Remember the dialogue between Rocky and Paulie getting off the plane into a snowy Siberian abyss in Rocky IV? The scene was the perfect foreshadowing for what was about to unfold during the rest of the movie. I picture Belichick and Brady strolling into meetings at Gillette every day this week listening to the “Hearts on Fire” and “Dead or Alive” on their iPhones and Walkman’s respectively. No, Big Ben isn’t Ivan Drago and didn’t kill anyone (though his bathroom antics at a bar aren’t to be understated) and Mike Tomlin isn’t his midget political manager whom injects steroids into him like Flintstone vitamins.
They are just the next speed bump into taking down the NFL and Roger Goodell. The motivation to make it to Houston for their seventh Super Bowl appearance since the turn of the century doesn’t need to be stated. The look alone on Goodell’s face having to hand Brady his fifth Lombardi trophy will be worth the price of admission. If Mr. Kraft wants to show he has a set of nuts that drag on the ground, he will defer the traditional owner taking the trophy from the Commissioner and letting Brady take it. From there I’d make the hardest Jose Canseco home-run swing with it directly to the cranium of Goodell, but I haven’t read the Four Agreements like Tommy has a million times and I hold every grudge in the book until my dying days. Brady has been locked in since his suspension and Belichick has been locked in since he came out of the womb. Couple that with Antonio Brown and Mike Tomlin’s antics post-game, we’re in for an old fashioned rock fight in Foxboro.
Speaking of coming out of the womb, we were lucky enough to welcome the newest member of Patriots Nation last month. He has zero clue what anything on this earth really is yet, stares at the television like a deer in headlights, but is truly a blessing thus far.
Three Keys to Victory:
LeVeon Bell Drinking Game: Want to get drunk really quick and get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Start playing the LeVeon Bell drinking game right around kickoff. Every time Phil “Throw Snowballs at Me” Simms mentions “patient runner” “being patient” “waiting for the hole to open up” “most patient back in the NFL” take a shot. You won’t make it past the first quarter and most likely lying next to, underneath, or on top of someone you had zero intentions on being with. Having said that, the Patriots need to do a good job of covering the back side and not guessing the gaps or holes Bell plans on hitting. Trust the system and stay in your lanes.
Josh McDaniels Channeling His Pete Carroll: When Malcolm Butler committed the biggest Murder Death Kill in the history of sports against the Seahawks in the Super Bowl, it was like watching Russell Crowe in Gladiator decapitate Tigrus of Gaul. There is no coming back from that, and the Seahawks have proven that. I implore you Josh to stop with the fancy crap down by the end zone. You have a running back whom has punched in close to twenty touchdowns and is a load to bring down. This cost us the Seattle game, and four points at the end of the half against Houston. If you want to use blockhead James Develin, go into the power I, and run the ball like Spike and Icebox would have done if they were had to join forces on the Little Giants.
Hot Wives and Girlfriends Club: We all know what Brady gets to go home to every evening. I’m not talking about avocado ice cream and kale salads. Danny Amendola is running routes in and out of Olivia Culpo on the regular and Papa Edelman has a Swedish supermodel baby mama along with Adriana Lima. Our guys are doing pretty well for themselves. Let’s not forget about Coach Belichick with Linda Holliday either. She comes down from the rafters on social media every now and then along with her twin daughters oozing flames and smoke. Having said that, Mickey in Rocky said it best “Women weaken legs.” So I urge all 53 along with coaches and assistants to channel their inner Tim Tebow until the night of the Super Bowl. Then have at it like rabbits deep into the Houston night.
Good luck saying no to these champions before bed each night.
Final Thoughts: The one thing that isn’t a concern to me is New England not being ready to play. Belichick undressed every member of that team this week behind closed doors and it wasn’t pretty. When I say undress, this isn’t the type of undressing you wait for your favorite Instagram model to hit the news feed with. I’m sure a few expletives were thrown around and perhaps Foxboro HS was mentioned a time or two. Maybe he referred to them as something our President elect liked to grab a time or two? Regardless of what BB said or didn’t say, he will have his guys ready to rock come 6:40 PM on Sunday. #BeWaterMyFriend
Prediction: Patriots 31 – Steelers 23