Thanksgiving party at Aaron's house. Who's comin?

Thanksgiving can be tough to balance if one is not prepared. Football, food and family is a great tradition we participate in, that like America, only seems to get bigger. There are now 3 games to distract you from the annoying cousin who wants to remind everyone that the Pilgrims actually slaughtered and stole this land from the Native Americans, and that is what we are celebrating. No shit. We know, now pass the gravy.

There are a lot of highs and lows, and close to blows, anytime alcohol and family are involved. So let’s walk down a full day of Thanksgiving with these 3 Turkey Bombs of NFL games and see if we can get through this together.

As always, these Bombs are for peace pipe tobacco use only….  ( See Mekalia, I care about the Indians)

 

Philadelphia (pick’em)  @ Detroit :
If you are going to have a disaster on Thanksgiving, it is best to get it out of the way early. That is why it’s good we get to stop off at the Eagles/ Lions game early in the day, before these two idiot clowns burn down the kitchen.

The Lions are the perpetual fuck up brother who insists on trying to host Thanksgiving, so they can regain the trust and support of the family. We all know they are a mess for most of the year, but at least they are trying, so we let them have the early shift.  I mean, they’re family… what can you do?

The day starts out well enough, as the Lions look the part. They have a sweater on to cover up the neck tattoos, and even laid out some respectable looking shrimp cocktail appetizers. Calvin Johnson scores a TD on the opening drive, and we think maybe this is the year they finally got their act together.

I got this dinner fam!  Totally thawed!
I got this dinner fam! Totally thawed!

Right before halftime, though, the Lions start to show a few signs of cracking. It’s an hour in, and the idle small talk is getting tedious and repetitive. The Lions sweater is starting to itch, and they made the early switch from beer to whiskey as soon as Dad asked how the car was running for the third time. We’re on shaky ground, and this can go either way. Hang in there Stafford.

The second half is under way, and the Lions have an uneasy look on their face like they need to confess to something….”Guys, we might have to wait just a little on the turkey. Everything is okay, don’t worry, it’s just it might be a little later on, that’s all”.

Why? What happened Detroit? Did you start it late?

Kind of, you can say that. See, I went to go buy it last night..”  

LAST NIGHT?? It’s nothing but frozen birds at that point!! You can’t…

“I know, crazy right? They were all frozen. But it’s totally fine, my buddy the Philadelphia Eagles have been upstairs all morning and brought his girlfriend’s baby tub to defrost it in.”

That’s not going to work you idiot!! It takes like 4 days to defrost those things!

“You never believe in me Dad! Okay, so Thanksgiving isn’t perfect up to your damn standards, but we’re gonna do this! The Eagles have been running a warm hose over it for 2 hours now”.

Great! The Eagles are more of a mess than you, this will work perfect! What money making scam did Chap fool you with this time?

“His name is Chip, Dad, and it’s called the hurry up spread! You wouldn’t understand”

Oh boy. The rest of the 3rd quarter is sat in complete silence, until Mom tries to break the tension. “So are you still seeing Denise… I always liked her”   No, Mom she left me after the bye week as soon as we got back from the London game.

Of course she did, you don’t have a job. “Yes, I do Dad!”   A real job! Not painting a house once every 3 months with your buddy Chepper.  “Ughhh, It’s Chip!”

Now, it’s towards the end of the game, and things clearly aren’t working out. The Eagles have been hanging around all game upstairs, and finally deliver the news, “Yeah, that bird’s frozen dude. The water just made it bop up and down like a giant cork. It was kind of funny, actually.”

In the end, it doesn’t matter, because we never expected the Lions to pull through anyway. Everyone leaves to go to the real Thanksgiving dinner at the Cowboys home. The Lions stay on the couch a blubbering mess, hoping Philly can show a little support and at least let them win on a late FG.

I can't believe they still pay us either!  I couldn't beat Stanford!
I can’t believe they still pay us either! I couldn’t beat Stanford!

The Eagles don’t know what to say, because they don’t really care about anything. “See man, that’s why I stopped talking to my family years ago, because of shit like this. I mean you put on a sweater man, and this the thanks you get? Let me see if my dealer is around, we’ll get high, and I’ll tell you all about the Mark Sanchez read option… It’s a winner!”

 

PHIBottom Line: Eagles  pick ’em
3 Bombs!!!

 

 

Carolina +1  @  Dallas:   
Now this is what we are talking about, Thanksgiving dinner with the Cowboys at Uncle Jones’ house. Sure, it’s a long drive out to some wooded rich area, but you know it’s going to be a show of food and gadgets.

There’s going to be 3 kinds of turkeys, a mile long Tuscan dining table full of sides, and a separate closed off room just for the desserts. Football will always be on the 80″ plasma screen, and Uncle Jerry might even crack out some Johnny Walker Blue for later.

Now, things certainly aren’t perfect at the Cowboys Thanksgiving dinner. It has a whole set of other problems that we have to deal with, but a frozen turkey, ain’t one of them. You always liked your rich Uncle Jerry. He used to let you shoot his guns when you were young, and had impossibly trained Afghan Hound dogs to play with. But he’s a dick.

At Jerry's T-giving Table, we pray to one God, son.  Me!
At Jerry’s T-giving Table, we pray to one God, son. Me!

Uncle Jerry always made your Dad feel bad for not being as successful as him, even though his own family is a mess behind the curtain. As long as the they put up the front of appearance, nothing else matters to them. Sure, his son Greg Hardy might be a domestic abusing scumbag, that’s fine by him… but don’t show up to dinner in your holiday suit, and you’re gonna get cut.

The bigger problem with the Cowboys Thanksgiving is having to hear all of their old money racist Fox News opinions on politics. Usually, it’s not that big of a deal, as we know which battles are worth fighting, and which ones an eye roll and a pride swallow is the better option. Besides, it’s not like your small hometown is throwing you a damn parade this weekend because of your “enlightened” views that are changing the world.

This holiday might get tricky, however, because your political science major sister brought home her boyfriend, Cam Newton. We all love Cam, but we dreaded the day when he was going to have to eventually meet Uncle Jerr, and hear is take on #BlackLivesMatter. This is going to take some aggressive, Panther style defense.

” Now, Cam, lemme ask you this….”

No, Jerry. No. 

” What? I got a legitimate question. Maybe he can help me out in understanding something. He’s a grown man.” 

Because it’s going to be awful. Whatever it is, I guarantee it will be offensive.

Shouldn’t all lives matter? How come Monsignor Reverend Jackson Sharp Jr. doesn’t march the streets of Chicago for all of the murders down there? And why were they protesting that video of the criminal who got shot 16 times? I mean, they indicted the officer for murder. Problem solved, right?”

Dear Lord.

Before you can get the car started, and issue a generation’s worth of apologies, you find out Cam Newton doesn’t need your assistance or guilt. He can handle this on his own, because he’s a damn National Champion from Auburn. He has dealt with casual and formal racism and by better.

Tell me how my TD dance is what's wrong with this country again
Tell me how my TD dance is what’s wrong with this country again

Cam doesn’t need a legit #1 WR to explain that people are upset about all of the murders, but that’s not shown on his TV. Hell, he doesn’t even need a legit running game behind him to explain that society should hold police officers to a higher standard than gang criminals.

All Cam needs to save this Thanksgiving nightmare is a trusty tight end, a top 10 defense, and the knowledge that the Cowboys can’t help but shoot their mouth off and right into their foot. Now, let’s thank him for the dinner, win us a ball game, and head on up to Green Bay for a much needed stiff drink…

 

CARBottom Line: Carolina +1    
3 Bombs!!!

 

 

Green Bay -9  vs.  Chicago:
Now that the family stuff is out of the way, and they are all passed out from tryptophan and Irish coffees, it’s time for the night game. We’re all going to head over to Aaron Rodgers’ place and have some drinks with old friends that are back home for the holiday. Nothing crazy, just the few people we want to see.

It’s always good catching up the Packers, they are doing well in life and there are good vibes in the air. Rodgers laughs about his dinner with the cheeseheads, and how absurd they are. He even relates to your Cam story, as he actually had to tell his family that saying “Muslims Suck” is not cool.

My life's not perfect ya know?  Ok, maybe it is Jay
My life’s not perfect ya know? Ok, maybe it is Jay

All the old friends are having a good time, even Jay Cutler. At first, nobody liked seeing him show up. Yea, he was our friend, but he’s always a jerk, especially when he drinks. Plus, he never left town and visibly resents everyone else for “abandoning” him.

Jay always had a personal rivalry with Rodgers, even if Aaron was unaware of it. Jay always has a “too cool for school” look of indifference on his face. It starts out with innocent jabs that have serious undertones. A few more drinks, few more barbs. We all tell him to knock it off.

He laughs, “I’m just kidding around. What? You all lost your sense of humor at those brainwashing Universities you go to?” He then goes off on some annoying diatribe about how he actually feels bad for us and all of the debt we’re going to be in. That’s the thing about Jay, no matter how honest you try to be with him, he just wants to appear that he doesn’t care.

But Jay cares, oh he cares. Jay cares that Aaron went to college. Jay cares that Aaron didn’t get his high school girlfriend pregnant and doesn’t have to work 2 jobs to pay for daycare. Jay cares about beating Rodgers in Lambeau. But, Jay can’t. Jay won’t move on.

What? No, marriage is great.  Being an NFL star QB, now that is dull!
What? No, marriage is great. Being an NFL star QB, now that is dull!

Now, this night of fun drinking as turned slightly serious, as everyone tries to tell Jay we love him and rooting for him. He pays us back by telling us where all the hidden DUI checkpoints are, and which routes to take to avoid them. That’s when Rodgers helps his old angry buddy out, “Come on Jay, How about instead of trying to avoid the cops, you not drive at all?”

Yea, you’re right man. I got to grow up. C-C-Can I stay at your house?

“Of course you can buddy. You’re always welcome to come to Aaron Rodger’s house… You just can never beat me.”

 

GBBottom Line: Green Bay -9
3 Bombs!!!

 

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CJ Sullivan
CJ Sullivan has been a staple in the Los Angeles and Chicago comedy scene for many years. CJ has been on Comedy Central and performs in numerous comedy clubs across the country. His writing credentials include projects for A&E network, Comedy Central, Robert Smigel, and XM/Sirius radio. Sullivan, also a World Series of Poker winning professional poker player, garnered the #1 comedy album spot on iTunes for his newly released stand up comedy album “What am I Complaining About?”.

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