) to shutting your goddamn mouths about the Raiders not being a good team this year. The Raiders are either winning outright or losing by 4 or less. Case closed. That offensive line will punch their lights at out, by land and air. Ben will dink and dunk and convert…I don’t know, 6 first downs, but not enough. Not enough rapist bro. You are being put in your place here by a higher truth. Pittsburgh is injury riddled. Look it up yourself. Decimated. The Raiders momentum overwhelms a cursed 2015 team trying to right itself, purely primed to shit their pants at home. The game is at noon in my CST home. I’ve been drinking just to pass out to wile the time away. If the Raiders lose don’t think for a minute I’ll care about your gambling loss. Your pain will be my lifeblood. I will hate everyone, past present future, forever and I will drug myself until Monday morning, where I will sleepwalk in hate and pain for at least a hard two days. I will imagine how the good Lord hates you and does not and will not forgive your sins. I will turn off the Red Zone while this game is on, which I imagine will make me calmer and therefore less likely for the Raiders to panic. The ball hit the fucking ground on the Immaculate Reception. I won’t go to that blog I mentioned earlier and look for material, but I do remember he wrote that the Heinz field founder was a historical jerk off. I’ve never been to Pittsburgh, but it seems hard to believe the city is a going concern. What do they do now and why are people still there? Rhetorical question. The Oakland Raiders have taken the only redeeming value to come from that fake steel city, Rod Woodson, and he is their CB coach.

The Raiders defense is good for the run, but not the pass. I expect a shootout, with the Raiders actually wearing down the PIT team who will fail to establish any run and fade in the fourth. 34-25 Raiders. The win will purify the sin of the world, and make everyone compassionate and right-headed for at least a week. Heinz Field is our church. This pick is for weed use only. Remember last week when Woodson picked off Geno Smith and did the Rayyyyyderrrrrs chant along with the fans on the sidelines? That was so fucking cool. Charles Woodson is our divine Father, Coach, and Co-Worker.

5 Bombs, Oakland.
OAK

 

I don’t give a rats ass about any of the rest of these games. I don’t know and I don’t care. Let me imagine the Raiders lose and try to imagine…no none of it matters after that. Marianne just read about all the threatened drinking above and acted alarmed and harshed my buzz. “Don’t get really strong beer!” Jesus fuck. Ok, wait. IF the Raiders lose, and of course we all want to die but know we won’t and feel no recompense in anything, worldly or otherwise forever and ever…realize this: next week CJ will be writing these Bombs and we will appreciate it as we never have before. Objectively an evil person, but the best friend anyone could ever have if you expect nothing from him. He was born for this. We can look forward to that and start our weekend hopes and dreams afresh. So let me just pick one…ok, one that jumps out at me is the 49ers getting 4 at home vs ATL. The public money is hammering Atlanta. Of course. The 9ers should get no home field advantage – they are feeble and gimped and don’t care. Atlanta has dangerous weapons, and their defense doesn’t matter against such a shitty offense in transition. Kapernick is benched. Hyde is hurt. I get it public, but I don’t believe in your money.

 

3 bombs for the 49ers to cover because of that, and me not being able to imagine any way the 49ers cover.
SF

Last and final game. Then CJ back next week. Do you think he also picks out the pictures and little sayings underneath the pictures? Probably right? Pictures and so forth would definitely be nice to dress up this homely attempt.

I asked him what games should I write about and he said CAR/GB or PHI/DAL. He said they write themselves. That means nothing to me. Well, I mean Greg Hardy, but wasn’t that discussed in last weeks Bombs? I think I remember the picture. Let’s go Carolina and Green Bay. Two top 10 defenses. Steve Smith Sr. out for the year. Green Bay shocked and on the road again after getting humiliated in Denver.

Carolina is getting 2.5 at home, so this is more or less a pick em. The public money is 72% Green Bay. So we consider that. And we consider that GB is likely to be without their starting cornerbacks and have been gashed against the pass these last two games. And the Broncos offense was ranked 32nd going into the Green Bay game before they scored 55 points and had 720 yards.

The Panthers are 7-0, at home and so close to 8-0 which is like 12 times sexier. Green Bay also has the post-Halloween curse, where they’ve never, ever covered a game after the holiday. Do you see that this arrow is only pointing in one direction? Let’s step back a moment of two and imagine a sport’s bar silent table of Green Bay fans after a loss. They are the most enjoyable fans to watch suffer, so homely, white, and quiet.

Lord give us the strength for reckless schadenfreude as the blood vessels stay stuck constricted, as we hate sleep, as we make it through this coming Wednesday one more time (if PIT wins). Enjoy your miracle fantasy loss and season ending injuries and gambling ads and meatheads yelling yelling yelling in your ear tomorrow. You don’t deserve anything you get.

2 Bombs CAR, or 3 if that’s the minimum.
CAR2bombs

 

1 Bomb PHI, because Greg Hardy.
PHI1bomb

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CJ Sullivan
CJ Sullivan has been a staple in the Los Angeles and Chicago comedy scene for many years. CJ has been on Comedy Central and performs in numerous comedy clubs across the country. His writing credentials include projects for A&E network, Comedy Central, Robert Smigel, and XM/Sirius radio. Sullivan, also a World Series of Poker winning professional poker player, garnered the #1 comedy album spot on iTunes for his newly released stand up comedy album “What am I Complaining About?”.

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