(AP Photo/Charles Krupa, File)

Check out CJ Sullivan’s newly released stand-up comedy album, “What Am I Complaining About” on iTunes!

This NFL season was absolutely absurd, embarrassing, terrible, and even worse — inevitable.  It occurred during 2017, so it never stood a chance. The nightmare began well before the first ball was kicked in training camp, when Colin Kaepernick decided to “opt out” of his contract in San Francisco and test the free agent market. That was bad advice.

Shockingly, 32 wealthy white billionaire owners decided not to employ the controversial QB, and staged an unspoken blackballing of him. Several weak reasons were given on why Kaepernick was not signed by any teams, but talent was not one of them. Teams reached for any excuse of why he wouldn’t fit in with their fans without admitting the truth. Baltimore said they were ready to, but then his girlfriend sent an offensive meme.  Miami was so offended that he wore a tee shirt with Fidel Castro on it, they couldn’t even. Sure, they would give millions to an O line coach who blew rails of coke in the Don Shula banquet room while Face Timing with a stripper in Vegas , but Kaepernick wore a stoner college sophomore’s tank top. He must support Commies! Pretty sure Seattle said no, because he couldn’t name the original band members of Mudhoney.

No reasonable football mind could possibly argue that he isn’t one of the 90 best QBs around. That argument was destroyed by even the most ardent deniers when Miami decided to coax Jay Fucking Cutler out of retirement. Personally, I always found the apathetic sig-meh caller hilarious, but Dear Lord, that’s a slap in the face. Nobody likes Cutler. The Dolphins told their fans that they would rather have a QB that takes a knee AFTER the national anthem, than someone who speaks up for civil rights.

No, it has nothing to do with race at all Colin, honestly! We just think Blake Gabbert is a better fit for us

The blackballing of Kaepernick led to a boycott of the NFL by “woke” fans who suddenly realized that billionaires might be racist. One could usually spot these boycotters, because they were around TVs playing NFL games, telling you how they don’t watch NFL games. While I could get behind the spirit of the boycott, participating was an impossibility, because gambling addictions have no politics. As a matter of fact: if, as an adult, you weren’t betting parlays and 3 team teasers every autumn weekend for the last decade… You were already boycotting the NFL.

Since it was 2017, the Kaepernick story couldn’t remain a reasonable one about a man sacrificing his career that raises awareness to a serious issue while giving a voice to the voiceless.  Like everything, it had to be Trump’d. It is impossible to talk about any story from this year without mentioning Donald Trump. He is that prolific when it comes to insanity and confusion. We used to be glued to our TVs for weeks when a little girl would fall through a well. Today, that story is forgotten by lunch because Trump used chopsticks for a Martian ears bit while photo-oping with Kim Jong-Un.

Donald Trump decided to hijack the Kaepernick story in September and add his own boycott to the foray. Hey, why not? Trump changed the story line and convinced his base that the protest was now about spoiled black athletes hating the military for some reason. In doing this, he now made the hated NFL the sympathetic figure. To recap, people boycotted the NFL because they unfairly wouldn’t give Kaepernick a job. Then, Trump made another set of people boycott the NFL for supporting Kaepernicks protest, even though the NFL actually didn’t. Now, your racist uncle and your annoying hipster friend have the same enemy for different, similar reasons. What?? Even, I don’t understand the sentence I just typed. Say what you want, but Trump is a master of chaos. He is solely responsible for the reason why everyone became stupid in 2017. Everyone. It made me so stupid, that I haven’t even mentioned the Super Bowl yet, 6 paragraphs into a gambling blog about the SUPER BOWL!!!

For the remaining fans of the NFL, the Super Bowl match up could not have turned out worse. It is universally accepted that the New England Patriots are an evil winning conglomerate machine that must die. So, the entire non-sociopath faction of the country has to become Philadelphia Eagle fans on Sunday… like it or not. Just like in November, you have to vote for the lesser of two evils.

Philly fans are the greater of 3 evils!

Everyone knows that Philadelphia fans are the worst behaved monsters in American sports. They accept it. It is their role, and it is necessary so the rest of the country can avoid looking in the mirror. The truth is, all sports fans have awful facets of morons — it’s called America. A great American tradition is avoiding honest reflection, and casting responsibility down the line. We have a weight problem here, because there is always a fatter person 3 booths down at the Golden Corral we can point at and say, “At least I’m not that fucking guy… Jesus!”  That is who Eagle fans are: the family, dipping crab legs into mashed potatoes, to use as an adhesive to scoop up hush puppies like a chain gang picking litter on the side of a highway. You WANT Philly on that wall! You NEED Philly on that wall!

I’m aware of the Philly fan make up, because I am one. My Dad once brought me to a Sixers / Bulls game when I was a kid at the Spectrum. I remember booing Michael Jordan because the refs let him get away with an obvious travel. My Dad hit me and said “We don’t do that.”  ( Actually, Dad, yes we do. All the time. But I’ll give him a pass since he was trying to do the good father thing and all… plus he’s dead). The point is, what 10 year old kid boos the greatest athlete of all time dunking on Hersey Hawkins because he took 3 steps?  A lot them, that’s who. We are raised to be sports savvy and unrelentingly negative. Those are two boorish traits that nobody is attracted to, and we revel in it.

The obvious reason why the Patriots are loathed is because they win all the time.  I mean, All. Of. The. Damn. Time. It’s disgusting how great they are, year after year. But, hating Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and owner Robert Kraft is boring at this point. Yes, they are the only non hockey team that will still accept an invitation to the White House after they win a title.  You know why? Because they are rich, and not dumb people. They SHOULD play that role and swim laps in tax breaks.

No, it’s what the winning did to anyone associated with Boston besides those 3, where lies the real problem. The fans, the interchangeable assembly line of role players, and the wind bag columnists for the Globe and the Herahhhhllld. They all used to be passionate, surly, charming scumbags with horrible accents like the rest of us, but no more. Now, they are insufferable, and they think they deserve it. This has to stop. I mean, does Danny Amendola really believe he should be dating an ex Ms. Universe for God’s sake? Look at this pic…

We are all that disgusted woman in Uggs

He doesn’t realize that he is Dan Akroyd in “Trading Places”? His life can be decimated in a weekend by Randolph Kraft and Mortimer Belichick over a $1 bet, and he’ll be back on the Rams practice squad dropping his girlfriend off at Perkins for the late shift.

A common joke online is that rooting for the Patriots is equivalent to supporting Trump, but in reality, the opposite is true. It is the Eagles and their fans that are Trump, and we became their blind supporters for the greater good of the party to end this Patsghazi. Americans have spent their whole lives knowing that Philly fans are crass, dumb, violent idiots… but they are entertaining.

At least, unlike Boston fans, they had the decency to never really win anything. Now, all of a sudden, Nick Foles came down an escalator in a mall, called Viking D backs rapists, and he has a legit chance at this thing. Americans everywhere find themselves being Philly apologists for all of their transgressions like an Evangelist poo pooing Trump fucking a porn star months after his 3rd wife gave birth to a son he still hasn’t met.

“Sure, they booed Santa Claus…but he was skinny and drunk. Looked nothing like him. They were actually noble, for not allowing children to see such an atrocity.”

“Ok, they did cheer when Michael Irvin got a spinal injury, but how else were they going to win the game?  We all know Wes Hopkins couldn’t cover him!  I call that, good insight!”

“Why are you bringing up old history? They are a changed man now. What’s that? They sucker punched a police horse last week? After winning by 31 points??  Well… Can you really sucker punch a horse? I mean, if you get to punch a horse, trust me, they let you”.

 

Unfortunately, we are all going to have to face reality at some point. And that is the actual game. Like desperate liberals trying to find any possible way Trump can get impeached, we search for ways the Eagles can possibly win and defeat this never ending evil, but it’s just not there.

Give Bill Belichick two weeks to figure out Nick Foles, and the only question is, ‘What is he going to do with the other 12 days?’  My guess is tour the Mall of America for a dozen more hoodies while the country is left sitting behind crying in our stupid dog masks. Oh well, let’s get Carson Wentz, Deshaun Watson and Aaron Rodgers healthy and hit the polls for 2020!

 

Super Bowl LII Irish Car Bomb to end all Humanity: Patriots -4.5
45 bombs!!!!!

 

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CJ Sullivan
CJ Sullivan has been a staple in the Los Angeles and Chicago comedy scene for many years. CJ has been on Comedy Central and performs in numerous comedy clubs across the country. His writing credentials include projects for A&E network, Comedy Central, Robert Smigel, and XM/Sirius radio. Sullivan, also a World Series of Poker winning professional poker player, garnered the #1 comedy album spot on iTunes for his newly released stand up comedy album “What am I Complaining About?”.

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