Meaningful football is back, and Tom Brady is probably training on some remote island, slow dancing under the moonlight with Giselle, while she talks to him in languages he doesn’t understand. Would he rather be barking out audible calls of “Rita, Alpha, and Alabama” from the confines of Gillette? Absolutely. But Roger Goodell, Mike Kensil, and the rest of the NFL railroaded him during the 2015 AFC Championship game. It is a month without Brady and that is the bottom line.
The Patriots start their 2016 campaign where their last visit ended in a Super Bowl championship. Jimmy G and company face a tall order against a ferocious Arizona defense and impressive set of skill players. I’m not as high on the defensive side of the ball as most, and I think their defensive backs can be exposed. Keep track of how many times our defensive backs don’t turn around and play the ball. Can they come out of this period of time without Brady with a respectable record? Time will tell and I can’t wait to get things going.
1) Denver Broncos – Regardless of who retired, moved on via free agency, or shot themselves in the leg outside a strip club, the Broncos are the champs and still the team to beat.
2) Arizona Cardinals – Carson Palmer went out of his way to throw jabs at TB12 in his presser this week. Carson, win a meaningful playoff game for me one time.
3) Carolina Panthers – I just hope to God the dab has been put to rest in the same place as Harambe.
4) Green Bay Packers – One Rodgers brother won a reality show and basically aired the family’s dirty laundry. The other Rodgers brother, the one whom matters and smashes Olivia Munn, will smash records this year and win another NFL MVP.
5) New England Patriots – Remember the ‘No Brady No Banner’ movement from last year? How ironic does that look now? The Patriots should finish 2-2 over this stretch, but it will be a challenge to do so without much of a running game.
6) Seattle Seahawks – I just want to know if Russell Wilson prayed to God before he consummated his marriage to Ciara.
7) Pittsburgh Steelers – I’m not sure how you can be the “trendy pick” to win the Super Bowl while rebuilding on defense, missing your star RB for the first three games, and losing a stud WR whom is addicted to weed for the season.
8) Cincinnati Bengals – Pacman Jones is a captain of the Bengals this year. That is all you need to know. Marvin Jones is still doing Marvin Jones things.
9) Kansas City Chiefs – KC won’t be as good as they were last season, but their defense is as good as any in the league.
10) Minnesota Vikings – Teddy Bridgewater’s knee got turned into shredded wheat, which prompted the Vikings to go all in on Sam Bradford.
11) New Jersey Giants – Giants win the NFC East this year. Elijah doesn’t have the same season he had in 2015, but wins his fair share of games.
12) Baltimore Ravens – Baltimore is another bounce back team for 2016. T-Sizzle is another year older, but their defense should be much improved. I pity the night they come to Foxboro in December.
13) Oakland Raiders – I still think the Raiders are a year away from making a dent in the AFC. However, they are one step closer to Bucky Larson (Mark Davis) getting 24 hour lap dances in Vegas.
14) Dallas Cowboys – Tony Romo’s back = Peyton Manning’s Neck = Arian Foster’s = Hamstrings
15) New Orleans Saints – Anyone who has Brady’s and my franchise’s back is OK with me. The Saints were abysmal on defense last season and won’t be too much better this year either.
16) Philadelphia Eagles – The Eagles are doing all they can to purge the franchise of any/all remnants of Chip Kelly.
17) New Jersey Jets – If Matt Forte stays healthy the Jets will be vastly improved on offense.
18) Buffalo Bills – Buffalo will make the playoffs this year and save Rex Ryan a trip to the glue factory.
19) Atlanta Falcons – Atlanta is my bounce back team of 2016. I think Dan Quinn figures things out on defense and Julio challenges the 2,000 yard receiving mark.
20) Washington Redskins – Kirk Cousins and company will take a step back this season. A poor NFC East allowed them to back themselves into a playoff spot. It won’t happen again.
21) Houston Texans – The dude from Twilight will win a few games with his arm for the Texans. Lamar Miller was a sneaky signing by Bill O’Brien and company as well. However, JJ Watt makes me want to projectile vomit every time he opens his mouth.
22) Indianapolis Colts – Jim Irsay is concerned about Luck’s offensive line. Hey Jim, whom has be blocked on all social media accounts, why not address it in the draft and free agency?
23) San Diego Chargers – Joey Bosa and the Chargers made a complete mockery of the post draft signing process. They are best served to finally head to another city.
24) Miami Dolphins – Miami only has to open their season in Seattle and then head to New England the following week. Pray for the Dolphins.
25) Los Angeles Rams – Jared Goff may or may not be the guy in LA. Also, Jeff Fisher is NOT a bullshit 7-9 team!
26) Detroit Lions – How will Fat Face fare without throwing it to Megatron a million, billion times a game?
27) Jacksonville Jaguars – I’m waiting for the day I get to see Shahid Kahn pull off a massive cannonball into the stadium pool. Until then, the Jaguars should compete in the AFC South.
28) Chicago Bears – Sour Puss has a new head coach and a healthy Alshon Jeffery. I just don’t know how consistent he can be, especially in the cold weather.
29) Cleveland Browns – Some say the Browns won’t win a game. I’m not buying it. I think they can do enough, especially in cold weather games, to muster four or five wins.
30) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Mr. Winston should take a big step forward this season. Doug Martin wants to be in the same conversation as Warrick Dunn and Mike Alstott. He better stay consistent or he may end up in the same conversation as Bobby Rainey.
31) Tennessee Titans – The Ultimate Meatball had a solid rookie season and Tennessee final addressed their running game. The Titans defense is an entirely different story.
32) San Francisco 49ers – Ebola Head and his protests are already wearing thin on me. The season hasn’t even kicked off yet.