Watching the Patriots wave the middle finger at Roger Goodell will never get old. Bill, Mr. Kraft, and Jonathan continue to run the Frank Pentangeli power play every time they are asked a question about the quarterback situation or the fines levied by the ego maniac in the corner office at 345 Park Avenue.
They play dumb as a fox and then piss right on the league office’s shoes and smile while doing it. Just like Frank was in the “olive oil business” with Michael Corleone’s father, RKK and Company are focused on becoming a better team week in and week out. In real world terms it translates into “We’re going to murder you every week, wake you up, and then murder you again.” Bill, Jimmy, and the rest of the squad down at 1 Patriot Place can moonwalk like MJ around every question guys like Tom Curran and Mike Reiss fire at them, but they all know what the real motivation is for 2016.
- Denver Broncos – The Denver defense almost decapitated Cam Newton in the season opener. I just don’t buy into a quarterback who has a last name that resembles a bodily fluid.
2. Green Bay Packers – Aaron Rodgers looked like the Aaron Rodgers of a couple years ago, minus the one piece denim get up.
3. New England Patriots – JIMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
4. Seattle Seahawks – Is massaging Russel Wilson’s ankle part of his marriage arrangement?
5. Pittsburgh Steelers – Was that Antonio Brown or Lexy Panterra twerking in the end zone?
6. Arizona Cardinals – Carson Palmer got outplayed by a guy making his first ever start and Big Bruce needs a shave.
7. Carolina Panthers – The Panthers offensive line resembled the NFL’s concussion protocol. It actually resembles any NFL protocol, full of holes and inconsistent.
8. Cincinnati Bengals – AJ Green made Darrelle Revis look like Ellis Hobbs. Don’t remember Ellis Hobbs? Google the “Guy who shot himself in the leg game winning Super Bowl catch”.
9. Kansas City Chiefs – Spencer Ware and Alex Smith decided to wake up midway through the second half. The Chiefs are such an enigma and give me a popsicle headache trying to figure them out.
10. Minnesota Vikings – AP rushes for under fifty yards and the Vikings win by two plus touchdowns. How on earth does that happen? Their defense took a dozen adderalls each and played out of their minds.
11. New Jersey Giants – Eli threw his 200th career interception but the G-Men came out on top. They are the front runners in the NFC East and Jenkins may be the best FA pickup of the offseason. He also has the best dreads in the league.
12. Baltimore Ravens – Mike Wallace told the media they shouldn’t have counted him out. Mike, let’s see if you can both stay healthy and string together more than one halfway decent game.
13. Oakland Raiders – Hear the sound of metal dragging on the ground? That is Jack Del Rio’s massive brass balls. What a call by the head coach in Oakland.
14. Dallas Cowboys – Prescott couldn’t get Dez involved and Jerry Jones’ head exploded when Terrence Williams didn’t get out of bounds.
15. Philadelphia Eagles – Carson Wentz showed great poise for a rookie, but let’s not set aside some space in Canton for him just yet. They beat a helpless Cleveland team.
16. Houston Texans – JJ Watt won the Hardo of the Year Award before he even stepped on the field. He is insufferable.
17. New Orleans Saints – Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Drew Brees throws for a million, billion yards and the Saints lose.
18. New Jersey Jets – Doug Bowles can’t be happy with what he saw yesterday from his defense. He let The Ginger drive a Bengals team with really one receiving option beat them with a last second field goal.
19. Detroit Lions – Matthew Stafford slimmed down and finally looks like a leader out there.
20. Buffalo Bills – Rex said his team will be watching the Super Bowl from home. Finally this dude says something that makes sense.
21. Atlanta Falcons – When Julio Jones is barely targeted and only has four receptions, you aren’t going to win many games.
22. Washington Redskins – Kirk Cousins didn’t do himself any favors in earning that payday.
23. Indianapolis Colts – Somewhere Jim Irsay is on a street corner playing one of his five million guitars looking for answers. Jim Caldwell should be the first to go.
24. San Diego Chargers – Keenan Allen blows his leg out and the Chargers blow a massive second half lead. Things haven’t changed much for the powder blues.
25. San Francisco 49ers – The Chip Kelly era pitched a shutout on defense. What planet are we on?
26. Miami Dolphins – The Dolphins had their chances to beat the Seahawks on the road, but Adam Gase got outcoached by Pete Carrol. Maybe they should bring Lela Star in for a tryout?
27. Jacksonville Jaguars – The Jags were an Aaron Rodgers being Aaron Rodgers play away from starting the season 1-0. However, they became the Jaguars again and all in the world is right.
28. Chicago Bears – Chicago has holes on defense and special teams. Jay Cutler (Captain
Motivation) can’t make up for those. It is going to be a long season in the Windy City.
29. Cleveland Browns – IR-G3. Poor guy can’t catch a break.
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Mr. Winston threw up some massive numbers on a secondary that was decent against the pass last season. Mike Evans is primed for a bounce back campaign.
31. Los Angeles Rams – The Rams may be the worst team in the NFL.
32. Tennessee Titans – Tennessee stinks. I mean they really stink outside of their running backs.