Remember that these picks are for tobacco use only.

Buffalo +3 vs. Baltimore: 
The defending champion Ravens opened their hangover season by getting pummeled by Peyton Manning. They followed that up with an even more embarrassing close victory over the Browns. This is a time when leaders like Ray Lewis or Ed Reed would scream some Bible verses at everyone and things would work out, but this year they have moved on. Baltimore needed to rally and get their form back, and in a hurry.

Usually, when a veteran team feels a season is slipping away, they will call a closed door ‘players only’ meeting after a practice. Not Baltimore. The Ravens realized their problem was that they were still living the same party from their Super Bowl championship 8 months ago. They needed to create a new party for the team to get excited about, because that is how the Ravens play well, when they are wild ‘n out.

Team captains called for a players only meeting to take place AFTER their game against Houston, and it would only be held if they won. This is because the Ravens meetings do not occur in locker rooms or board rooms, they happen on party buses with strippers. That is how this team wins Super Bowls. The strategy worked, as Baltimore crushed the Texans, and than they went out and raised hell all night long. Business as usual.

Baltimore needs to party in order to win, because they are amazing at it. They’ve beat murder raps, fought other teams in turf wars like it was the 50s, and just some good old rabble-rousing. All in the name of a good party. The stories that came out from last Sunday night were no exception and great.

Pictured here: Sweet Pea, the stripper that smashed Jacoby Jones in the head with a champagne bottle. Here's hoping Sweet Pea is not the one with the shaved head flashing the deuces.
Pictured here: Sweet Pea, the stripper that smashed Jacoby Jones in the head with a champagne bottle. Here’s hoping Sweet Pea is not the one with the shaved head flashing the deuces.

WR Jacoby Jones apparently got in an argument with a stripper named Sweet Pea on the party bus that resulted in her smashing a champagne bottle over his head. Normally, this kind of story would raise some questions from the media or at least local police, but not this team. It’s just so Raven. Nobody in the entire city of Baltimore batted an eye. Players weren’t embarrassed or even tried to lie and hide it. They just laughed it off like, “Oh yeah, I kind of remember that happening, that’s right. Jacoby got hit in the head with that blunt object after getting fresh with Sweet Pea, man that was hilarious! He almost died! LOL! I hope we still got her number, she’s a wild time bro. A little hint though, do NOT sing that old Tommy Roe song to her, trust me.”

Unfortunately, the schedule is throwing a curve in the new Raven party tour this week by sending them to Buffalo to play the Bills. There is nothing to do in Buffalo that could motivate them to play their wild style ball. It’s a town that relies on the actual football game to provide the excitement. That is boring, and boring is not so Raven.

BUFBottom Line: Buffalo +3
3 bombs!!!

 

 

Pittsburgh United -3 @ Minnesota FC: 

From democracy to football, America loves forcing other countries to share our beliefs. Every year, the NFL flies two teams ‘across the pond’ to play a rain soaked terrible game in front of hundreds of confused fans.

It certainly isn’t the Brits’ fault. Why would they want to suddenly care about a new stupid sport when they already have been raised on their own stupid version of football? Neither version is better, we just each like our own version because it is ours.

There’s nothing worse than the American soccer fan that is condescending to football because it’s not worldly or sophisticated. They wear team colored scarves, chant while calling their beer a ‘pint’ and refer to America as “The States” like they were born in Birmingham, England. That’s why I completely get why English people don’t want to be that wanker in their group of mates that suddenly is wearing a Tom Brady jersey and butt chugging Jagermeister on a Sunday morning.

These Americans have no idea how much more insane sports fans are around the world. In Brazil a few months ago, a soccer referee got fucking decapitated on the field after blowing a call! Granted, the ref first stabbed a fan to death who attacked him on the pitch, but still. It’s not like he was a even a replacement ref, that I’d understand.

Part of the problem explaining the game to Europe will be on full display this Sunday. The Vikings will have the greatest athlete on the field, in Adrian Peterson, and it won’t matter. He’s the fastest, strongest, most athletic person that any spectator there has ever seen. Even without knowing the game, they will be able to tell that he is something special. I have no doubt that if he was raised on any of their sports, he’d be the best soccer/rugby/squash/cricket/motocross player in their country’s history.

Hey England: keep your eyes on this guy
Hey England: keep your eyes on this guy

Fans will assume since he is the best athlete out there, that their team must be great and they will win. Well, not really Union Jack. See in our game, we put 10 of the most incredible freaks of nature on the field and have them all be controlled by that normal dude who looks like he’s in one of your dart leagues.

See, in our country, we have a million guys who are close to that Peterson fella in athleticism, but only like 10 or 12 of those bouncer type Roethlisbergers. We search every farm in Pennsylvania looking for tires hanging from tree limbs to see if they got one of those guys living there. Once we find him, we give him 50% of the team’s salary and create every rule we can think of to ensure nobody touches him. If they get hurt, then the whole team is screwed. So he gets to set the rules and yell at all of his teammates that could surely kill him if they wanted to, because he is so valuable. Americans love it, they need a gunslinger.

The Vikings might have the best athlete and player, but they don’t have the best beer gutted cowboy. In our country, partner, that means a little something.

PITBottom Line: Pittsburgh -3
3 Bullocks!!!

 

 

Jacksonville +7.5 vs Indianapolis: 

The Jacksonville Jaguars are on the verge of being one of the worst teams in NFL history. Two weeks ago, the local network affiliate that airs the Jaguar games ran an apology on the bottom of the screen for not showing the Manning brother game because their hands were tied.

They have no chance of improving on the field, and their new owner, Shahid Khan, is well aware of this. That’s why he’s trying to find creative ways of getting fans to show up to the games.

Sensing this disaster in the summer, Khan threw out the idea of showing the NFL Red Zone channel on the Jumbotron during the games so fans could show up and watch other games. This genius idea was shut down and laughed at by old heads who think all teams should take pride in their own games.

Obviously, they have never seen that channel. It is amazing. God forbid their fans get entertained for buying a ticket. It cuts to the action of every game going on right before they are about to score for the most intelligent remote control flipping possible. As my friend @BrianPotrafka once said about it, “It is like a porn movie with nothing but money shots. No stories, no set ups, just an onslaught of scores!”

Face-painter here deserves a 10-beer voucher for that Jag arm band tat.
Face-painter here deserves a 10-beer voucher for that Jag arm band tat.

Since the NFL won’t allow Jaguar fans to watch any good games, Khan decided to give them the next best thing. Free beer so they can forget the montrocity they are watching. Khan is the best. Boorish crowd behavior is a real problem in the NFL, and drinking and driving is an even worse one.

That is where the Jags have been going wrong, their fans aren’t rabid enough about them losing. They are just too indifferent. This could be from not having a long history with their expansion team, or they might be sensible people. Khan highly doubts that the latter is the issue, and believes the Florida fans were just standing their ground when it came to beer prices.

So, they took the logical step of offering 2 free beers for anyone who bought a ticket to this weeks game. Come scream at the Colts, or the Jaguars, or each other, whatever just come! Maybe if enough people show up to the game, then the networks will be allowed to air something else for the fans that couldn’t get in.

Either way, I’m backing Shahid Khan and whatever plan he comes up with next to get people stop bringing up Tim Tebow.

JAC2bombsBottom Line: Jacksonville +7.5
2 Bombs!!!

 

 

Irish Car Bomb Detonation Game of the Week, Atlanta -2 vs New England:

I know the Patriots are 3-0 and have been the greatest franchise in the NFL for the last 13 years, but they are a team in denial. Their 3 ugly wins against the doormats of the League are masking the major holes that come to them in the offseason. It’s how Belichick and his team likes to live – in denial.

The Patriots lost their 3 best receivers to denial. They let Wes Welker go to Denver, because Belichick wanted to prove that he could create a better version of him. He couldnt. They lost Rob Gronkowski to a major back injury, but believe he will just jump back in with his super human strength because he is The Gronk. He can’t. Finally, they lost Aaron Hernadez because they believed a PCP’d up serial killer would have seen enough “Dateline” episodes to cover up a murder of a semi-pro linebacker. He couldn’t.

The best part of Hernadez’ lazy homicide cover up – other than dumping the body a mile away from his mansion inside his gated community like it was part of the Tuesday recycling – was how he tried to destroy the evidence. Police requested his cell phone and his own security surveillance footage from his mansion. Hernandez said, “No problem officers, glad to help and here ya go.”, and then handed over a video footage with 6 hours missing and a smashed cell phone.

"No, I destroyed the cell phone... wait, what?"
“No, I destroyed the cell phone… wait, what?”

I love when people don’t quite understand that their text messages aren’t exactly jumping from one phone to another and staying in there. Once his lawyer explained outer space and satellites to him, I’m sure Hernandez wondered if they could simply charter a shuttle up there and find that damn star that’s holding his “MAke Sure 2 Pik UP BLuntz, Grape Hubba Bubba & my 6 GUNZ b4 u Pick me up!” text. Hey, at least he was on the right team to learn his denial of guilt.

All of this has led QB Tom Brady with a bunch of rookies and a converted second baseman as his receiving core. He is not happy, and does not deny that, even if his coach and owner does. He has been calling all of his old receivers like Deion Branch and Brandon Lloyd, to see if they are interested in coming back. Ownership has said there is no room for them. Tom Brady said, “Fuck off. I make the rules. And I hate all of your draft picks you just made.”

Lloyd has said he is nowhere near in shape for football, since he’s been spending the last year producing a horror B movie. Seriously. Branch might come back, but it won’t be in time for this game.

It’s fitting that this game will be played in the dome that Home Depot built, because that’s how every murderer gets caught on “Dateline”. They pull of the kill, then rush to Home Depot in the middle of the night to buy their murder clean up kit.

“Okay, I need gloves, a shovel, rope, lime? Do you have lime? I’m not even sure what that is, but Google says I need it for this operation.”

One would think they would mix up the items to throw them off the track, like a scared teenager buying condoms. Throw some wood and lamps in there at least. Then they pay with their credit card, wave at the camera and is surprised when they see that clerk on the witness stand in 6 months.

No denying my record has been awful this year, but I will not be caught with the bookie murderer IRISH CAR BOMB DETONATION GAME OF THE WEEK:

ATLIrish Car Bomb Game of the Week: Atlanta -2.5
5 bombs!!!!!

 

 

 

Last Week:  0-3 ( -11 bombs )

Year to Date:  1-6  ( -21 bombs )

 

 

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CJ Sullivan
CJ Sullivan has been a staple in the Los Angeles and Chicago comedy scene for many years. CJ has been on Comedy Central and performs in numerous comedy clubs across the country. His writing credentials include projects for A&E network, Comedy Central, Robert Smigel, and XM/Sirius radio. Sullivan, also a World Series of Poker winning professional poker player, garnered the #1 comedy album spot on iTunes for his newly released stand up comedy album “What am I Complaining About?”.

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