The third and final installment of the guest celebrity series of Bottom Line Bombs is given to us by comic Bill Cruz. He is hilarious and very passionate about the looks of his quarterbacks.
Denver +1.5 @ Chicago:
So Peyton Manning finally put his foot down and broke the Most Passing Yards Record (eat it Farve) only to be benched after 4 INTs against the Chiefs. Turns out he has multiple injuries and probably needs more stem cells or new Fiat parts to be able to play football, if ever, again. Thus begins the Brock Osweiler Era!
What you need to know about Brock Osweiler: Brock Osweiler (pronounced “Not Tim Tebow”) is the 6’8” 240lb son that Tom Brady and Gisele wish they had sired. Originally from Montana, he was the kind of kid who, if you were his friend, you had to purposely not leave him alone with your underssexed Step Mom who still does pilates. To say he is good looking is like saying Ben Roethlisberger is a playful lover or Aaron Rodgers is heteroflexible; this man is a GOD! He towers over the line of scrimmage able to see what a defense is bringing, has a cannon of an arm able to launch a football like a wonder nerd’s potato gun, and thighs that might have saved Jimmy the Greeks career.
He has an awesome name: BROCK! He joins the pantheon of awesome Brocks, like Brock Lesnar (WWE), Brock Holt (MLB), and Kelly Lebrock (Weird Science). His name immediately lends itself to awesome nicknames that will soon be bestowed upon him by sports commentators: Brock “The Rock”, Brock “The Jock”, Brock N Roll, and my personal favorite Brock “the Cock” Osweiler! And his soon to be legions of fans will be dubbed “Denver BrockO’s,” so get your shirts NOW!
As a kid he played both Basketball and Football, but focused on Football, ultimately being honored with Gatorade Player of the Year as a senior in high school. I don’t know what the Gatorade Player of the Year is either, but it’s awesome. He then passed on playing Bball at Gonzaga, then passed on football scholarships to Stanford and Washington State, going with America’s Safety School, Arizona State, cause that’s where all the pussys at (so I’ve been told).
He’s now married (what evs) to his long time sweetheart Erin Osweiler, who obviously needs to change her name to Erin Brockovich. The untested, 2nd Round Pick, Manning back up, gladiator heads into Chicago to face Bronco rejects Jay Cutler and John Fox. Cutler is coming off a huge win (in Bear’s terms) against the Rams, and Fox is coming off another cardiac check up against Father Time. The Bears are in a tight race for 3rd place in the NFC North, while Denver sits comfortably atop the AFC West. With the Bengals dropping out of the undefeated column, this game should let us know if Denver has a shot at fighting for a Playoff Bye before the Patriots head to the Brocky Mountains next week.
What is favorable for Denver:
• They still have the best Defense in the NFL
• Huge weapons in Emmanuel Sanders, and Demaryius Thomas
• An Offensive scheme head coach Gary Kubiak has been dying to trot out since week 1
• And a healthy, 2016 Sexiest Man Alive, QB under Center
Yes, there will be some growing pains like one or two INTs, and we’ll see if Denver’s running game can produce more than 100 yards, but ultimately the game rests on one man’s shoulders… Kicker Brandon McManus.
All T, No shade:
Bottom Line: Denver + 1.5