Last week’s Bottom Line Bombs were written by guest author Brian Potrafka. If you didn’t have a chance to read them, I suggest you do here. They are hilarious and accurate in a way that only his talent can deliver. Give him a follow on Twitter too, for his brand of violent comedy @BrianPotrafka, you can even buy some of his amazing published books.
Over the years of writing this column, I have received plenty of feedback both positive and negative. I know several other talented and hysterical like minded writers and performers who offer their help with guest entries. I enjoy giving these people platforms. I find it as an answer to regular fan’s complaints about their teams, and why they think I might be picking on them.
The number one team that I get the most criticism for hating on by far, is the Cleveland Browns. I can’t help it. They just demand the exposure of the way they seem to revel in losing. They are the true masters of it.
So instead of doing a lame, “readers mailbox” segment where I answer questions from people. I am again going to allow this weeks Bombs be written by another guest celebrity poster. His name is Brian McGannon, a hilarious former comic and long time suffering Browns fan.
Hopefully his eternal combination of dread and optimism that defines Browns fans in this Bottom Line Bomb can answer all of the readers questions in why Cleveland is so fun to hate on. So enjoy these grammatical mistakes by the lake rendition of tobacco use only picks….
Cleveland +6 @ Pittsburgh:
ITS RIVALRY WEEK (3 echoes)!!!
Throw out the records this week folks because they simply do not matter when it’s RIVALRY WEEK (3 echoes). X’s and O’s vanish when two age old enemies once again look eye to eye and lock horns.
Familiarity trumps talent and history begets skill when these two intra-division enemies line it up twice a year. Point spreads and probabilities vanish in blood feuds such as this; sports’ most fabled, glorious, and hallowed of all grudges. Of course I’m not talking about the Cleveland Browns vs. Pittsburgh Steelers, I’m talking about the Cleveland Browns vs God and the Universe. For no franchise is more hated and despised by God the creator than Cleveland’s own Browns football franchise. People are often scolded and laughed at when they summon God for a certain sports outcome with logic such as “God has better things to do then worry about whether Gary Gaetti gets on base or not,“ and this is true, he certainly does; particularly with all the child murders, war and disease in the world. However, when the Browns line it up each and every Sunday you can be certain God is watching with fevered hatred. Millions die every Sunday solely because God (for whatever reason) is masterfully arranging then re-arranging time and space to create his beautiful masterpieces of failure and come from behind losses that Cleveland fans have affectionately renamed “life.” Some of his greatest known hits are “The Drive” and “The Fumble,” the Franchise leaving in 1995, or worst of all — the franchise coming back in 1999.
However, God’s hatred also lies in the improbable subtleties; such as losing all five centers on a roster before the start of training camp, or Kellen Winslow incinerating both knees reenacting a DMX video, OR blowing 6 first round picks in three years. Its mathematically impossible to blow 6 consecutive first round picks; with all the scouting, investigative work, years of film at every angle, it just cant happen.
Sure, one bust here or there, but 6 in a row!?!!! That’s alllllll God. Take a peek…
2011: 21st overall Phil Taylor (traded for the rights of Julio Jones, genius move. He’s since been laughed out of the league)
2012: 3rd overall Trent Richardson (The pick used in the Julio Jones trade. The Johnny Football of running backs, laughed out of the league)
2012: 22nd overall Brandon Weeden (44 year old rookie, former AA reliever; current 12th string qb with the Cowboys in the process of being laughed out of the league)
2013: 6th overall Barkevious Mingo (his name was on an episode of Key and Peele for being absurd. 6’3 145 lbs linebacker; laughably terrible)
2014: 8th overall Justin Gilbert (nowhere near starting, hilariously terrible; just got yanked from the kickoff return team)
2014: 22nd overall Johnny Manziel (this pick gained from trading Trent Richardson to the Colts. They have already prepared his bust to be inducted into the bust hall of fame)
This just doesn’t happen in professional sports. It would be easier to win the lottery 30 times in a row.
To watch the Browns is to watch a statistical anomaly happen again and again; events that could only be explained by one thing, an other-worldly influence, God the creator. But it just keeps getting better, the newest skit will be coming next year with recent rumors of former Browns star Bernie Kosar jockeying for a spot in the front office. I leave you with this punch line…
Now down to the tacks of brass. Bookies and prognosticators are likely looking at the quarterback situation for both teams when setting the line for this “game.” Is it Big Ben or Landry Jones? Will it be Johnny Football or the NFL’s official stunt double Josh McCown? These are important issues certainly when dealing with actual professional sports franchises, however when you dabble in the fuck circus that is The Cleveland Browns, logic is a red herring that will lead you down the road of pain and misery.
But whatever. The Steelers are hinting that Roethlisberger is not yet ruled out for Sundays game and still “might play,” this after getting his foot wood-chipped by the metal spikes of a 300lb d-lineman 5 days ago. I’m sure he’ll play, you need all the weapons you can get when going against statistically the worst defense in the national football league (when you spell it out it has more weight than just saying NFL).
Actually, he may play; they probably don’t want to get Landry Jones hurt for this November/Dec stretch until Ben is 100%. They can put Roethlisberger in, cast and all, and know he’ll likely throw for 450 (qb percentage). Alas, the Steelers aren’t the only ones playing coy with their QB situation, no no. The Browns are hemming and hawing as well keeping the Steelers on their toes having to game plan both for Josh McCown AND Johnny Manziel, whoa!!!. Genius tactics at play here; choosing between those two quarterbacks is like choosing whether to get kicked in one ball or both balls. Browns coach Mike Pettine announced that if healthy, McCown will play; much to his chagrin as he has tried to commit suicide in each game he’s played in this year. Diving spinal column first into every tackler or potential tackler he’s encountered. It was rumored that McCown marched into owner Jimmy Haslam’s office week four asking “what’s with all this starting bullshit.” He assumed that former Heisman winner Manziel could at least be average, at the very least start by now. Unfortunately for him Manziel wants less to do with playing then he does. Evidenced by recent photos surfacing of him carousing with co-eds at a Texas Tech bar this past weekend drinking (what a fucking tool, two days off and you fly back to your glory hole for penny pitchers with your old college bros). Two weeks after smashing his piss-drunk girlfriends face into a car window, mere months after completing three months in rehab, after having the most laughable pathetic rookie year ever enjoyed by a professional athlete. So debating Manziel or McCown is debating whether the Browns will lose ridiculously or hilariously…Having said all that; there is no way the Browns lose this game. Getting 4.5, I’m putting everything I own on them Brownies (which is about $320.00). In order to stay pathetic the Browns never fail at winning a game they have no business or right to win, to ensure blowing a franchise changing draft pick. If you do anything this weekend wager your life on the Cleveland Browns; if for no other reason you can tell people that you have wagered your life on The Browns.
Last Week: 4-0 ( +11 Bombs)
Game of the Week: 4-3-1 ( +5 Bombs )
Year to Date: 10-11-2 ( – 4 Bombs )