"This is a real changing of the guard, not just a big day for the Giants, but one for our country as well." – Sal Pal on Eli's benching. (Photo Credit: Charlie Riedel)

Denver +6.5  @  L.A. Chargers of Carson:
The Broncos are not a good football team right now, and they won’t ever be as long John Elway remains the man in charge. The Denver legend is the GM and manages the Broncos like he doesn’t want anyone to ever break his passing records. There’s no other way to explain giving Joe Flacco money to play QB after the year 2011.

His coaching hire was just as great. Every team went looking for the next offensive kid wonder Sean McVay type. Not Elway, he went ahead and zagged with defensive dinosaur Vic Fangio. You have to feel bad for Fangio. He is a coaching “lifer”, who has spent over half his life teaching defense at an expert level. After 40 years, Gentleman John gives him his first opportunity to be a Head Coach, at a time when the league makes it impossible to play defense. What a dick.

HOW OBVIOUS COULD I GET, I PLAYED TIM TEBOW FOR GOD’S SAKE!

The last thing a winless team needs is road game in a hostile environment… luckily, Carson, California ain’t that. The couch crashing Chargers are wearing out their welcome in the soccer stadium they play their home games in. The Chargers moved to LA from San Diego to see if they could “make it”. Gave a call to their old college buddy, The Galaxy, and asked if they could crash for a while, or just until they get some things figured out. And after a year and a half of doing laundry in the kitchen sink, shit’s not cool anymore breh.

I watched the Chargers lose there 2 weeks ago, and the vibe is not the same. You can tell the Galaxy is ready for them to leave. They don’t change the banners anymore, they haphazardly throw a Philip Rivers jersey on their soccer statue, changed the stadium name from StubHub to Dignity Health Sports Park. Might as well call it Hot Yoga.

CHARGERS VS. BRONCOS WILL BE FILMED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE

Nothing there seems real at all, certainly not like you are watching an NFL game. It all appears like a production of a game, or the staging of the moon landing. There are rafters, lights, people on their phones…  They have to be extras. 28,000 people who signed waivers and were paid a scale flat fee of $75 for the day.

The Chargers are in no hurry to get a job while hanging in Carson. Their plan is to save up, get some real management, and move in with their older brother — the Rams — next year. For now, they’ll let Denver hang for the weekend and go on some auditions. Just don’t take any of Elway’s roles.

Bottom Line: Denver +6.5 …..  3 Bombs!!!

 
 
 
 

Chicago -5.5  vs. Oakland:
The Bears and Raiders are the latest stooges the NFL are going to thrust upon England against their will. Like the annoying guy in college who really wanted you to get into ska music, the NFL continues to tell Europe that they in fact enjoy American football, they just need the right kind.

Sure, Europe enjoys nonsense, and football is exactly that, especially if you don’t know the rules. I saw a dart match in Belfast last April in front of 20,000 fans. It was awesome. The growing football attendance would be the same if we brought over an Ultimate Frisbee match every year. As long as some idiots have bugger all to do all day, they’ll gather to talk shite and get hammered like us. “Ah, bunch of grockels outside, let’s see what this about. Blinding catch of the disc mate, but my dog can do that!” 

None of the NFL teams want to go over there either, they just accept it’s their turn, like jury duty. Oakland linebacker, Vontaze Burfict, intentionally got himself suspended with an illegal hit in order to get out of a flight to London. His problem was that he overplayed his hand and got suspended for the whole season.

I can’t blame him, how is he supposed to know that the NFL was going to single out HIS brain damage tackle over the 500 other concussion missiles launched that weekend. I know, he has a history. So does every player in the NFL who participates in the sport. They all have caused bodily harm. You just don’t know it yet, man.

The Bears come in to this game feeling good, because they’re the only NFL team that benefits from having their franchise QB shatter their shoulder. The only bad side was that Trubisky didn’t hurt his throwing shoulder, and he probably eventually wants to come back. Any other team loses their QB, and its all consuming misery…Chicago couldn’t be happier.

I STILL GET TO SEE BIG BEN, RIGHT GUYS?

Reporters don’t even ask how Trubisky is doing or if there is a return timetable. It’s like being on holiday and not wanting to think about what is waiting for you at work when you get back. Out of sight, out of mind. What did you say your name was kid? Chase Daniels. I love it.  Have a pint on me and drink up, because when that Mitch bloke comes back with his bullock passes… This whole season goes to pot.

Bottom Line: Chicago -5.5 …..  3 Bombs!!!

 
 
 
 

Bye Week -4.5 @ Miami:
The Miami Dolphins take on their bye week this Sunday and see themselves facing their smallest spread yet. It’s been a rough go so far for Miami, as management is openly trying to tank the season for top draft picks.

After losing their first game 59-10, players were calling their agents in the locker room pleading to get out of there like it was Fyre Fest. Nothing worse than being promised Instagram models in South Beach Clubs and getting Ja Rosen serving cheese sandwiches instead.

Now while it is true that the bye week is not actually an NFL team, neither are the Dolphins. I predict a 0-0 game heading into Overtime, where someone is going to be asked to step up and take one for the team and score a TD on themselves. If not for you, then how about for poor Andy King?

 

Bottom Line: Bye Week -4.5 …..  2 Bombs!!
2bombs

 
 
 
 

Minnesota -5  @  NY Giants:
Eli Manning was not always a bad quarterback. He was never great, just painfully mediocre for a mind numbing amount of time. Eli was always just there, hanging in the background. He didn’t go to your school exactly, but he would visit your roommate every weekend for the college parties. Whatever, he was fine and everyone heard of his legendary older brother, plus he had two amazing Tom Brady stories.

Eli Manning mastered the skill of hanging around. Doing enough to get himself invited, but never making a scene where he would be asked to leave. He had important friends, the NY media, that would always insist he got to stay. He would always follow an interception or a concussion with a funny face, and we forgave him faster than you can say 1,240,000 results for Eli Manning Memes. The internet got so much joy making fun of him, we forgot he was actually destroying a proud NFL franchise. 

There was never anyone good who even considered taking his place either, like the pretty girl who always had the same boyfriend.  Oh, the Giants were interested?  Really?  I always thought they were with Eli.  Never even gave them a thought really.  Wasn’t Geno Smith trying to mess around with them for a minute? 

That is why when the Giants finally benched Eli two weeks ago in Tampa Bay, we all overreacted to it. We all knew he’s been terrible for the last four years, and they finally drafted a worthy successor, but still the unknown is scary. ESPN’s Sal Palantonio reported the scene before the Bucs game like he was feeling the mood of the country after the JFK assassination. These are words he actually said while holding back a man tear:

“This is a real changing of the guard, not just a big day for the Giants, but one for our country as well.”

I’m happy Daniel Jones got his chance and all, but this wasn’t the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier at Arlington Cemetery. Yes, Eli beat Brady and the Pats twice in the Super Bowl and we as a country thank him and God for that. You served your country well Eli, please accept this bestowed honor of a Hall of Fame enshrinement. Your two Super Bowls and countless memes were so satisfying to us, that we won’t even look up your stats to see if you deserve this or not. We know they can’t be worse than Joe Namath’s stats, so fuck it… Here’s a mustard blazer.

This leads us to this Sunday’s game. We have two opposite teams, two different QBs, and two misleading media perceptions. Vikings QB Kirk Cousins had a bad day at the office in Chicago last weekend. Knowing the Bears defense, that is perfectly acceptable. However, Cousins did the unthinkable for a star American quarterback, he *GASP* apologized to his WR publicly for playing poorly. We want our QBs to act like our President, never admitting guilt no matter the evidence.  Oh, I overthrew you for a TD Thielen? I didn’t know I had to take some off of it due to your slow Caucasian handicap.  What, I’m racist now? No, you are racist, how you like that?  No, you don’t make sense, Next question!

Meanwhile, Danny Dimes got a nickname and a lifetime of free lap dances at Scores from NY, for simply not being Eli Manning the last 2 games.  They are still a very bad team. The Vikings can beat very bad teams. They beat them good, and will not apologize.

Irish Car Bomb of the Week: Minnesota -5 ….. 5 Bombs!!!!! 

 

 

 

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CJ Sullivan
CJ Sullivan has been a staple in the Los Angeles and Chicago comedy scene for many years. CJ has been on Comedy Central and performs in numerous comedy clubs across the country. His writing credentials include projects for A&E network, Comedy Central, Robert Smigel, and XM/Sirius radio. Sullivan, also a World Series of Poker winning professional poker player, garnered the #1 comedy album spot on iTunes for his newly released stand up comedy album “What am I Complaining About?”.

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