Bottom line bombs returns after a successful year of detonations and debauchery. This NFL season is sure to be full of bad beats and outright awfulness, due to the hilarious fact that it will be officiated by replacement referees.

I have little idea about the details of the referee lockout, nor do I care to know. I do know that no matter if the ref is a 30 year NFL veteran or from Pop Warner, he (and now she) is going to blow calls. It won’t be their fault, because it’s what they do. I don’t know how they ever get a call right, being that close to a prison riot / NFL game.

If the NFL is going to replace the refs, they should do it with computers and get these old men completely out of harm’s way. Their lives are in serious danger every Sunday for 3 and a half constant hours and we want them to pick up a block in the back penalty on a punt return? It is all backs and fronts and wings and howls to them. The referees are surrounded by 22 scientifically enraged animals flying around in every direction with the speed of a NASCAR event, and they are a family of ducks trying to cross the track.

Replace the replacement refs with computers, or have them call the game from the booth like offensive coordinators. There is a reason why coaches come off the field after players reach puberty, because that terrain is a death field to pedestrians. It is borderline elderly abuse just to make them backpedal in those Foot Locker uniforms, let alone putting them in certain death situations. Now let’s bomb!

Philadelphia -9 @ Cleveland:
An uncommon theme this opening weekend is how many rookie quarterbacks (5) are starting for their teams. History shows that they do not fare too well in their debut games as the speed and complexities are overwhelming.

However, quarterbacks nowadays are bred from age 9 thru specialized camps and high priced individual guru instructors. Guys like Andrew Luck were reading zone blitz defenses in the womb. Seriously, his father Oliver Luck would have sex with his pregnant wife for 3 straight hours every Sunday sending different blitzes of his sperm up to Andrew to decipher. These new young quarterbacks will be just fine and in a hurry.

29 year old rookie Brandon Weeden is psyched to make his Browns debut this Sunday against Philly

Then there is the case of Cleveland’s rookie quarterback, Brandon Wheeden, who is the opposite. He was my favorite type of Heisman contender last year, a 28 year old man who already lived quite an adult life that he failed at, and got to come back to school through some eligibility nonsense. He is basically Scott Bakula, but instead of having Sinbad and Kathy Ireland as teammates, he was on one of the most talented teams in college football and had to get drafted because of his gaudy stats.

Things are so bad in Cleveland, that the fan base is actually excited for a 29 year old rookie who is already on the downside of his career before he even played one game. Normally, when things are bad in Cleveland it could lead to a difficult home field advantage making laying the huge number an issue. However, Browns fans will be too excited celebrating the death of their former owner – Art Modell – to realize their team has a rookie QB that is older than Aaron Rodgers.

Bottom line: Eagles -9
3 bombs!!!

 
 
Detroit -7.5 vs. St. Louis:
The Rams are an interesting kind of terrible team. They were bad for a while, got some young promising talent and appeared to be on their way up, then every single one of those players regressed to being worse than a High School player.

The window is closing fast on Sam Bradford’s career

Sam Bradford, their top pick QB, had a surprisingly great rookie season. He then not only had a sophomore slump, but he seemed to get inexplicably worse each week. Bradford literally peaked in his first NFL game then regressed every day afterwards. He is the Benjamin Button of quarterbacks. Bradford wasn’t alone, as countless other Ram talents seem to just disappear like a Dateline episode, never to be heard from again.

The only explanation for every young Ram to be on board to peak at day 1 of their careers is that they hate Steven Jackson. Poor Jackson. He has been the best player on several terrible Rams teams for years, wearing his body down season after season because he is the only threat to other teams’ defenses. When his contract was up and he finally had a chance to leave St. Louis, that’s when things seemed to be heading up for the Rams. Jackson, being the loyal soldier, wanted to stick things through and be a modern day hero to the fans of St. Louis. So he signed a new contract. Then everyone vanished, and now it’s up to him and Jeff Fisher to check the phone records.

Bottom line: Detroit -7.5
3 bombs!!

 
 
Arizona +3 vs. Seattle:
This is a great matchup of two teams that made the same colossal mistake of paying huge money to backup quarterbacks after seeing them play for about ten minutes.

Andy & Mike discussing their next QB heist. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

These passing system coaches are the last of the great snake oil salesmen. Philly and Green Bay showcased their back ups – Kevin Kolb & Matt Flynn – in meaningless games and put them in fixed situations to make them look good. Before anyone knew what happened, they put the cape back over them, asked for the highest bidder, then shipped them to a desperate market.

What was sold to them as under appreciated signal callers turned out to be $40 million clipboard holders. Before they could demand their money back, Andy Reid and Mike McCarthy peeled out of town and counted their cash at the Cracker Barrel.

So now both teams are forced to play rookies in John Skelton and Russ Wilson. Technically, Skelton is not a rookie, but I don’t care if he plays 8 years, I will consider it his 8th rookie year. We’ll take the home team with points starting the 2nd year rookie.

Bottom Line: Arizona +3
2 bombs!!

 
 
IRISH CAR BOMB Detonation of the week:

New Orleans -7 vs. Washington:
The Saints are supposed to be a depleted team this year because of various suspensions from their bounty system scandal. They recently got their players back on an appeal, but their head coach, Sean Payton, is still gone for the season. Sean Payton is a great coach, but he is completely unnecessary at this point. As a matter of fact, none these coaches are necessary. Once the offensive coordinator learns the system, what is he possibly going to teach Drew Brees?

Drew Brees getting some QB tips from interim interim Saints head coach Aaron Kromer

Hey Drew, make sure to open your hip and follow through on your passes.”

“Got it coach. Thanks for the tip. By the way I shattered Dan Fucking Marino’s passing record last year.”

If the Saints were smart, they would not have hired an interm coach at all and just run the show themselves as players. By appointing O-line coach, Aaron Kromer, it’s basically what they did. Rules stipulate that you need someone to do the interviews at halftime though, so they will roll Kromer out to Pam Ward while Brees thinks about how to score 90 points.

This year is a recipe for disaster for anyone playing the Saints. They are a slighted team who feels they were wronged by the league, and they have no head coach. They might win this by 50, because there is no one in charge of these guys to tell them not to.

IRISH CAR BOMB detonation of the week: Saints -7
5 bombs!!!!!

 
 

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CJ Sullivan
CJ Sullivan has been a staple in the Los Angeles and Chicago comedy scene for many years. CJ has been on Comedy Central and performs in numerous comedy clubs across the country. His writing credentials include projects for A&E network, Comedy Central, Robert Smigel, and XM/Sirius radio. Sullivan, also a World Series of Poker winning professional poker player, garnered the #1 comedy album spot on iTunes for his newly released stand up comedy album “What am I Complaining About?”.

1 COMMENT

  1. Plays made with full assumption entire football bankroll will be blown on live halftime plays of the early games!

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