Remember Fred Savage’s brother in “The Wizard” who would just say “California” and proceed to destroy anyone he played in video games with his eyes closed? That is what the NFL is becoming in relation to matching coaching wits with Bill Belichick. He is a mastermind of epic proportions. The power move of cutting off the NFL logo on his hoodie during an NFL Network televised event was pre-meditated in classic BB fashion. Sure, he has a great supporting staff of coaches to help keep the engine running, but all signs point to Bill when rubber hits the road. Josh, Matty P, and yes even Ernie Adams play a big role week in and week out. A staff full of Foxboro defectors came into Gillette last week and left with matching sets of vasectomies. The Patriots trounced the 2-0 Texans in front of the Foxboro faithful and are sitting on top of the AFC East (shocker) and basically have clinched the division before October 1st. Life is great being a Patriot fan and life was pretty great last weekend meeting Bill at his charity event.
- Denver Broncos – How has nobody made the analogy of “Broncos Ride Trevor Sybian to Victory”?
2. New England Patriots – Brady sunbathing nude in Capri. Bill letting his close friends and family know he drew up the Brissett bootleg on Wednesday afternoon. Amendola and Gronk’s girlfriends hanging out (scissoring) in the wife/gf box at Gillette. What a time to be alive!
3. Green Bay Packers – Rodgers is either not getting enough play from Olivia Munn or too much. My bet is on the former.
4. Minnesota Vikings – The Vikings lose their starting quarterback and switch carrying running back for the season and may be the best team in the NFC. Mike Zimmer is a hell of a coach. He also reminds me of Tom Coughlin where it looks like his face may fall off when the cold weather games come around.
5. Seattle Seahawks – Russell Wilson was an ironman until he married Ciara. What on earth is she doing to him now that the marriage has been consummated?
6. Philadelphia Eagles – Carson Wentz is giving the city of Philadelphia its first sign of hope since Rocky Balboa.
7. Pittsburgh Steelers – How soon before LeVeon Bell gets back on the pot?
8. Baltimore Ravens – Justin Tucker has nuts the size of bowling balls. He may be the best kicker in the game right now.
9. Carolina Panthers – Was that Cam Newton in his press conference or the dude from the Cracker Jack box?
10. Cincinnati Bengals – The Bengals have the Dolphins coming to town on short rest. This should be a layup for Andy Dalton and company.
11.Arizona Cardinals – Big Bruce consistently wins the ‘Hardo Coach of the Week’ award. That did him a lot of good getting his ass handed to him in Buffalo.
12. Kansas City Chiefs – I didn’t think the Chiefs could replicate what they did to TB12 and the Patriots before New England went on a killing spree of the rest of the NFL in 2014. They did it on Sunday against the Amish King.
13. New Jersey Giants – Odell Beckham may need to call his good friend Lena Dunham and ask how to keep his emotions in check. She disgusts me in every way possible.
14. Atlanta Falcons – Something is off with Julio Jones but not with the Falcons offense. Holy hell they are impressive.
15. Oakland Raiders – Derek Carr is quietly climbing the ranks of NFL quarterbacks. He has that white-trash look, but he can sling the rock.
16. Dallas Cowboys – Dak, Dez, and Zeke sounds like the name of a boyband.
17. Houston Texans – The Texans franchise was buried years ago by New England. I’m not sure why people still haven’t grasped this concept.
18. New Jersey Jets – Octomom had eight kids and the Jets had eight turnovers. Enough said.
19. Detroit Lions – The Lions are playing the ‘Tale of Two Teams’ game again. It is so Detroit that it hurts.
20. Los Angeles Rams – Your NFC West division leaders!
21. Miami Dolphins – You can’t mention Miami without mentioning what happened with Jose Fernandez this weekend. What an absolute tragedy for such a bright young star.
22. Buffalo Bills – How much real estate does Bill Belichick own in Rex Ryan’s head?
23. Washington Redskins – I still think you’ll see another quarterback in Washington next season other than Kirk Cousins.
24. Indianapolis Colts – Colts squeak out a lucky win at home against an inferior opponent. Stop me if you’ve heard that one before. Jim Irsay still has me blocked on all social media platforms.
25. New Orleans Saints – The Saints defense is somehow worse than it was last season. It boggles my mind they can’t figure out that side of the ball.
26. San Francisco 49ers – When does Chip make the move to America’s D-Bag at quarterback?
27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Bucs defense needs to get their act together, and fast. The NFC South is wide open, as I’m not a believer in the Falcons.
28. San Diego Chargers – How soon before the Chargers to LA campaign starts?
29. Tennessee Titans – Tennessee still can’t put together four solid quarters of football. It’s only been four years since they’ve been able to do this.
30. Jacksonville Jaguars – Blake Bortles may have bought into his preseason hype a little too much. He has STUNK through three games.
31. Chicago Bears – Chicago may not win a game this season. I mean that.
32. Cleveland Browns – Cleveland may also not win a game this season. I really, really mean that.